Back in the game

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Back in the game
8
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 2:57pm
So I haven't been on a date for four years because I was in a relationship. It's been about 2 months since it ended and I feel pretty grounded and happy with myself so I decided to move forward. During the two months, a few guys asked me out but I didn't want a "rebound"...so I didn't go out with them.

Recently, I went out with a guy...it wasn't referred to as a "date"...but it sure felt like one. We haven't seen each other for years and we really don't know each other...but when I was in my relationship he asked me out...but since I don't cheat...I didn't go out with him then. I was intrigued and attracted to him back then...so now I initiated contact and asked him if he wanted to meet up for coffee. To my surprise he replied immediately and said yes.

We met up and our plans changed from coffee...to dinner/dessert and a movie...all his idea (and he paid). He treated me great and we got along really well. He asked about my situation and I told him that I was single...and though I really should have asked him directly if he had a girlfriend...well I didn't. He did mention an Ex...but that was it. At the end of us "hanging out"...I thanked him and He told me to give him a call...I responded with you can give me a call too...he smiled. He told me that he really enjoyed my company and I know that I gave him the green light that I was interested in him....so now what?

I know that I can call him...but isn't it better to wait for him to call me? I'm new to dating and I hate playing games...but if a guy is interested he should call, right? It's only been a couple of days and well I don't want to rush it. He did hint that this month was really good for him to spend time with me...because his workload was lighter. I know he is interested...though at the end of "hanging out"...I left casually (no kiss, etc) cause I was so confused as to whether I was just on a date or hanging out. I just feel that since I initiated contact the first time...shouldn't he be the one calling me now? Or is that just BS?

See the thing with this guy...is that I've run into him a few of times over a period of 5-6 years...and we've only talked briefly...but both of us were left with an impression of each other. He asked me during dinner if I remembered the first time that I met him...I was really surprised and flattered that he remembered it.

Honestly, I think I got a little flustered at the end of the evening when we said our goodbyes...because well it's been a really long time since I dated...so I'm not used to all this....I'm not sure if he noticed or just thought I wasn't into him...that's why I'm posting here. The evening was really wonderful...but at the last minute I seemed a bit "rushed"...I think he went to give me a hug but I was already stepping out of the car so I said Thank you and gave him a smile and a wave (erg...trust me I wanted that hug).

So now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
In reply to: chefind
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:40pm
I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to know what to do when you both said "you can call me" and left it at that. He may be asking himself the same questions you are. I agree with your thinking though...you initiated the first get-together and told him he could call you. Both those things expressed your interest so I wouldn't imagine you gave an impression of not being into him. I would wait the rest of the week to see if you hear from him. If not, I don't know what I'd do, to be honest. Calling him again would feel desperate to me. I like a man to pursue me and show me that he's interested (and I reciprocate with the same if I am interested). I don't play games or follow rules from a book. Just use common sense and listen to your intuition. Keep us posted on what happens and good luck. If things don't pan out with him, keep looking. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: chefind
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 12:16pm
After talking to a couple of my guy friends...I decided to go ahead and call Thursday night. I was heading to a local bar with a friend and thought I would ask if he wanted to hang out...he told me that he was actually going to the same place that night to meet friends (coincidence?). So we ended the call nicely and he said "he would see me there".

I was meeting my friend earlier so I was there before him and sitting at the bar where I could not be missed...but get this......he arrives and heads over to his friends (which is fine) but takes about 1/2 hour to come over to talk to me. I know he saw me or knew I was around...my friend said she saw his friend looking over at me a couple of times...I was soooo irked that I turned away and then he finally came over to talk to me. I wasn't really "nice"...because I'm not into games....we both are in our early 30's and I thought things should be different at this age. Anyway, as the evening progressed I was nicer and he introduced me to a few of his friends. We couldn't spend all of our time together because we both had other friends around and at the end he was going to drop me at my place cause my friend had to leave early and I felt "buzzed" enough not to drive.

At one point I told myself that it is best just to think that he isn't in to me...but my friend told me that wasn't true cause he kept looking over at me to see where I was and who I was talking too. I was annoyed about having to wonder whether or not he was into me...so I was frank. I asked him directly if he was interested or not...needless to say he was surprised (in a good way). He said "yes" and continued to say that he is very attracted to me but he doesn't want to jump into a relationship without knowing me as a friend first...because he has done that in the past and this time around he wants to establish a friendship first. It's honestly the best answer for me as well. And it was an ice breaker for everything.

After that conversation, we enjoyed each others company. When he was dropping me home, he called his guy friend and wanted me to say hi...he told his friend that "this was the girl that I told you about". So I was flattered, etc., while talking to his friend...I guess the friend told him to ask him what I was doing Friday night...I said I'm not sure yet...haven't made definate plans yet. We laughed and when I was getting out of the car I gave him a hug. And he told me that he would give me a call tommorow (Friday) and we would figure it out. I said OK, smiled...and then I said "you don't have a girlfriend, right?" He said "no" and then he said in passing "you're so weird"...he did not say it negatively...and then we said bye.

I left the whole evening really excited. Then Friday night came along....and he did not call! How annoying. I gave him a window to call...and since he didn't...I made other plans. He told me that he was going away Sunday for a week for vacation...and the whole night on Thursday he kept saying how he had so much packing and ironing to do. We never made definate plans on Friday...but he told me that he would call me. I'm not sure if this is a game he is playing or if he's not really into me. He did not call on Saturday either. I did have a great weekend anyway :) But I'm new to this whole dating scene...and I'm trying not to read too much into this...but I'm being analytical in my spare time! So why would a guy express interest, yet not make any steps to show it? My one thought was he was leaving for vacation and didn't want a "woman" on his mind. What do you think? or as the new saying goes...is he just not really into me?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: chefind
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 12:36pm
Well, for me, personally, whether he's "into" you or not, his behavior leaves something to be desired. Someone saying that he will do something, and then not doing it, doesn't work for me in a r'ship. That's just a rude, inconsiderate thing to do. I would not call him, and would only consider going out with him again if he apologized for not calling when he said he would, and had a good excuse. If he were a person of integrity, he would have called you even if it was just to say, "I know I suggested that we get together tonight but I'm overwhelmed with packing, etc...can we please get together after I get back?"

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: chefind
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 3:04pm
Hi chefind, i;m kinda in the same situation myself right now so know where you're coming from,i was in a long term relationship,and now with this new chap we left it also at the one of us will call each other thing and i now havent got a clue whether to leave it or call him,........in addition he's going off travelling,bit like your chap's vacation thing, so do know how you feel. I'd be inclined to say that if he liked you that much he'd ring, but maybe he's thinking along the same lines as my one is, that is if im going away perhaps would be better not to get involved with her? I do think he likes you though......all the signs are there, just cant quite understand what he's playing at. One way or another though, he needs to be straight with you otherwise(and i know how you feel here) this is going to drive you nuts! :-/ Keep us posted!!

Alice X

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: chefind
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 10:26pm
Oh my....you won't believe this.....his friend called me! On Thursday night, when we were hanging out he introduced me to one of his friends...and we were chatting and he asked if I wanted to go to a game with him sometime...I said sure. I didn't think I was leading him on cause I thought he knew who I was really interested in (who we will refer to as GI). As I was leaving with GI...GI mentioned that his buddy thought I was really beautiful and I responded with oh no...I was just talking to him cause he was your friend and he asked for my number (yes, honestly, I was naive)...and GI said that it was OK cause I could just hang out with him as a friend. He knew I was not interested in him as any more.......erg. The strange thing about all this...is his friend who I met on Thursday called me Saturday and today. What really sucks is I wanted GI to call me when he told me he would and he didn't...yet his buddy is more interested! Gosh, this whole dating thing is really something else. I'm not interested in GI's friend at all...as a friend maybe...so do I call him back as a potential friend? Cause if GI ever does call me back won't it be weird if I dissed one of his friends? Let me know how you think I should handle this...I don't want to date his friend...have no interest...but I'm new to the area so new friends isn't such a bad thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: chefind
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 6:41pm

So I made a decision....I'm not going to call GI's friend. Even if he wants to hang out as "friends"...I have an inclination that isn't the truth...so I'll stick to my instinct and just keep my distance. He should get a hint. I don't want to lead him on, and as for GI telling me that it was "OK"...what an idiot.

GI has not called and I don't expect him too. I don't get why a guy would tell you he is interested, but then won't take any actions to show you...obviously there is some type of "disconnect" happening here.

Hopefully, you guys agree that I'm taking the right step of not calling his friend...and for deciding never to call GI again either. If he said he was going to call and doesn't...well that's just inconsiderate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
In reply to: chefind
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:26pm
It is very frustrating how women are always wondering why her guy did not call. I was kind of going through the same thing. Our insecurity definitely plays a major part on this. I'd give this guy sometime since he did mention that he wants to be friends first. Maybe he was indeed preoccupied with his trip. If he calls you right after he is back from vacation, casually ask "So when are we going on this get together that you mentioned?" Maybe he will explain why he did not keep his promise. But if he still does not call back after his vacation, then he is probably not interested. Usually when a guy says he will do something, I'd expect he will at least give me an explanation when he can't keep his 'promise'. Well, I am not an relationship expert. Everyone has different experience. I am learning as well. Does your gut feeling tell you that he likes you? Your friends seem think so. Why be so insecure? Seems like you also have guys asking you out (including GI's friend). So be confident and guys will bow under your feet! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
In reply to: chefind
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:46pm
Wait at least three days but don't be afraid to call. You never know. Just keep it very casual and have an excuse for calling. (i.e. my boss just gave me these two tickets to the basetball game. I wondered if you would like to go). Don't worry about the rules too much. If you end up married with three kids and 10 grandchildren, it won't matter who made the first call.