are they really just friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
are they really just friends?
9
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 8:24am
my boyfriend jake has a "best friend" who is female. my questioning their relationship started when she told a friend of mine that if she werent with her current boyfriend, she would be with jake. he told me that she didnt mean it that way. she tells him about personal things that i would never tell him until we became intimate. (about trips to the gynocologist, menstrual cycle, and sex.) once jake, a friend and i were casually playing a game. jake was told to write the names of two girls. he wrote hers first then mine. then he quickly scratched it out and put mine first then another girls. i know all of this souds petty but i think its weird that he would think of another girl first. once she ran into of a couple of my friends and asked if i was still with him. when they answered yes she just made a disgusted face. he runs to her when ever we have a fight. one time a friend of mine said that he saw jake and i making out in a parking lot. i was never there with him. it turns out that on that same day in that same place he was with her. he denies any wrong doing. when i confronted him about it he just got upset and said "thats just gross. she's like a sister to me." the guy she is dating is a friend of his, so i really dont think that they cheat on us. but im not sure. i do think that their relationship is inappropriate. am i just being too paranoid?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 10:01am
i dannie,

You are not paranoid. Please don't get down on yourself over this. We learn from every interaction we have with people. This guy you feel so strongly about has a very relaxed and intimate bond with a friend who happens to be a female. You would like him to have that kind of bond with you and exclusively with you. I think that is very normal.

However, the choice is his to make. He is getting a lot of his emotional needs met through his friend. He sees nothing wrong with that because he benefits from it.

As long as he sees you as someone who gives him nagging acceptance of this everything will stay the same.

My personal solution would be childish (I would find a male friend to talk intimately with, or just move on) so I won't make a recommendation.

Let me know how things go.

Lightship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 12:30pm
I'll tell you my part on this and then you can decide. My ex fiancee one of his best friends was a feamle and a stripper none the less--the first time he introduced me to her was in the club she was dancing at--she came off of the stage naked except for a g-string and gave him a long big hug! Too say the least I almost broke it off that night because it made me feel VERY uneasy. But--when all was said and done--I realized that several of his friends and her had grown up together and were very tight (his guy best friend had went with us that night also) anyway-while we were together he had very little contact with her and she actually ended up moving away__yeah!! So-this is what I have to say--it is possible that your guy and his friend are "just friends" but, he does kind of go overboard with intimate details with her, etc. As he is aloud to have other friends, even girls, this would make me extremely uncomfortable and I would end it. It's really only your choice to make. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 2:50pm
No, I don't think you are being paranoid.

I may be a little old-fashioned but I somehow don't look on this sort of "friendsip" in a trusting way. I don't think also that just pure platonic friendship can exist between two members of the opposite sex.

If I were in your place, I would question, confront and if needed, walk away.

You are in a special relationship with this person. That, to me, means that all those intimate details...anything personal...should be coming to YOU and NOT going to HER. And lady on the other end needs to find someone she can share her stuff with and NOT play tug with your man!! You would probably have better luck dealing with your guy's mom!!

Anyway, I am not the most quiet person on this Earth. If I were, I would walk around meely-mouthed and be okay with this sort of "friendship". But being the person that I am, if this were MY case, I WOULD clarify and make it VERY CLEAR that I don't view this relationship with another woman in a "friendly" light. And then, ask him to choose...EITHER her OR me.

Of course, you are the best person to decide what's right in your case.

Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 9:27am
Well I am a female who has many platonic friendships with men. I call them when I am sad, I talk to them about intimate things in my life (regarding boyfriends and such) and they in turn also turn to me when they are upset about their girlfriends. There is something about talking to someone of the opposite sex when you are fighting that puts things in perspective. If I am fighting with a boyfriend and he says things that upset me and I call my male friend to talk about it, he can put it in perspective of what my boyfriend really meant, and give me a better understanding of my boyfriends POV rather than a female friend that will just commiserate and tell me how much of a jerk my boyfriend is.

I'm lucky, almost all my friends girlfriends love and trust me with their men. I've only had one psycho insecure girl that called me at 6 in the morning to scream at me and I ended my friendship with her boyfriend because I'm not a child and I won't get into childish jr. high games with insecure females.

Have you ever attempted to befriend his friend? Or are you always throwing her nasty glances, or talking badly about their friendship, trust me, we hear what you say about us through the guy and from "friends" that you confide in. If she knows that you dislike her relationship with her friend, she isn't going to like you being her friends girlfriend because she'll think you are petty, insecure and not good enough for her friend.

I'm just giving you the perspective of a woman that is friends with many guys, none of which I've slept with, none of which I want to sleep with, none of which I am remotely attracted too (they are attractive in their own way but they are like brothers to me). I hug all my friends, I tell them sweet dreams, I tell them I love them and miss them if I haven't seen them in awhile, none of which is anything ROMANTIC...just love and caring for my friends, male or female.

I'm 31...at 22 I was very jealous of my boyfriends female friends as well, but I grew up.

If your boyfriend's going to cheat, he's going to do it, having him get rid of any female friends isn't going to stop that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 12:52pm


Hmmm...I DO understand where you are coming from.

Yes, I agree that this sort of "friendship" is possible. But honestly, the line dividing this from anything more is rather thin and vague. I mean, it somehow can become uncomfortable...if NOT between the two people who are friends, then among other people who are involved with these two people.

I do however think that this is a "handle with care" situation. It's hard to be carefree about this kind of friendship. If the two people are aware of the sentiments of others involved and are careful, then this friendship CAN remain without inflicting hurt/discomfort on anyone else. But you have to agree, ALL parties have to make a conscious effort!



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 3:53pm
NO!!!!! You are NOT being paranoid. The fact that someone saw him and "you" making out in the parking lot when YOU weren't there is a red flag to me. Especially when you know that he was with "her" at the same time. The fact that her boyfriend is friends with your boyfriend is no reason to think that they wouldn't cheat on both of you. I'm sorry for being so blunt, but from what you wrote I would say that there is more then a "friendship" between the two fo them. The parking lot incident just hit me as very very suspicious. The fact that he said "that's gross, she's like a sister" means nothing. I could be completely wrong, but it's just a HUGE red flag to me. Think of yourself first. Are you willing to put up with this? I would think twice about continuing in this relationship. Don't let him walk all over you. Let him know that his CLOSE friendship with her makes you uncomfortable. If there is nothing more than a friendship going on between them then she NEEDS to RESPECT YOU! By her making faces when someone asks him about you is disrespectful. If they are really friends then she should show some respect for you. Whether she likes you or not doesn't give her the right to disrespect you like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 5:39pm
Well, about the "parking lot" incident, I really wouldn't go by what other people are saying much either. Who knows what that person saw! Maybe she is saying a whole lot more than what she saw! Sometimes, people do that!!

I think if you are uncomfortable with their relationship...and I would be...you could talk to your guy and tell him how you feel about it...not going off on him or being angry but come across firm and clear.

Maybe if you are still uncomfortable even after his explanations, then you could tell him to choose between his friend and you. It would be pretty bad to have to go all the way there but hey, how you feel is how you feel and it's not wrong! I don't think so.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 11:57am
Listen to your gut...its rarely wrong.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 12:30pm
Hey, I sort of understand your position. I have some questions of my own. I am 21 and have a guy friend who is one year younger and I have gotten to know him really well. And now I am in love with him. It is a combination of his wonderful personality, spirituality, and loving character that has really gotten to me. And the fact that I have shared a lot of my heart with him is what makes me feel most connected to him. And the fact that every time I am around him all I want to do is put my head on his shoulder, hold his hand and hug him makes me somewhat crazy. And the fact is that I can't stand not being with him. He has told me that he was given a vision by God of who his wife is to be and that he has actually seen her, which dumbfounds me. I have been struggling with the extreme desire to have a boyfriend and love from someone who is not my parents, sister, and friends (girl friends mostly). There is also the facts that most of my friends at college are engaged to be married or that my friend back home has a boyfriend. I have been through a lot with this guy and I find myself crying over not being with him and missing him. We have both expressed physical things together twice, which have been great. And I have told him how lonely it is waiting for the right man God has for me. He has agreed that it is lonely while you are waiting. So now I am back down at school and I have found out that his family is moving close to where I am. I would like to see him while I am down here and can't wait untill then. I have written him a letter about things and I am hoping that he will either write me back or call me. And there is the issue of that his mother doesn't really like me all that much. But that I can get over. So now I wait. As I have done several times before. Please I wish I could understand this. And he keeps giving me mixed signals. Signals which I want to move into the direction of wanting something together. So that's what i am up against and the fact that every night when I get into a bed that we could both fit in, I keep on visualizing him next to me. And the fact that he is not there makes me cry. And then I end up crying myself to sleep, which I don't think is a good thing to have happen every night.