approaching women

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
approaching women
19
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 11:05pm

I am a 25 year old male. How do women like to be approached outside of bars and dance clubs? I don't go to bars or dance clubs.

Please only advice/ opinions from women. I mean what is an appropriate thing to say to a woman when approaching her at the mall, in a book store, coffee shop, on the street?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 12:00pm

Quoting:

"Lastly, I'd disagree to some degree in that, if you are asking for assistance, that she just might think your looking for help and that's all. 1) it's important to make eye contact (without staring, of course), which is usually a clue that the person is interested and 2) if a guy wanted help with finding a book or help on picking out the perfect cantaloupe (ha), he could ask someone who works there, right? So, if he's asking me, and being friendly and making eye contact, I'd take that as a sign that he's flirting with me and is interested."

Well, that just shows that people can be different, and that's why there is no single "golden" formula for picking up girls in bookstores. I do not usually assume that if somebody is being friendly and looking me in the eye when asking about a cookbook section, that he is interested in me. That's why, in case of some women, one has to be very explicit, otherwise there is just too much ambiguity (and people are usually in a hurry anyway). I tend to think that it is always good if a guy is a little persistent and is not afraid to seem a bit obvious, in some cases, to make clear that he is interested in the woman. Even if the woman does not feel interest immediately, such behavior can intrigue her and make her change her mind (especially if they manage to exchange phone numbers).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 8:12pm

I work in cafes with my laptop quite a bit, and on several occasions, people would approach me and ask me about my computer, if I like it, etc. Other times, if I had a stack of books, people would comment on the book ("oh I read that one--great book. What did you think of it?") or ask me what I was working on. These weren't necessarily pick up situations (included men and women) but it's a way to break the ice if you want to start a conversation and try to take it further.

Another time I was at the grocery store in the cheese section. A man came up to me and asked if I'd tried a certain cheese because he thought it was the best. Again, this wasn't a pick up (I have a boyfriend and I think he was just making friendly conversation) and we went our separate ways after the brief 30-second exchange, but it was a way to get a conversation started.

I think people in general are friendly and won't snub you if you approach them. Pay attention to body language (as others say); you can sometimes tell who is receptive and who's not. Also, some people might be receptive to light chit chat, but won't be willing to give their number when they realize you are trying to pick them up.

On the other hand, I have a friend who met one of her boyfriends at a bookstore. They were browsing books in the same aisle, they started talking, exchanged numbers and started dating soon after. So you never know, these risks can pay off and I think there are women out there who would be thrilled to have a nice guy approach them.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 5:42pm
This reminds me of a skit I saw once on "Not Necessarily The News," a late night comedy show about 20 years ago... First, a guy is shown reading a book titled "How To Pick Up Women." It's about the size of a phone book. He sees an attractive woman on the street, walks up to her and says "Hi." She looks offended and slaps him. Next is shown an attractive woman reading something called "How to Pick Up Men." It's a one-page folded brochure kind of thing. She sees a kind of chubby and simple looking guy on the corner eating an icecream cone, walks over, taps him on the shoulder, and awkwardly reads from her brochure... "Ah, um... let's go!" He says "Sure!", throws the icecream cone over his shoulder and happily follows her off. That's a long way of saying, in my experience and probably every other guy on the planet, even Brad Pitt, that to approach women it to be rejected. Doesn't matter if it's in a store, on a sidewalk, in an elevator, wherever. Most of the time, that's what happens. Still, it's worth trying. Every now and then you strike gold.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:07pm

Hm...great question and I would love to know how to approach a GUY! :) Lemme know how u'd like to be approached! (hmm..great topic for another thread though)

Ok....this is what I think considering what I might feel most comfortable with.
I think you must first make eye-contact with the woman, if possible. Make eye-contact, and smile at her. A genuine, sincere smile. And if you are near her, utter a Hi, How are you....extend your hand (if you want) and introduce yourself with your name. Let her respond and see where the conversation goes. I think this is very, very sweet and simple. I would like that. This makes it pretty clear you wanna get to know her. Expect nervousness, expect some silence and awkward moments....it's okay, and yes, expect an uninterested woman....or a woman who just wants to be polite to you but isn't really looking for anything. So keep an open mind, and just say those Hi's..
And yeah, business cards would help tremendously.

I know how that Hi feels....coz a guy once approached me that way in a get-together at someone's home. He was well-dressed too, so that helped. He looked utterly decent. And he just extended his hand and introduced himself. That was just real sweet. (But I wish he had left his number with me, I would have certainly called him. Incidentally I decided to part from that group and havent seen him since...so I lost him) I know, it might not be easy to do this in a public place....but remember, keep trying and experimenting. U have nothing to lose. There are tonz of women....who want guys to approach them. Just be decent and respectful in your approach.

Goodluck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:43pm

See, that's why it's so hard to know what to do IMO, because I would be put off if a guy offered his hand to me off the bat. I don't want a stranger getting that far into my personal space, kwim. I'd rather he just complimented me on the colour of my top ("that colour really suits you") and proceed from there depending on how I respond (eg, "Thanks" and turn away, or "Thanks", looking directly at him and assuming he'll take that as a cue to talk some more).

Although I think the above clothing thing can be used as an icebreaker, to actually get a person engaged in a conversation, your next question/s should be open ended, not those with yes/no answers, coz that can be weird and awkward pretty quickly. For example, don't say, "So...you have cats then?" if you see me with cat food. I'm likely to go, "Duh!" and turn away. Ask me something about my cats and you might get further.

I'm not a good example though. I don't particularly like being approached like that - in any situation, so if I don't give off the most positive vibes! LOL I tend to regard people too suspisciously. Having said that, I can still differentiate between someone making a casual remark and someone who's trying to hit on me, and respond, or don't, accordingly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:43am
so what are women more comfortable with if I ask them for their number or if I just give them my number?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:26pm

So everyone's warned you about rejection. I just want to add that girls who approach guys get rejected all the time also.

Now for some things that worked with me in my distant past (when I was about your age or younger, before coffee shops came into our lives):

At a bookstore:

Guy noticed what I was browsing, asked me if I liked an author, got into conversation with me about it, we hit it off, he asked me for coffee (not at a coffee shop, at the drugstore across the street).

Guy remarked "I hope you don't mind my mentioning it, but you look real cute crouched down there looking at books. Anything worth reading?" I thanked him and because I liked his looks stood up and chatted with him for a bit. I never gave my number to virtual strangers (nor did I call them) but we agreed to meet again that evening at a local restaurant/bar. He brought a friend, I brought a friend. Our friends ended hitting it off too and we had a great time. (And afterwards we did exchange phone numbers.)

Guy asked for a suggestion of a book to buy his kid sister for her birthday. (Afterwards I found out that birthday wasn't for more than three months. That was okay, but I would have been annoyed if it had turned out that he had no kid sister.)

At a grocery store:

Guy asked my advice on how many pounds of ground meat to get for burgers for him and his pals. We got to talking, he ended up inviting me (and any friends I wanted to bring) to a cookout. (This was in a university town and they were all students and so were my friends and I.)

Guy offered to help me get something down from the top shelf (I am short) when he saw me struggling. We got into a conversation about height. He said he'd like to see me again and when was I going to come shopping again. I jokingly told him a day and approximate time, showed up not expecting to see him, but there he was. (We both ran the risk that the other might not show up, but since we needed to get groceries anyway, it wouldn't have been such a big deal.)

On a bus:

Guy offered me his seat and stood next to me to chat.

In broad daylight, at the park next to the duck pond:

"I wish I had brought some crumbs for those ducks, don't you?" (This led to a conversation about the ducks, their hunger, the kids feeding them, etc. And we wandered off to McDonald's afterwards to feed ourselves.)

The trick, I think, is not to go to any of these places "on the prowl" but to go about your normal business with your eyes open for girls who are attractive and try to strike up friendly conversations.

At a party or social event it is always appropriate to come up to someone and introduce yourself. Also if you belong to any clubs or volunteer groups, that gives you a chance to introduce yourself.

Also, be prepared that sometimes you will approach a person who isn't available for some reason. If they don't respond positively it isn't necessarily that you used the wrong approach. If I was busy, if the guy didn't interest me, or if I was attached, I simply replied politely and moved on. That's life.

Good luck to you.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 4:43pm

I would definitely be more comfortable if a guy gave me his number as opposed to asking for mine. Coz that would put me under pressure if I am not too sure about him or his intentions etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 3:22pm
In a book shop make a comment about a book she's looking at, or in a coffee shop a comment about the weather or your mutual appreciation for latte or an item in the paper. It's about being natural and friendly and see what happens from there.
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