Backing Up His Words

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2011
Backing Up His Words
5
Sun, 06-16-2013 - 1:10pm

I've been dating a guy for about three months now.  Our background is....we've both been married twice.  My son is grown and I now live alone.  This guy has a teenager at home and a younger one that lives with her mom.  I'm aware that he has more responsiblilty than me at home and can't always afford to take me out on real dates and I don't expect him to always pay for our dates.

The problem is.....is that we don't have many phone conversations that help us to get to know each other better.   Instead, it seems that we have moved to a "texting relationship."  I get about 5 plus text messages a day telling me how pretty I am, how much he misses me, how he can't wait to see me, etc. but he doesn't really make plans to see me. 

I want some advice on how to let him know, without hurting his feelings, that the compliments are too much and don't seem sincere now.  And if he says he misses me and really wants to see me then he needs to make it happen.

Thanks!

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 06-16-2013 - 4:31pm

I feel I need more information in order to comment. Did you go on dates in the beginning? How many and how often? When did the texts start? Are you saying that he now never takes you out and he just texts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-16-2013 - 9:08pm

I really don't like texting unless I want to say something short like arranging a time to meet up.  I think if you can't see each other that often, you do really need to have actual conversations which are pretty hard by text.  Maybe you could say to him "I just don't like texting that much.  I'd like to talk to you on the phone every 2 days" or whatever you want and try to arrange a time to do that.  It also doesn't mean that much to me to get these kind of generic compliments--not that it's not sincere, but I agree that you are not really getting to know him just by him saying "I miss you."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 06-17-2013 - 10:02am

Three months into the relationship is long enough to ask for what you want in a relationship. If he's scared away because of your needs, then he's not the right guy for you anyway. This is what I would do. Call him and if he doesn't answer, leave a voicemail that you want him to phone you. Don't have a conversation in texts. If he calls you, tell him that to be happy in a relationship, you need at least one date a week (or two, if that's your wish, and one phone conversation per day. Tell him that the date can consist of you cooking a meal together, taking a hike in a park, popping popcorn and watching t.v. together. (Things that don't cost much.) 

If he doesn't want the same things as you, it means you're not compatible. Even if he's cute, nice, smart, etc., he doesn't meet your needs and you need to cut him loose so you can search for a man who does. Maybe he was clueless to what you wanted and will care enough about you to start doing these things, and enjoying them. If he says okay, you'll have to give him time to prove himself, and see if his changes are permanent.

When I was single and my kids had flown the nest, I decided to not date a man who had contacted me online because he had a five year old and I knew if we dated, our time together would be very limited. I wanted a companion who I could spend at least twice a week together with. You have to make decisions that will work for you. Think of yourself as the treasure. A man has to treat you right to stay in your life. Don't accept a man who only throws you crumbs now and then. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2010
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 7:18am
just say something like "bob, is it possible that we can speak more often? the texting is fine but I think phone communication (or in person, whichever one you are going for) is a practical approach as well." theoretically he should be receptive to your concerns
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 4:29pm

justme2011 wrote:
<p>I've been dating a guy for about three months now.  Our background is....we've both been married twice.  My son is grown and I now live alone.  This guy has a teenager at home and a younger one that lives with her mom.  I'm aware that he has more responsiblilty than me at home and can't always afford to take me out on real dates and I don't expect him to always pay for our dates.</p><p>The problem is.....is that we don't have many phone conversations that help us to get to know each other better.   Instead, it seems that we have moved to a "texting relationship."  I get about 5 plus text messages a day telling me how pretty I am, how much he misses me, how he can't wait to see me, etc. but he doesn't really make plans to see me. </p><p>I want some advice on how to let him know, without hurting his feelings, that the compliments are too much and don't seem sincere now.  And if he says he misses me and really wants to see me then he needs to make it happen.</p><p>Thanks!</p>

 

When he says he misses you and really wants to see you, you need to speak up immediately and say "I'm free ______ evening. How about you pick me up and take me some place fun?!"  If he balks or comes up with some excuse, then you know that he's not interested in making any kind of investment in you... he's keeping you at bay with the text messages.  At 3 months, it should have moved on to daily or every-two days phone contact where you hear each other's voices and see each other at least once a week and once on the weekends.