Bad 1st Date...2nd chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Bad 1st Date...2nd chance?
3
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 4:09pm

Hi All...I need advice,

One year after my failed 5 yr relationship, I got up the courage to start dating again. This man, I think he was dropping hints, and so after contemplating it: I asked him out to coffee. He responded with a, "Want to lunch instead?" So we lunched, but know that I do not do sit downs VERY well. I think sit down dates are horrible because there is so much pressure.

Of course, seeing that it was my first date in a long time, it was a train wreck. We were both nervous. He began to speak about his investments, his real estates, etc. Stuff that I normally do not disclose. I felt so small compared to him, so in order to prove to myself and him that I was just as good...I disclosed my smarts and my stuff. But that's really not who I am at all. That's not what's important in my life, and at that time, I felt like I had to make it a priority because he was making it a priority.

So there's this spot that I go to all of the time: Emerald Bay, Laguna Beach. It's a cliff that overlooks the ocean and the city. My friends and I used to go there with our guitars and hot coco and just sit and chat. There's a lot of history there. A lot of secrets hidden in between the bushes and the ocean. A lot of memories.

I went there last night with my friends, and I realized that that's the person I am. Not some smarty pants with a trust fund.

Why do I feel like there is a need to clear the air? I'm embarassed because I feel like who I showed in there WASN'T me. And for some reason, I just have this urge to shake him and say this is who I am. I'm Emerald Bay, Laguna Beach!

At this point, I'm pass the stage of wanting him to like me. If so, why do I want to show him who I truly am? And....what do I do?

Thank you all for your response. As you all know, I'm new to the dating world...and I'm not good with proper etiquette.

Nina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 5:18pm

angelanin...

Pianoguy has one word for you....R-E-L-A-X!

You are not inferior to this man and you're not a bad person! There has been a 5-year lapse between your last "date" and this one...so expecting perfection and instant chemistry is silly.

What you honestly have to ask yourself is: "Do I REALLY want to date this man a 2nd time and if so, what type of scenerio would make us more comfortable?"

From what you described, the gentleman made you feel like a 'lesser person' than he was, but there might have been a reason? When he brought up the investments and the trust fund, this could have been his way of showing you that he was a 'responsible person'...and not some geek off the street? Many men often try to impress a woman by revealing financial assets...simply because there are more than a few women who are checking them (the men) out...both PHYSICALLY and FINANCIALLY!

Since you were 'basically insecure' (due to the dating lapse you've had)...you might want to just start with coffee next time? To use an old advertising slogan: "IT'S THE THINK DRINK!" And then...if you THINK you want to 'go for seconds' (a.k.a. have a 2nd date)...GREAT!

Best wishes and warm thoughts,

Pianoguy (who'd rather look at Laguna Beach instead of the freezing rain in Maine)!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 6:55pm

that what dating is, you have good ones and bad dates and you learn from them. It seems like you were not comfortable being yourself around him. It could have been your nerves or his but that is okay....hopefully he thinks that same and is willing to give it another shot.

I've given second dates to guys I thought were not that great in the first date and guess what sometimes they turn out GREAT because you are less nervous and more apt to be yourself. Don't worry if he doesn't call you and least you learned from this experienced ;)

GOOD LUCK!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 7:56pm
Greetings Angelain,
Bellina sends greetings! I know that usually ist dates don't always run so smooth,relaxed
and as we'd always prefer.Despite the comfort level not being such,did you sense anything
you genuinely liked about him?Perhaps due to nervous tension he just chatted about his financial saavy inlieu of more casual conversings like personal interestts,hobbies,goals and such.If you were attracted to him perhaps go for coffees,lattes and let him know of your kindred spirit and passions like Laguna Beach,he may also share a mutual liking of
one of God's natural splendors. In England,my country there was a very attractive fellow who had the need to express how successful and financially set he was(a financial/mortgage broker)and ran off a tad extreme on this matter.Finally,after listening for an hour,smiling I changed subjects,and expressed my passions for art/designing,love for theater(musicals).I found this broke the ice and had this
same interest which made a greater sense of comfort.If you have any hobbie,interest you absolutely love,bring it up.See if there's anything that you have a connection,desired travel destinataion,interest in.If not, then move on..and find someone who also shares your dreams,passions; like the beach,nature,etc..There are alot of men out there who are waiting for someone as your lovely,intelligent,sensitive self to watch a breathtaking sunset,with waves crashing and your company! Now go find that fellow!Best wishes,Bellina Faire