asking him out by email

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
asking him out by email
8
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 4:34pm
I asked a man out by email and have had no response. I am wondering if I read the signs wrong or caught him off guard. I have been on my own for 8 years after a messy divorce and am trying to get back into the dating scene.

I have known him in a professional manner for a few years but have not seen him in a professional manner in over a year when he did some work for me.

We run into each other fairly often at a coffee shop we both frequent. When we run into each other he always asks me to sit with him or asks if he can join me. We have had long conversations and he seems to enjoy my company and I enjoy his. We are both divorced.

I did email him two weeks ago after running into him at the coffee shop and asked him if he wanted to meet for coffee. This was not a date coffee as I mentioned in the email that I had a question from a previous concern (legal)It was also an excuse to get to know him better. He suggested we meet on a thursday and we did. He seemed a little nervous that visit but we talked for 1 1/2 hours.

I ran into him again last weekend and he sat with myself and my father who I had with me and again we talked for quite a while.

So, I emailed him on Monday. That was 4 days ago and asked him if he'd like to meet up for coffee or maybe lunch if he had time. He has not responded. We both have kids, our conversations have allowed us to find out more about each other and I would like to get to know him better. When together he seems interested in me. Why would he not respond to my last email, and should I just forget about it. If it were me and I didn't want to get together I would at least email him back to tell him I was really busy and I'd email him when I had some time. I am confused. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 6:17pm
You might still hear from him, so I wouldn't give up yet, but it's been my experience that a man who is interested in you romantically, available for a relationship, and emotionally healthy will make that interest clear by asking you out. It sounds like his interest is more that of an acquaintance or friend who enjoys talking to you when you see each other, but that's it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 7:24pm
I agree. And if you're going to ask someone something that requires a response --- like asking if they want to get together, you need to do it in a forum that allows for an immediate response --- like a phone call or in person. Doing it by e-mail allows for too much misunderstanding. You don't know how it came across to him. You don't know if he even got it yet --- some people only check e-mails occasionally, not every day. Plus, it gives him time to think about it before responding, so if he has any reservations about it, he would be more likely to ignore it and hope you forget about it. At least if you asked him when you saw him, and he said yes, then thought about it later, he would more likely go ahead with it. You made it too easy for him to not accept, and that will just make things more uncomfortable the next time you run into him. So at this point, you're better off forgetting about it, and when you see him next, not mention it. If something happened and he wants to go out but didn't respond, he'll bring it up --- either out of guilt, or to use it as an opportunilty to ask you out. But I agree with NW wanderer in that he doesn't sound interested in dating, he's just interested in being casual friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 5:11pm
Thanks for your reponses, they make sense. I was too chicken to ask in person or by phone and took the easy way out. It back fired because I got no response.

I ran into him today. He was with a freind and totally ignored me. He sort of said hello but basically gave me the cold shoulder. It was humiliating. I have now come to realize that I do not read the signals at all. In future I will wait to be asked out but I've been on my own now for 8 years so it may never happen.

K.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 5:36pm
Ugh, I'm sorry he ignored you, that wasn't very nice of him!

If you're interested in dating, what are you doing to increase the number of single men in your age group that you are meeting? I've found online dating works for me in that respect.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 9:03pm
Hi Sheri,

Please tell us your experiences with online dating. I was able to meet a lot of men this way, but gave up because there were no quality men. Most were divorced (and I must admit I could see why!) and all they want is sex. Maybe you have a better way of screening? Which services do you use.

At anyrate - back to kateca2004's original message - I think you have to let it go for now. It is my experience that it is okay to ask a man for help/opinions, etc. BUT NEVER NEVER ask for a date or outing that could be construed as a date.

There could be lots of reasons why he didn't respond. But poofy yourself up, keep your chin up and just enjoy meeting lots and lots of people. You never know when one will invite you to a party or outing and then you might meet someone.

I find it helps to have a lot of interests - specifically for me this means athletic events. That way you are attending all sorts of events but not events for singles exclusively. It also helps to always look lovely at the grocery store!! :-)

You can never look at one guy like he is the one. You will become too intense and likely end up with heart ache. Keep it light. And have faith.

Keep us posted!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:26pm
Well, since I'm divorced myself, that's not a dealbreaker for me...and it's pretty common for men in my age group (I'm 45). I've had relationships lasting 4-6 months with 3 men I met online (they ended for different reasons in each case), and I haven't found that all of men I meet online are just looking for sex (I do tend to screen pretty heavily upfront, though--for instance, if a guy brings up sex before we meet or too early in the dating process, I stop communication--and I make clear in my ad that I'm looking for a serious LTR). I've met quite a few men I would describe as "quality", even if we weren't right for each other.

I'm currently using Yahoo Personals and Match.com. I'm planning on taking a hiatus from each as my dating queue is pretty full at the moment and I want to see how it all plays out before meeting any more new people.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 1:15pm
Well he didn't actually ignore me, he just looked at me like I was an alien. He did mutter something but looked really uncomfortable.

A strange reaction, I only asked him to meet for coffee or lunch. His reaction has really thrown me as that is not how I would react even if I didn't like the person, I'd be more gracious but I realize he's not me.

The unfortunate part is my company changed my email address and I have not been receiving all my email. I have had at least 5 contacts tell me they have sent emails but I have not received them. At any rate I plan to leave it alone.

Yes, in response to one persons comments, I do look at a particular guy I'm interested and think he's the one. A very bad habit and one that needs to be broken.

The comment about getting involved in sporting activities was a good one.

I need to put myself out there. I have not tried online dating because I find it too un-natural and scary. I would rather meet someone in person at an event.

I have done the phone meeting service so I can at least talk to them but it was too nerve wracking.

I guess because I've been on my own for nearly 8 years with few male encounters I am looking at myself and wondering if I'm abnormal. I used to be sought after in the younger days when I was a free spirit and quite attractive. Now I'm in my fourties and only old men look me over. I came from an abusive 13 year marriage so should not be too hard on myself and my lack of willingness to get out there and start meeting new people.

I did spend some time asking friends what they would do and it's confusing because some say get it over with and take the risk and others say don't ever ask a guy out. I have friends who have asked guys out and it worked for them so I thought I'd try it. I guess emailing him was the wrong way to do it as I would not get an immediate response. I won't do that again and probably won't ask anyone out either. It is a scary process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 2:15pm
As I mentioned in a recent post, I did not hear back from him, and ran into him after one week of sending the email. My perception was that he ignored me, he did mumble something and acted very uncomfortable. I was hurt but decided that at least I took the risk, although risks don't always work out like we want them to. In future I will not email a guy and try to hint instead or ask him out to coffee or an event when I run into him or by telephone although that takes some guts.

Well, interestingly enough one day after running into him I get a very short email in response to the email I sent last week. He said 'that would be great, I'm available later this week'.

Go figure. I never expected him to respond. I will tread carefully though because he might be doing it out of guilt. He is a nice guy. Or I may have caught him off guard and he had to think about it. I'll keep you posted.

KATE