awkward situation - advice please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
awkward situation - advice please?
7
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 9:07pm

I've been seeing someone I like for about a month now. I'm 38 and he's 44. He gets free tickets for events from his job all the time - several times a week. Sometimes with very short notice.

I had invited him to my apartment for dinner tonight, and I was really looking forward to a quiet romantic evening in.

Today at work, he called me to say that he got free tickets to another show. For tonight. Invited me to go. I went out the last two evenings, and had been looking forward to a quiet dinner with him at my home. I told him I wasn't up for going out. I suggested he go to the show and we would reschedule our dinner for another day.

I suggested that because I did not want him to come over for dinner out of obligation, feeling disappointed about missing a show he wanted to attend. I wouldn't want him here if he didn't willingly want to be here. But here I am, alone tonight and disappointed that he didn't come over. Basically, he chose to go alone to a play rather than spend an evening with me, when we've only been seeing each other for about six weeks.

I am also annoyed that he called to change our plans the DAY OF the dinner.

Now I'm wondering if this means it is time for me to send this man on his way. He can't be all that in love with me if he's acting like this.

He seems to have a lifestyle that includes going to cultural events and concerts 4-5 nights a week, every week. It's great to find a guy who likes cultural activities...but I'm starting to think his life has no room for flexibility. If I want to spend time with him, I'd have to conform to his schedule??!!

What would you do?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 9:56pm

Uh, in love with you??? Was that just a figure of speech ;-)?? I mean, of course he's not in love with you after only a month. Or did just mean to convey that you think he must not be that into you?

In any event, I think that you should have been clearer about your desire that he come to dinner. He probably just heard "sure, go to the show" and didn't really pay attention to your unspoken desire that he choose to come to dinner at your place instead.

Do you know if it was a play he'd really been wanting to see? That would make a difference to me. Also, how often do you see each other and do you have another date planned at this point? If you do, he may have thought, oh, I'll be seeing her soon anyway so I may as well go to the play.

Or he just may not be that into you. Hard to say.

Interesting that you think he's not flexible--he seems almost TOO flexible to me, in the sense that he is willing to ditch plans for something last minute.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 9:30am

It may be true that you and him may not wind up compatible, but... to be honest, you were not clear in what you wanted and told him something opposite of what you were feeling. You told him it was ok for him to go when clearly it wasn't. It's not fair to hold him to that now and blame him for going. I would have an honest conversation with him and let him know that next time you'd prefer that he didn't change plans last minute...


Communication is key.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:17pm
I see what happened here: it is the old...."I don't want to sound mean and I'll tell him to go, but deep inside I want him to say that he would rather be with me". He heard what you said verbally, not what you were thinking in your head. You really can't blame him because you said to go. If you would have said that you would prefer him to go over your house for dinner, what do you think he would have done? If you can't keep up with him physically in terms of social life, you need to say something and see how he responds. You can't really make any decisions yet. You owe it to yourself to find out more. He may surprise you and tell you that he was thinking of slowing down anyway. But he would also say that you need to communicate clearly what is going on inside of you because he can't read your mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 3:06pm

Unfortunately, hon, you do not have the right to be all upset and hurt if you TOLD him that he should go to the show instead of dinner.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 7:43pm
I disagree with the prior postings. I do not think it was necessary for you to tell him not to go. Just the fact that he considered canceling a quiet dinner to go to a concert shows that maybe he is not that into you. Was it the first time he was going to your house for dinner? If it wasn't then maybe I would excuse him. If this was the first time he was coming over for dinner, I find it very inconsiderate to change plans at the last minute. I guess he was not looking forward to being with you. He did invite you to the concert, but if you said not in my opinion he should have stuck with the original plan, dinner at your house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 6:07am
I don't think anyone is saying that he shouldn't have stuck with the original plan. But we can only take responsibilities for ourselves and not expect others to act in accordance with our beliefs. So when he asked a clear question, a clear answer should have been given. But don't take that to mean that he should have been breaking the date... :o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:27pm

This is definitely an important issue - you've just started dating and he's choosing a play when freebies are a dime a dozen


I also don't like day of change of plans -


have a conversation about this and see how it goes, if he's this rigid and not into spending time alone in the beginning, well you need to know it

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