are they really just friends?
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are they really just friends?
| Sat, 06-19-2004 - 8:24am |
my boyfriend jake has a "best friend" who is female. my questioning their relationship started when she told a friend of mine that if she werent with her current boyfriend, she would be with jake. he told me that she didnt mean it that way. she tells him about personal things that i would never tell him until we became intimate. (about trips to the gynocologist, menstrual cycle, and sex.) once jake, a friend and i were casually playing a game. jake was told to write the names of two girls. he wrote hers first then mine. then he quickly scratched it out and put mine first then another girls. i know all of this souds petty but i think its weird that he would think of another girl first. once she ran into of a couple of my friends and asked if i was still with him. when they answered yes she just made a disgusted face. he runs to her when ever we have a fight. one time a friend of mine said that he saw jake and i making out in a parking lot. i was never there with him. it turns out that on that same day in that same place he was with her. he denies any wrong doing. when i confronted him about it he just got upset and said "thats just gross. she's like a sister to me." the guy she is dating is a friend of his, so i really dont think that they cheat on us. but im not sure. i do think that their relationship is inappropriate. am i just being too paranoid?

You are not paranoid. Please don't get down on yourself over this. We learn from every interaction we have with people. This guy you feel so strongly about has a very relaxed and intimate bond with a friend who happens to be a female. You would like him to have that kind of bond with you and exclusively with you. I think that is very normal.
However, the choice is his to make. He is getting a lot of his emotional needs met through his friend. He sees nothing wrong with that because he benefits from it.
As long as he sees you as someone who gives him nagging acceptance of this everything will stay the same.
My personal solution would be childish (I would find a male friend to talk intimately with, or just move on) so I won't make a recommendation.
Let me know how things go.
Lightship
I may be a little old-fashioned but I somehow don't look on this sort of "friendsip" in a trusting way. I don't think also that just pure platonic friendship can exist between two members of the opposite sex.
If I were in your place, I would question, confront and if needed, walk away.
You are in a special relationship with this person. That, to me, means that all those intimate details...anything personal...should be coming to YOU and NOT going to HER. And lady on the other end needs to find someone she can share her stuff with and NOT play tug with your man!! You would probably have better luck dealing with your guy's mom!!
Anyway, I am not the most quiet person on this Earth. If I were, I would walk around meely-mouthed and be okay with this sort of "friendship". But being the person that I am, if this were MY case, I WOULD clarify and make it VERY CLEAR that I don't view this relationship with another woman in a "friendly" light. And then, ask him to choose...EITHER her OR me.
Of course, you are the best person to decide what's right in your case.
Good Luck.
I'm lucky, almost all my friends girlfriends love and trust me with their men. I've only had one psycho insecure girl that called me at 6 in the morning to scream at me and I ended my friendship with her boyfriend because I'm not a child and I won't get into childish jr. high games with insecure females.
Have you ever attempted to befriend his friend? Or are you always throwing her nasty glances, or talking badly about their friendship, trust me, we hear what you say about us through the guy and from "friends" that you confide in. If she knows that you dislike her relationship with her friend, she isn't going to like you being her friends girlfriend because she'll think you are petty, insecure and not good enough for her friend.
I'm just giving you the perspective of a woman that is friends with many guys, none of which I've slept with, none of which I want to sleep with, none of which I am remotely attracted too (they are attractive in their own way but they are like brothers to me). I hug all my friends, I tell them sweet dreams, I tell them I love them and miss them if I haven't seen them in awhile, none of which is anything ROMANTIC...just love and caring for my friends, male or female.
I'm 31...at 22 I was very jealous of my boyfriends female friends as well, but I grew up.
If your boyfriend's going to cheat, he's going to do it, having him get rid of any female friends isn't going to stop that.
Hmmm...I DO understand where you are coming from.
Yes, I agree that this sort of "friendship" is possible. But honestly, the line dividing this from anything more is rather thin and vague. I mean, it somehow can become uncomfortable...if NOT between the two people who are friends, then among other people who are involved with these two people.
I do however think that this is a "handle with care" situation. It's hard to be carefree about this kind of friendship. If the two people are aware of the sentiments of others involved and are careful, then this friendship CAN remain without inflicting hurt/discomfort on anyone else. But you have to agree, ALL parties have to make a conscious effort!
I think if you are uncomfortable with their relationship...and I would be...you could talk to your guy and tell him how you feel about it...not going off on him or being angry but come across firm and clear.
Maybe if you are still uncomfortable even after his explanations, then you could tell him to choose between his friend and you. It would be pretty bad to have to go all the way there but hey, how you feel is how you feel and it's not wrong! I don't think so.
Good Luck!