"are we being exclusive?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
"are we being exclusive?"
20
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:01am

we dated for 4 months before i slept with him. yet, his behaviour changed. he used to invite me to parties now he only calls once a week late at night to ask me to come to his place and i feel like his bootycall.

i made a remark asking him if its ok if i go out with someone else, and he said he "did not mind it at all if I have dinner with someone else".

do i have to ask a direct question?
i mean... can a woman ask something like ..."are we being exclusive?".

wouldn a man run away at this question because I ask for some sort of "commitment" way too early?

thanks,
penelope

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 1:09pm

thank you olivia.
and thank you all.

i know what i want: and that is an exclusive situation with this man.
yes, you are all right, that it is up to me what i want.

i had a talk to him and he told me that he enjoys our 'affair', but if i want to end it i can do that but he would regrett it and i shall decide and contact him soon again....
he was very nice, called me 'sweetheart' the whole time and said he is not sleeping around and i dont need to worry about that.but he also said that he is not a man for a 'relationship' since he does not have his life 'together' and can not offer stabilty to a woman.

At least I know now where i stand and what my role in his life is.
It is not the role I want to play in his or anyone elses life.

i think i fell for him, but i will not end up being his affair for the next 10 years and missing out on having a real, happy, commited relationship with a man that loves me.

dumping him is not what I 'WANT' to do
but it is the only logical thing to do.

In a way by me asking him if he is exclusive i asked him if he is ready for a relationship; by him saying no, he is asking me to end it if i dont want to be his 'affair' as he called it.

keep your heads up,
penelope

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 6:08pm

this is a hard decision to make esp when you do have feelings and he treats you well for the most part EXCEPT he isn't interested in anything serious - you wnt to keep hoping and wishing. But wishing ain't gettin as we used to say back home.

That said, just remember anytime you 'choose' to let go of good or ok, BETTER always shows up. Its true that until we let go of mediocrity, we can't see or allow what is truly intended for us.

Make smart choices - you'll never regret those.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 12:44pm

yes, thank you.

what is smart? there is a brain and there is something below the belt line.
they constantly disagree with one another when it comes to this guy.and now he even has a piece of my heart.

i secretly hope and wish he would change over night and wake up tomorrow and tell me he loves me and wants to live with me.
but reality is that my exboyfriends -who i left for good reasons- call me and tell me they still love me and want to move together, but not the guy i want.

and also, hey, my ego. I mean, i am a smart, intelligent, good looking woman- WHY cant he see that and appretiate me?!?!!! my girlfriends appretiate me more than he does/did.:(

best,
penelope

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 8:43am

Smart is accepting WHAT IS rather than holding onto what you HOPE is.
Smart is seeing the forest and not just the trees
Smart is making decisions taht aren't always easy but are right for your long term happiness.
Smart is knowing what you want and staying on path to get it (side excursions are never intended to be 'the path' and too many get lost on them)
Smart is deciding that long term gain is better than that short term pleasure
Smart is listening to your gut instincts and not 'yeah, but-ing' yourself because it fits your 'fantasy'
Smart is letting go fo something that is 'not-quite it' to make room for 100% it
Smart is choosing to be single and unattached rather than to be in a situation that leaves you feeling empty and wanting all the time
Smart is treating yourself with the utmost love and respect

Hon, smart is knowing what you want and deserve and not settling for 'close enough'

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:39am

dear!

with your permittion i print your last message to me out and hang it on over my desk.
wihtout your name or something. Only the words you say!

it should be my guide for business and private life when i get weak.
you state it true, simple and accurate!

reading this advice of yours will re-assure me in my decisions.

when i was younger i accepted things the way they were.
the older i get the more i confuse my own will and wishes with reality.

when i was younger life was an advantage in which anything was possible.
every saturday night going out was exciting and i was looking forward to meeting someone interesting.

today it takes hours of begging from my friends to drag me out on a saturday night and when a cute guy flirts with me i get shy and walk away.

i wish there would be some drug i could take against my shyness.

it is true that this man has not been there for me and in fact i am single since years.
i have an inmaginary relationship with or to him.

reality is that i am always alone and he is not doing ANYTHING for me.
so it can not really get worse.
if i loose him i loose nothing besides a 'dream'.

i already spend a great night out in town and forgot all about this man.
but i dont want to start hoping and wishing for another man to come and fulfill my dream.

hmm... you sound very grown up and mature.
can i ask you how old you are? i mean, are you in your 30's or 40's?
I am about to turn 30 soon and I think i have a long long way to go before I reach where you are.

when i think of my state of mind i feel like i am in my teens.
i dont know if that is good or bad.

dreaming and hoping and wishing got a great education because i was dedicated.
and i ignored the brutal reality of how lonely, sad and poor i was.

but i am over that,i paid my dues, it is time for me to start a life.
and part of that is to clean up some of my dreams and wishes since they will never become real.

(this man i was writing about has 'a friend' staying at his place this week. so he has 'no time' to see me or invite me! he refuses to inform us (his and my friends) if its a he or a she. And he is not willing to introduce her or him or to take this person out with us.... we have common friends and he also does not tell our friends that we ever had something with one another. in fact he makes a big deal out of keeping 'it secret'. !!...--do i need to say more? I am upset about it, but at least reality could not have hit me harder.

i wish to never see or hear from this man ever again. he is dead for me.that is my way of dealing with this. i am loosing a friend by loosing him, but than again, i dont think he ever was a true friend anyway.

keep your head up,
penelope

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 12:48pm

Sure - feel free to print it if it helps.

I am 43 - learned a lot from people in my life and from falling down a WHOLE lot. I also am curious and like to learn - so I read a lot. Thought about becoming a Psychologist anumber of years back but really didn't care for more school. I still make mistakes and not so smart choices sometimes, but they are mine and I'm the only one to 'blame' if things aren't what I want them to be.

That said, do NOT give up on your dreams. Dreams are what keep up motivated. What I's suggest to you is to evaluate if they are worth putting effort into. I've had to reassess some of my own and let some go, modify others and focus more intently on the ones that really matter. This is part of the growing and maturing process - some dreams you let go of due to limited windows of opportunity or skills or what have you. I wanted a baby for years - well, I'm 43 and the thought of having a baby now is not something I like. I love children and do volunteer work with them. I feel confident that I shall soon marry someone with kids or who is willing to adopt. I adjusted this dream - this is what you need to do with yours.

Dreams are free hon, and they give you hope for a future. You are more likely to get what you dream about by continuing to dream big than by saying I give up. Giving up is not an option - unless you are a quitter.

remember this - successful people do not quit - they dream and pursue that dream. Smart women do the same thing.....:)

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:51pm
I definitely agree
,
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:29am

thank you :)

it is almost healing talking to you.
i dont know you and i probalby never meet you but your words have a deep impact!
thanks to the internet we can exchange thougths and learn from people we would otherwise have never met.

i am grateful that i have the chance to exchange and learn from you and all these woman at this board.

congratulations on the decition to adopt.
it is a big step.
i have friends who have done the same.
2 couples adopted a child from africa.
it enriched their lives, and stresses them out somtimes;), but overall it is a great thing to do!

i too wish to have children one day.
i hope to have them from the man i will marry one day.
but it does not need to be this way...just as you said..dreams and wishes are guides but not plans set in stone.:)

it is so hard to always 'know' what is the right thing at the right time.

no, i am for sure not a quitter:)

but when it comes to 'people' one can dream as much as (s)he wants to, the other person has to agree.

i must know about that. i have turned down so many man in my life that i would not know WHO shot the bullet if i found myself dead in some dark corner in the middle of the night while walking my dog.....

now, i am being turned down, but in a strange way.
i am partly being turned down.

that part that makes me a human being.
not the animal part in me that desires intimacy.
but the part in me that wants to be accepted as a human being and create a mental, emotional and spiritual connection with another human being.

my opportunities in life right now are bigger than ever!
my dreams can all come true now that i am at a professional turning point in my life.

i have lost many people in my life (travels, wars, re-locations..) and i would hate to loose this man too but I would not die from it because when i face it, he and i never had that emotional, spiritual, mental connection i seek with (even!) a lover.

i will meet this man again because he is in my close circle of friends, and i plan to stay in this city for many more years.
i am thinking of switching my circle of friends or telling the lie i would have a great boyfriend now. or ...actually really marrying an ex of mine who proposed to me last week(!).It is unfair because he loves me way more than i will ever love him, but maybe that is how it is in relationships...that two people do not love each other equally strong.

i might 'grow together' with my ex again. he makes a good husband. and in 10 years or so i might have 'learned' to love him. what is love anyway?!

i seem to have mistaken lust for love!

since this 'not so exclusive' man of mine continues to behave like he has no responsiblity whatsever towards me, he is not what i wish or desire or dream of.

i have to end it.
and i did!

i am not 'letting go' of a dream.
he was never what i dreamed to have.
i got to know him and he is not what i need.
Maybe i got obsessed with him because intimacy was so good.
but i am a grown up woman intimacy is only one part of a big dream i have, the feeling of security and reliability is more important.

i dont feel too bad.
i am a little sad because i had wonderful, wonderful times with him.
in the bedroom.
this is also all there was with him.
when i called him to talk because i had a hard meeting or simply wanted to hear his voice he was never there for me.
and that is not enough for me.

the times that i worried and wondered and feared to meet him somewhere at an event or party with another female friend/lover by his side outweighted the good times i had with him.

in the end i was too embarrassed to tell my friends i even dated him. because i fear he would ruin my reputation completely by not standing to me.

if he does not stand to me and is not exlusive with me maybe he would even deny having had any relations to me. and it would hurt my feelings.

maybe he would tell my friends that i was nothing more or less than an 'affair' to him and i bothered him wanting more, so i deny ever having dated this man!
so i take it in.
i swollow my pride.
and hope nobody ever finds out i was so stupid to ever date this man.

when i meet him again i will know that i have my own life under controll and he does not matter. i simply act the same way he does... indifferent.
i can do that now because i dont feel about him the same way i used to.

maybe because i met someone else.
maybe because my ex proposed to me.
maybe because my career seems to be taking off.
maybe because posting on this board has set my head straight.

- í have the confidence to go for something bigger than being someones bootycall...

thank you:)

huggs,
penelope

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:07pm
You are perfectly entitled to ask any question youlike. The way I have handled this situation in the past is starting a conversation about what he wants from "this". In other words, "do you want to see other people? do you want to be monogamous? are you currently dating others while we are getting to know each other?" It didn't cause any problems. But it doesn't sound like he wants exclusivity from your relationship with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:16pm
i agree. Clarity is best in the short and long run
,
,

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