Backing Off Doesn't Work

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Backing Off Doesn't Work
7
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:36pm
Well, I've tried to back off from the guy that took me to lunch. (See my entry, "Let's Do Lunch"). I haven't e-mailed him. I haven't called him. I haven't even spoken one word to him at church... Until last weekend, when I volunteered at a place that our church funds in order to take care of the homeless. Well, guess who ELSE was there? "The guy" I've been shying away from. I tried to be cordial, throwing out a casual, "hey, how ya doin'?" as I'm still walking. He did say, "hi" back. I went on about my duties. About an hour and a half later, all the volunteers were packed like sardines, into the kitchen area of this place, myself and "this guy" included. Well, then comes the awkward silence as our eyes meet and we're not sure if we should say something or just pretend to be wallflowers. So, being the conversationalist I am, I asked him, smiling and friendly, "so, when's the last time you voted for my site?" (I had sent a mail out to ALL my friends about my new web site and had asked for their assistance in voting for my site every time they had a chance). This was before his "avoidance" started. Anyway, he replied, almost as if he was aggravated, "since the last time you e-mailed me." Then he changed his tone to a softer voice and added, "What was that - about two weeks ago?" I just kind of looked at him as if I were shell-shocked. I mean, why did he sound so harsh? Then again, maybe he wasn't purposely trying to sound that way - it just came out that way? (After all, he IS a "MAN...")? I don't know. What's his deal? I've noticed some of the friends he hangs out with (who used to be friendly to me), are also kind of acting stand-offish towards me. What the heck did I do that was SO WRONG??? It's like nothing I do seems to work! I've tried being myself... I've tried being "mysterious," and finally, backing off altogether. It doesn't work for me. I guess I'll never get married at this rate. If I hear one more confidant tell me, "aw, you'll find someone who appreciates you, blah, blah, blah..." I'm going to SCREAM!!! All I seem to attract are... well... *thinks about what's she's saying* It's not right to judge others... I'm shutting up now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:46pm
You're dying to get married...you obviously figure it'll take care of your problems, insecurities, doubts, fears, and whatever else...that probably comes off bigger than Dallas in person - and one date is enough for anybody to figure out they don't want to be responsible for the security, success, and happiness of your life.

So backing off, acting mysterious or being casual isn't going to work.....if you're desperate to get married - you're going to have to be beneficial, comfortable, convenient, easy, and providing ot someone with less than you've got...so that they'll be with you for the perks of the rlationship - not the desire of you.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:05pm

This man

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:08pm
Let's set the record straight:

I DO NOT need a guy to make me happy, or secure, or successful!

I am successful by myself: I'm studying to be an RN and going back to get my Masters so that I can specialize in Cardiology.

All I'm saying is that sometimes it gets a little lonely coming home to an empty house. And an empty telephone... I HAVE NO FRIGGIN' FRIENDS, OK??!! It's so hard to make friends here in FL!! It's like they'll cut your stomach out if they think you've swallowed money! I had no problems making friends in NC nor did I have a problem attracting a decent guy when I lived in NC. I didn't even have to try! If I could move back to NC, I WOULD. I can't afford to move because I'm in school. (In school = poorhouse LOL). Once I graduate, I'll be able to pay off my debts, and possibly move back and provide for myself WITHOUT some guy's help, thank you kindly. i could careless if he wanted to get married to tell you the truth. All I want is a !@#$ friend in this crazy world! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? Forget it. You ppl have no CLUE what I'm going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:21pm
I do have a clue what you're going thru...if what you want is companionship and camaraderie and perhaps finding a dating partner in that universe...you're going to have to drop the victim mentality and do more than "work, study, try to find a date".

Basically - look at what you're not...and don't use the excuse "well, because I'm a student'.....unless what you're saying is "until I'm not a student I'm going to be lonely, miserable, afraid, and anxiety-ridden".......you're not someone with interests - other than your education.

And education is great, it'ss the stepping stone to a career and professional success - if you pursue those things following the education. Which it sounds like you will - kudos to you.

But basically, a relationship doesn't make you someone or osmething you're not. So what you are now...is what you'll be "in" a relationship - because you'll attract people exactly like you are NOW - as a result of being like you are now.

So, take up running - you can do that and go to school...or find an interest or hobby that odesn't involve much money but that you're interested in fro itself - not just as an opportunity to meet people.

As you do that, you're going to find that you interact with people that're intrested in what you are interested in...and of those people - some percentage of them will have the same reason for being interested in it. Those people that like it for the same reasons you do - get the same benefit from it personally that you do - those people share your values and priorities and interests...and perhaps more.

Those are people to cultivate friendship with....based on shared interests and goals - there'll be commonalities of perception of life and self - and there will be experiences to share with them and learn from as a result of spending time and sharing interests with them. That's where the people you most likely will have compatibility and trust and harmony with for dating are found...people that share your interestss, values, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.

That is normally reflected in the overall lifestyle that a person leads...so no matter what phase of life you're in - it's transitional. Just like now is a transition between youth and adulthood and getting your independent footing. And in transition - you still can have a lifestyle that reflects your personal values, priorities, standards, goals, self-awareness and self-responsibility. The people that are interested in that lifestyle - and who's lifestyle you're interested in - they're at least worth a nod and a hello!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 7:37pm
Perhaps this guy and his friends are standoffish because you are coming across as standoffish to them (or at least that's the way it comes across in your post). You didn't even have a relationship with this guy, and you're playing all of these games to get his attention. Why are you making such a big deal about it? You said you tried being yourself, and that didn't work, so you tried to be something else. That was your biggest mistake. Why are you trying to be something you're not in order to get a guy? If he was attracted to that, then you would have to continue that facade to maintain the relationship. You should never try to be something you're not in a relationship. If he's not attracted to the real you, then so be it. So I would say, go back to being yourself and show your positive qualities to this guy whenever you see him. Be friendly and chat with him if you feel so inclined and leave it at that. If he's going to be attracted to anything, it will be to a positive attitude and personality, not someone who is nice one day and ignores him the next. I would say that he probably picked up on some kind of negative vibe from you early on, which to you was about your insecurity about being liked. And your eratic behavior since has only confirmed in his mind that you're not someone he wants to get to know. So go back to being yourself, and if there are any feelings on his part, let them surface naturally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:20pm
Victim mentality? Have YOU EVER been raped twice by two different men? Have YOU ever been molested? Have you gone your whole life never having a positive father figure because they all either wanted to abandon you, or sexually abuse you or to abuse you mentally/verbally? Have you ever grown up being picked on by boys because you had a severe cleft palate and looked different from the other girls in your class? Have you gone your whole life having negative (sometimes violent) experiences with guys? Until you have, then you have no right to tell me to drop the "victim mentality." I have never - REPEAT - never had a guy truly try to get to know me for me... to be a true friend unless he was after something - usually to purposely hurt me. Granted, I look much better now than I did when I was a kid. Guys are more proned to turn their heads in my direction every now and then. But for some reason - maybe my "victim" attitude shows - they decide they don't like what they see and instead of taking a chance and getting to know me, they all of the sudden avoid me. Like I said, you have no idea what I've been through as far as guys are concerned.

************

I just wanted to add that the above is the reson for my lack of self esteem and so-called VICTIM MENTALITY.


Edited 5/11/2004 8:23 pm ET ET by tjhlcs29

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:42pm
No, the reasons you stated MIGHT lead you to lack self-confidence..however, I honestly doubt having been thru quite alot myself in many regards...that you would lack self-confidence despite your appearance, particularly once the situation was altered somewhat, if you had self-esteem.

Self-esteem is what you think of yourself...it's self-love, acceptance, awareness, responsibility, respect, and admiration. It's not bsed in your looks - it's based in your actions. Believe me - some very beautiful people haven't got self-esteem, because they use their looks to get things that they don't legitimate earn. And they don't respect themselves for doing that...adn they are terrified of the day tht thier looks will no longer be their "ticket to success".

So self-esteem is earned by you conducting yourself at all times by your values, priorities and standards...pursing your goals via those guidelines...and differentiating between feelings and facts in all situaitons nad using the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. You'll gain immense respect, admiration, acceptance and awareness of yourself when that is a reality in your life. And its all self-generated - that's the good news.

As a reuslt of self-esteem...you won't be overjoyed, elated, astonished, or grateful that someone "glanced your way"...because that is what is 'giving you away" and is now victimizing you still with these guys. YOu're so delighted to have good feelings that being desired inspires - that you give to them everything that you possibly can (not necessarily sex) out of gratification for thier attention. As a result - you never know if they're wanting sex, money, or benefits of some sort...or to get to know you. YOu begin offering so quickly all the amenities possible for showing you the approval and attention you crave due to lack of self-esteem...that they're inundated immediatley with ease, convenience, benefits and pleasure - all at no obligation.

The people that stick around while you adore, worhship, rever and besiege them with gifts and trinkets, or attention and adoration...are not there because they want to give, will gie, or becuase htey're interested in you as ap erson or meeting your needs. They're there because you're offering a free buffet with every asset in your life - and what they want they'll take without obligation...free lunch, after all.

So....and i do understand your position.....and given that it is nothing you can eliminate...you have a choice...and it's a critical one. With the lemons you've got - do you make lemonade? Or, do you suck lemons and make a face? Making lemonade out of the negatives in your life will have people of quality and caliber flocking to your side - to learn about you out of admiration and respect for what you've accomplished. Sucking lemons and making a face is going to make people turn away, ignore, or titter and stare - but it is not giong to get you anyting on a personal or other generated level that you want or need in your life.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com