Attracted To Aloof Men- Wants To Stop It

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Attracted To Aloof Men- Wants To Stop It
1
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 12:37am
Hello folks. I have something I've been pondering lately. I haven't had a boyfriend in YEARS. I'm 31. I have lots of male friends, some are even like brothers to me, so I'm not "alone" per se, which has been my comfort zone for a long time.

But seems as if the men I find myself MOST attracted to always end up being the type I have to struggle to get their attention or are just plain impossible to "figure out" (but are still cute looking, so I WANT to flirt for that isolated reason anyway). I also realize this correlation with the "aloof" relationship I had with my dad as a child ....not to mention the fact my mom had to "work" to get my dad's attention (my "nurture" example). But my dad also was known to have unpredictable personality swings (one minute wanting to give and receive lots of attention, to the next minute being mad for some unknown reason, wishing all us in the family would leave him alone for hours, and then "popping" back to a happy persona as if nothing happened. He was an emotional yo-yo.) So I realize I have been raised with a skewed idea of how men are supposed to deal with women they love that certainly isn't working.

When particular men pay lots of attention to me, I feel awkward, like something is "wrong" with the situation, like my emotional or personal space is about to be violated (without validity.)

Has anyone out there had to "unlearn bad habits" of how men treat them...so having them initiate flirting/getting to know you doesn't feel scary? How did they find themselves succeeding in making the personal changes to betterment?

Thank you for any inspiration on the topic. Peace.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 9:15am
artsybetsy...

Pianoguy found your questions fascinating. However...you have a couple "demons" you need to work through!

Demon #1: You have try and ignore the fact that just because YOUR DAD had 'extreme personality swings'--not all men do! A lot of us are fairly consistant! We may be this way because we were taught to be responsible? We may be this way because 'jumping back and forth' confuses US as much it confuses YOU? So perhaps you could "view" us as individuals...instead of pieces of popcorn inside a "Cracker Jack" box?

Demon #2: If you're gonna flirt with ANY man...cute, ugly or whatever...you're going to receive some sort of attention! Now this might not be the "type of attention" you desire, but that's the risk women take when they...err...display their charms to us! A few of us might "bait you" just to see how far you're willing to go. Others may be turned off by your behavior and will ignore you. But we're only picking up on "the vibes YOU have put on display!"

So if you're finding yourself uncomfortable by our attention...maybe you need to be less ostentatious (aka "SHOWY") and just reveal the portions of yourself that you want us to see? There will ALWAYS be a guy or 2 who might come on TOO STRONG, but if you ignore them and don't respond (unless you threaten to call a COP because you're being harrassed)...they'll probably look elsewhere?

Since there's no profile on you or your personality...there's very little more I can add. Try to remember that "getting to know you" can be just as difficult for us...as it appears to be for you!

Pianoguy