art of staying happy single?
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 04-29-2007 - 8:15am |
its 3months since i'm back in the single's world. since couple of last days i wonder if i'm starting to need a guy again to feel complete. these past 3 months i was doing good as single - i actually enjoyed it. finally had time to go 3 times a week to the gym, went out a LOT, made new friends, traveled, prepared and passed exams,looked for a job...
i really want to stay happy & complete on my own. coz i'm afraid that if i dont-when i meet the "next" guy in my life i will assume he is the one and will fall into the trap again. but often i cant help those 'down' moments when i'm tired that i'm the only single in all the outings, that all around are hugging & kissing non stop and that on sundays i'm mostly on my own since all "couples" have romantic plans. hmmm... how to shake off this feeling?
i think i'm almost over my recent ex but i often dream of him and wake up upset. coz in my dreams i'm with him but i'm not happy (some of u might remember my posting when i refused to continue relationship with a guy who said he wants me around but roughly speaking "without any responsibilites involved"). I say 'almost over' because i still think and analyse my ex at times. i still dont want to come across him (havent seen him since end Jan).
how to maintain the feeling 'i'm happy and NOT bored on my own'? i think i'm ready to date again but i dont see anyone around for whom i feel butterflies in my stomach...here u go - i'm talking about next guy rather than re-focusing on myself!
i'm a "social butterfly" and need people around me not to be bored - MAJOR problem that i try to overcome to past 27years :)
ur thoughts, reflections are very very welcome. i need a good shake...

Pages
Happiness and contentment are never the result of another person - thinking that you can only be happy with someone is a fear-base, insecure and doubtful POV. Learning that is one thing, living it is another!
Being content in your life regardless of the circumstances really requires that you live life grounded in reality - that you plan for your future, but not be attached to any particular outcome - as in, that the man you are dating is the 'one' and should it not work, you find yourself devastated - you've attached one possible outcome to this situation. There are always lots of possibilities in life - including many that are not our preferred.
What everyone must do is know clearly who they are and what matters to them - and then set goals to reach them - note that getting 'a relationship' is not a purpose in life though many women like to think its their only purpose - that is icing on the cake. What is your purpose? Have you taken the time to assess what YOU want to do, have, be in life? This purpose is not about what others provide or do for you - it can be becoming an art teacher, a missionary, an engineer, etc. It can mean, climbing Mt. Everest - it can mean showing kindness to everyone...do you get what I'm saying? It's what you do and provide for yourself and others - you bless them with your gifts, talents, time and resources and in doing so, you are at peace.
Until you know who you are and what matters to you, you will continue to project onto others the responsibility and need to BE your purpose and life.
What yo ucan do while you are single is to pursue things that drive your passion - things that when you think about, cause you to smile and feel great joy - take a class in writing, or painting or what have you. Volunteer and help others. Get involved in a new hobby or sport. The point is - when you say you are 'bored' what you really are saying is that you need someone else to entertain you and provide you with a life. That is being lazy.
Hon, consider how you'd plan and live your life IF there would never be a man in it? What on earth would you do to be happy and content? Would you be miserable and bored or would you find outlets that allow you to express the you inside and to help others be their best?
Until you can stay happy single, you will never be able to be happy paired - because you place the responsibility of 'keeping' you happy onto them - and that is a burden that unfair to put on anyone.
Some great books on finding the YOU inside are:
10 Secrets to success and inner peace by Wayne Dwyer
The Tao te Ching
A woman's guide to wholeness by Barbara Rose
Ask and it is Given by Jerry & Ester Hicks
Sasy Single and Satisfied by Michelle McKinney Hammond (she has several others equally good)
Toni
There's a difference being comfortable in your own skin and wanting to be with another versus needing someone to feel "complete". You are already "complete" but to have another in your life can, hopefully, only add to that. I enjoy living alone and being single doesn't mean horrors, but it doesn't mean that I don't want love. All it means is that I can function well alone and I don't fall apart.
"but often i cant help those 'down' moments when i'm tired that i'm the only single in all the outings, that all around are hugging & kissing non stop and that on sundays i'm mostly on my own since all "couples" have romantic plans. hmmm... how to shake off this feeling?" - it never quite goes away, you just get used to it. You can build your Sundays to include new things to do that you can do by yourself, yet meet other people or get together with other single friends.
"how to maintain the feeling 'i'm happy and NOT bored on my own'?" - You can be happy but still experience boredom. Are the new friends you met also single? Maybe get together with them more often during this time. Maybe schedule some spa time by yourself or go away for a spa weekend?
"i think i'm ready to date again but i dont see anyone around for whom i feel butterflies in my stomach...here u go - i'm talking about next guy rather than re-focusing on myself!" - Here again, you can focus on yourself yet still want love and not be "other focused".
It's great that you remember your dreams, because generally I do not remember my dreams. I have only remembered a handful - freaky stuff - but that's it and I'm talking a lifetime of dreams so far.
I don't NEED to be around people to not be bored, yet that is not saying that I don't enjoy the company of others. I always liked getting together with others and having fun. I have had to learn to like being by myself for some time now due to unusual circumstances. I generally like having time for myself even if I am married or dating. It is a time for me to wind down and recharge and get recentered. If I don't have any of that quiet type time than I am not happy. And that quiet time can include being in the same house with the other person (remembering when I was married) but maybe in another room doing my own thing.
wow excellent advice from both of u! thanks a lot - i really need to hear it. brought me back to senses that day and my sunday went perfect.
loneliness does scare me- like many i was "programmed" - u grow up, meet a man of ur dreams, marry him, have kids, bla bla. great question - what will i do if i will never meet the one? hmm... i dont think i will kill myself over it but must admit that the thought is a bit scary at the moment. although i would never agree being with someone and being unhappy - refused it number of times and stay firm. have old ex who still chases me after breakup - him cheating. once a cheater always a cheater. no matter the fact that it was my big love. so over..
so basically all that talking 'u r born to be with someone' is a myth created by romantics? coz no matter when and if u meet him - u r supposed to be strong and happy on ur own.
what's the purpose of my life? its a tough question - not work definitely ;). On a serious note - really really tough question...
thanks for the advice on the books - i'll try to get hold of them
We were all brought up to believe that we are all meant to be paired off eventually. Who knows if that is so? And even if you meet "the one" who is to say that the relationship stays in tact? There is no "happily ever after" the way that the tales go...the happily ever after is just the beginning...it is what you do with it that counts.
Chronic cheaters usually stay chronic cheaters. They are usually wrapped up in themselves and no one likes to tow the line the way it needs to be towed in order to save a relationship. Why go through all that work when there are tons of people out there ready to jump into a relationship and then, as a bonus, I get to go through the "honeymoon" phase again instead of going to therapy with my cranky spouse.
"so basically all that talking 'u r born to be with someone' is a myth created by romantics?" - not sure. There are some people out there that say that their life mirrors this concept. Very few that I have heard of, and none that I know personally. If it exists, it is rare. And if you ever encounter it picky2002 - you are very lucky. For the most part, I would say that...not only is it rare....people project this concept onto bad relationships so that they can feel that what they have is "it". That is why you hear about it all the time. As far as romantics creating a myth around it...maybe. Maybe people need to feel that they live each day for "something" that is bigger than themselves - like love.
"what's the purpose of my life?" - that may take most of your life to figure out.
<>
Actually - if you follow the things that drive your passions - the things that bring you great joy and you would do for free (or do do for free as a volunteer) - those things are where your life's purpose lies. For example, what I find satisfaction, joy and pleasure from is working with kids, young women and mentoring. I also find joy, satisifaction and pleasure in writing, hiking and going to the beach - my 'life purpose' is found in one or more of these things - very likely a combination of 2 or 3....
Toni
agree :)sharing and supporting each other - one of the meaning of our lives huh?
great point indeed about finding a purpose of life in doing what u truly enjoy doing. i love spending my time playing with kids. or listening and helpign old people. so i guess should invest more in it in my life...
Snafu - u seem so strong. i read ur story on the board and i personally cant imagine how u went thru all this. its true that real force of the character comes out at the toughest times. it will probably take some time until u regain lost balance fully, but already being here and reaching out... - respect...
was out with 2 couples (friends) this evening. went great. caught myself when riding back home that not even for a minute i felt - 'i'm the only single here'. although i should have more single friends :) so far just have one who lives too far away.
"Snafu - u seem so strong. i read ur story on the board and i personally cant imagine how u went thru all this. its true that real force of the character comes out at the toughest times. it will probably take some time until u regain lost balance fully, but already being here and reaching out... - respect..." - thank you so much for your encouraging words.
Yeah, I am just beginning to try and see if I can move around without getting harassed like I've been. But regaining "balance" will take time, you are right. They keep killing my plants - discovered another one today. I keep replanting. Eventually, and hopefully, the bad guys go to jail and then I am a free woman. I don't know how I got through it all either - you just keep going I guess.
It must have been a nice feeling going out with your friends and not feeling like the only single one there. That's good. That means that you have real friends.
If you like working with kids and the elderly that is a nice start to discovering what makes you happy and if this is truely what you want to do with your life. As for your "purpose", I don't feel that I have a "purpose" - that phrase means I'm not living life for me - and that is important for me to feel I am getting something out of life. There has to be a balance. If along the way I impact someone, then great, but I am not living life "other aided" or "other focused" like I owe someone something. Because then you lose focus on you and what makes you happy. I'm here because my parents had sex at the right time on the right date. I don't feel a sense of "duty" like alot of people do. That was not fed into my head growing up, like some families or some religions preach.
Enjoy discovering "you".
<>
I'm reading this to mean that saying my life has a 'purpose' means I'm not living authentically? There is a purpose to everything in life - even if the purpose is not recognized or thought to have value. Heck - even roaches and germs have a purpose - it can be a benevolent one or it can be bad - its still a 'purpose'.
My 'purpose' is to do the things my authentic self enjoys - and for me that includes being of service, teaching, mentoring others. I do this not because I feel I owe anyone anything - I do it because its my nature. We aren't 'owed' anything from life any more than we 'owe'. Mother Teresa was 'other focused' as was and is a number of highly impactful people - MLK, Jr., Oprah, Princess Di, to name a few - and while none of them were/are perfect people, I can't say that their focus to help others meant they gave up who they truly were just to do so.
Being 'self' focused to the exclusion of the needs of others is no better than being so 'other' focused that you sacrifice peace of mind to do it - ie, being a martyr.
What I have found is taht when you are being authentic, you have this balance, and you also fulfill your 'purpose' in life by default whether you realize it or not.
just my two cents,
Toni
Toni
Pages