Backing Off Doesn't Work
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Backing Off Doesn't Work
| Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:36pm |
Well, I've tried to back off from the guy that took me to lunch. (See my entry, "Let's Do Lunch"). I haven't e-mailed him. I haven't called him. I haven't even spoken one word to him at church... Until last weekend, when I volunteered at a place that our church funds in order to take care of the homeless. Well, guess who ELSE was there? "The guy" I've been shying away from. I tried to be cordial, throwing out a casual, "hey, how ya doin'?" as I'm still walking. He did say, "hi" back. I went on about my duties. About an hour and a half later, all the volunteers were packed like sardines, into the kitchen area of this place, myself and "this guy" included. Well, then comes the awkward silence as our eyes meet and we're not sure if we should say something or just pretend to be wallflowers. So, being the conversationalist I am, I asked him, smiling and friendly, "so, when's the last time you voted for my site?" (I had sent a mail out to ALL my friends about my new web site and had asked for their assistance in voting for my site every time they had a chance). This was before his "avoidance" started. Anyway, he replied, almost as if he was aggravated, "since the last time you e-mailed me." Then he changed his tone to a softer voice and added, "What was that - about two weeks ago?" I just kind of looked at him as if I were shell-shocked. I mean, why did he sound so harsh? Then again, maybe he wasn't purposely trying to sound that way - it just came out that way? (After all, he IS a "MAN...")? I don't know. What's his deal? I've noticed some of the friends he hangs out with (who used to be friendly to me), are also kind of acting stand-offish towards me. What the heck did I do that was SO WRONG??? It's like nothing I do seems to work! I've tried being myself... I've tried being "mysterious," and finally, backing off altogether. It doesn't work for me. I guess I'll never get married at this rate. If I hear one more confidant tell me, "aw, you'll find someone who appreciates you, blah, blah, blah..." I'm going to SCREAM!!! All I seem to attract are... well... *thinks about what's she's saying* It's not right to judge others... I'm shutting up now.

So backing off, acting mysterious or being casual isn't going to work.....if you're desperate to get married - you're going to have to be beneficial, comfortable, convenient, easy, and providing ot someone with less than you've got...so that they'll be with you for the perks of the rlationship - not the desire of you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
This man
Start
I DO NOT need a guy to make me happy, or secure, or successful!
I am successful by myself: I'm studying to be an RN and going back to get my Masters so that I can specialize in Cardiology.
All I'm saying is that sometimes it gets a little lonely coming home to an empty house. And an empty telephone... I HAVE NO FRIGGIN' FRIENDS, OK??!! It's so hard to make friends here in FL!! It's like they'll cut your stomach out if they think you've swallowed money! I had no problems making friends in NC nor did I have a problem attracting a decent guy when I lived in NC. I didn't even have to try! If I could move back to NC, I WOULD. I can't afford to move because I'm in school. (In school = poorhouse LOL). Once I graduate, I'll be able to pay off my debts, and possibly move back and provide for myself WITHOUT some guy's help, thank you kindly. i could careless if he wanted to get married to tell you the truth. All I want is a !@#$ friend in this crazy world! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? Forget it. You ppl have no CLUE what I'm going through.
Basically - look at what you're not...and don't use the excuse "well, because I'm a student'.....unless what you're saying is "until I'm not a student I'm going to be lonely, miserable, afraid, and anxiety-ridden".......you're not someone with interests - other than your education.
And education is great, it'ss the stepping stone to a career and professional success - if you pursue those things following the education. Which it sounds like you will - kudos to you.
But basically, a relationship doesn't make you someone or osmething you're not. So what you are now...is what you'll be "in" a relationship - because you'll attract people exactly like you are NOW - as a result of being like you are now.
So, take up running - you can do that and go to school...or find an interest or hobby that odesn't involve much money but that you're interested in fro itself - not just as an opportunity to meet people.
As you do that, you're going to find that you interact with people that're intrested in what you are interested in...and of those people - some percentage of them will have the same reason for being interested in it. Those people that like it for the same reasons you do - get the same benefit from it personally that you do - those people share your values and priorities and interests...and perhaps more.
Those are people to cultivate friendship with....based on shared interests and goals - there'll be commonalities of perception of life and self - and there will be experiences to share with them and learn from as a result of spending time and sharing interests with them. That's where the people you most likely will have compatibility and trust and harmony with for dating are found...people that share your interestss, values, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.
That is normally reflected in the overall lifestyle that a person leads...so no matter what phase of life you're in - it's transitional. Just like now is a transition between youth and adulthood and getting your independent footing. And in transition - you still can have a lifestyle that reflects your personal values, priorities, standards, goals, self-awareness and self-responsibility. The people that are interested in that lifestyle - and who's lifestyle you're interested in - they're at least worth a nod and a hello!
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
************
I just wanted to add that the above is the reson for my lack of self esteem and so-called VICTIM MENTALITY.
Edited 5/11/2004 8:23 pm ET ET by tjhlcs29
Self-esteem is what you think of yourself...it's self-love, acceptance, awareness, responsibility, respect, and admiration. It's not bsed in your looks - it's based in your actions. Believe me - some very beautiful people haven't got self-esteem, because they use their looks to get things that they don't legitimate earn. And they don't respect themselves for doing that...adn they are terrified of the day tht thier looks will no longer be their "ticket to success".
So self-esteem is earned by you conducting yourself at all times by your values, priorities and standards...pursing your goals via those guidelines...and differentiating between feelings and facts in all situaitons nad using the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. You'll gain immense respect, admiration, acceptance and awareness of yourself when that is a reality in your life. And its all self-generated - that's the good news.
As a reuslt of self-esteem...you won't be overjoyed, elated, astonished, or grateful that someone "glanced your way"...because that is what is 'giving you away" and is now victimizing you still with these guys. YOu're so delighted to have good feelings that being desired inspires - that you give to them everything that you possibly can (not necessarily sex) out of gratification for thier attention. As a result - you never know if they're wanting sex, money, or benefits of some sort...or to get to know you. YOu begin offering so quickly all the amenities possible for showing you the approval and attention you crave due to lack of self-esteem...that they're inundated immediatley with ease, convenience, benefits and pleasure - all at no obligation.
The people that stick around while you adore, worhship, rever and besiege them with gifts and trinkets, or attention and adoration...are not there because they want to give, will gie, or becuase htey're interested in you as ap erson or meeting your needs. They're there because you're offering a free buffet with every asset in your life - and what they want they'll take without obligation...free lunch, after all.
So....and i do understand your position.....and given that it is nothing you can eliminate...you have a choice...and it's a critical one. With the lemons you've got - do you make lemonade? Or, do you suck lemons and make a face? Making lemonade out of the negatives in your life will have people of quality and caliber flocking to your side - to learn about you out of admiration and respect for what you've accomplished. Sucking lemons and making a face is going to make people turn away, ignore, or titter and stare - but it is not giong to get you anyting on a personal or other generated level that you want or need in your life.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com