Are my expectations unreasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2005
Are my expectations unreasonable?
9
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 11:01pm

I recently met a guy through an internet dating service. Unfortunately, I live in Minnesota and he lives in Maryland. We met 3 months ago and so far we've met in person one time and we've talked on the phone everyday. Even though I feel we are very open with each other and talk about pretty much everything, we still have not discussed where our "relationship" is going. I want to know if he is considering a long term relationship with me, but when I ask him how he's feeling he tells me, "I don't know I’m still getting to know you and I'm feeling things out". He says that he wants to get married again (he's divorced) and have children but I'm wondering if he is considering those things with me. I am interested in a long term relationship, not a phone buddy. If we are not on the same page I don't want to waste my time. However, I don't want to keep asking him how he's feeling and push him away for impatience. I do understand that we’ve only spent 3 days together in person but we’ve talked everyday for 3 months.

Now, after that long explanation, is it unreasonable for me to want to know where this relationship is going after 3 months? Should I apply a little more pressure or do I need to be more patient?

Longing to be a "we"....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 6:41am

withni7,

Pianoguy wants to know something?

How can you "possibly apply pressure" when you live in one state and he lives in another?

Are either of you willing to relocate in order to be closer to the other? That's the first question you should ask.

The second question is....since you've only seen the man once in 3 months, aren't you expecting MORE from a short-term friendship? A half-year or a year, I can understand...but 3 months???? C'mon!!!

Look...if you want to risk ending the friendship you have together...go ahead and apply pressure. Just remember that the harder you push...the more likely he'll see your "true colors" and stop making the phone calls!

And will that make you happier?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 8:41am

Does it ever occur to you that this man is interested in a woman from Minnesota because he doesn't really want the responsibility of a serious longterm relationship but definitely likes phone calls?

If you aren't getting what you need from this man after 3 months, then maybe you should search elsewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 8:43am

PG:

Her "true colors" are she wants to know where this thing is going after 3 months. Not unreasonable colors at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 11:58am
I think 3 months is quite a space of time not to be left dangling and to not waste any more time. If the guy has said he wants a serious relationship and rings this lady every evening, why does he not suggest meeting again to sort things out or even suggest one of the parties moves to join the other or stay with the other for a while to see how they fit?
It is possible he just likes talking about relationships and not having them. I speak as one who has met many such types online. They talk a lot but do very little.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 12:05pm
LD relationships are very hard to cultivate. You hardly ever see each other and when you do, it's only for a week or so and both of you are on your best behaviour. To move to the next step can be a scary prospect. Sounds like this chap is content doing the casual LD thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:53am

Sorry Chamey...

BUT PG DISAGREES!

A woman can desire commitment after a lot of phone calls and one face-to-face visit, but this doesn't mean a man has to provide it!

If any woman feels she's wasting her time by participating in an out-of-state friendship or relationship...then she should focus on men who LIVE in HER TOWN or at least in HER STATE!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:44pm
I would totally agree with PG here:) I have wasted a lot of valuable time waiting for a LDR to mature into something more than emails etc. It is difficult enough trying to get dates from guys who are actually in the same town or city never mind expecting anything from someone who lives far away. Yes, there are exceptions and we have all heard of romantic stories but they are very much the exception rather than the rule.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 1:18am

I think you've been asking the wrong question of him.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 2:42pm
Jilly, even men who are local play games (never even give out phone numbers) and say they 'want to get to know me' and then disappear offline without ever having given out a contact number. Either that or they switch off their mobile phones, or stand me up or cancel dates. Living locally guarantees nothing; just makes it more tantalising, that's all. Online dating sucks but as it's so hard to spontaneously meet singles offline, many people use it. Sadly it is much abused either by men who just want sex or simply want to play mindgames.