Arguing before dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Arguing before dating.
11
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 10:02am
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hi :)

I would like to know what you think about a person that starts fights and arguments before you even call him your boyfriend or have been intimate?

I went out with this guy 4 times in the last 2 months. I only know him since 2 months. Not more! I barely know him. We have exchanged emails and chatted many hours.

I think when getting to know each other one does not spend each and every day with the other person. He thinks differently. After the 3 rd date he started applying pressure on me that I would think one only has after being married.. LOL..

He constantly complains that I do not take time for him because I am working.

I  had the flue weeks ago and he still complains (bitterly!) even today, that I was not willing to go out and date him while I was lying in bed ill for more than one week. :/

When I have an important work meeting during the day- which can take up to 5 hours straight, and I can not pick up the phone than- he would know I am busy, but still text me that I have to  text him back NOW  or he gets upset.

When I get home completely drained from work, he would call me up and tell me about his personal childhood problems, or DEMAND I tell him something personal or sweet even if I say I am too tired to speak and I need sleep. When I do got to bed and get my rest he than starts complaining I would “reject” him….. He does not care for my basic needs :( and I am losing my interest in him..

He even starts trying to push me to quit or to reduce my job; because I take no time for him.. ufff...

Fact is I am starting to wonder if I even want to have time for him anymore at this point. He has already shown high levels of aggression towards me if I do not do what he wants.. and that after the 4th date. Wow…

He started complaining about my work and boss saying they would be a problem for “us”.

He does not even ask how I feel about an “us”.

I have taken more and more steps back from that person… and the more I step back the more he applies pressure.

I have tried finding solutions like doing things together so we can see each other more, like going to work out to a sport club together every week- he rejected, saying he wants me alone for himself ..

When I told him I meet my girlfriend (which I had not seen in 2 months)for coffee he said he would join us, but I did not even invite him. He invited himself to an all-girls coffee chat with a girl he never met. I told him he can not come but we can meet later. I was done with coffee after 2 hours and waited for his call. He stood me up with the excuse “ I thought I give you time to work or sleep or whatever you want to do”. – later of course he complained that I went out with the girl instead of him. ughh!!...

It is getting unacceptable. Every time I suggest when/where/how we meet he sais no, or stands me up. Every time I say I have no time he insists on me dropping everything to see or talk to him.

I never met anyone like this. It is extremely stressing.

One time he told me he just went to a coffe shop next to my house and just sat there for a couple of hours and I would have stood him up. I did not tell him to go there. We had no date!  I said I would call him after work IF  I can make it for a cup of coffee that day… I ended up not having time, but he concluded that since I said I call him this means we had a “date” … wow..

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I had a big argument with him making it clear that as long as my job pays my rent/food/bills  HE  has to step back... since than I watched his behaviour and it is not getting better. :(

I started ignoring him, but that seems to only push him to get even more pushy towards me.

 

We are not in a relationship, we have never been intimate.


and the only time we kissed I initiated it and he stopped me, saying he wants to take more time until we kiss- which is cool with me...

yet, it is strange how he refuses physical closeness, but acts as if he was my husband in charge of my schedule...crazy . o.O


I feel like he cares more for ruining my career than caring for me as a person… LOL.. ;o)

Has any of you girls/ladies ever experienced anything like this?

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Ps. He thinks that we fight so much is a good sign , it means that we are grown ups and that we can pull ourselves together and make a relationship work. What he does not get is that I am actually tired of fighting with him and does not want to deal with him/this anymore… I see it differently.. I wonder if he is even worth the effort.

Dating/a relationship must be possible without fighting every day!


If it starts this way I do not want to know how much we would fight if we ever really kissed/became intimate/had a relationship/kids/etc….

It scares me..


He thinks all this fighting is a good thing.

I think it is a bad sign.. :(


can I have any input please?

thank you.


have a nice day...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 10:12am
I do not know why the formatting : “Normal 0 21 MicrosoftInternetExplorer4” ... and …” st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Normale Tabelle"; mso-tstyle-rowb”…etc.. is in my message. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 10:13am

Sorry, I do not know why the formatting :  “Normal 0 21 MicrosoftInternetExplorer4” ... and  …” st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Normale Tabelle"; mso-tstyle-rowb”…etc..  is in my message. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 11:23am

Let me make this very clear--this guy is a controlling abuser and you should break things off right now.  No, it is not a good sign at all if you have only been on 4 dates and you are constantly arguing--normal people in a good relationship aren't always fighting about dumb things.  They can have disagreements but they should learn how to handle things respectfully.  And you should quit your job or reduce your hours to be with him?  What planet is he on?  How are you supposed to pay your bills then?  Oh yes, this is one sign of an abuser--someone who wants to make you dependent on him and isolate you from everybody else so that you won't be able to leave him.  A normal man would want his GF to work (so he doesn't have to support someone he hardly knows) and would want her to have a life and friends and not be with him every second.  Of course when you do break up with him, be prepared for anger from him too and insistence on being together.  I would not be alone with him when you break up--in this case it's probably better to do it on the phone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 4:22pm

What would I think?    It's a no brainer.   I'd think that I wouldn't bother with him again.

Why are you bothering to give him the time of day?     It's not like there's any commitment happening.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 5:07pm

1stfemalepresident wrote:
I would like to know what you think...      

I think that the obvious is your remedy here, don't you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 11:46pm
Yes, the guy sounds like trouble. Cease contact with him.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 3:36am

 What operating system and browser are you using?   MicrosoftInternetExplorer4is very old. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 8:09am
yes.. my pc at home is rather old. sorry... ^_^
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 8:22am

hi musiclover,

thanks.... yes, i stopped seing him.

there is a lot of anger and guilt trips coming from him- after 4dates!!- wow... but i am not giving in.

thanks for the support..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 8:24am

thank you.yes,  it is a no-brainier. i was giving in to pressure .. i stopped giving in ;) there will not be more then this 4 dates we had.

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