Bad boy appeal: is there any truth in it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Bad boy appeal: is there any truth in it
11
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:42pm
I'm posting on the behalf of a friend of mine, a gorgeous Italian guy who has troubles with girls. He's very kind, sensitive, intelligent, caring, attentive but girls label him a nice guy and dump him.

He thinks that girls fall for bad boys and being called a nice guy is the kiss of death.

Please fell me in (and him) on what is the truth about it. How bad is attractive and how much is outirght scary.

Do you think he should change?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:56pm
I think men who are not assertive and try too hard to please- "yes men" who rarely stand up for themselves are mislabeled as "nice" - that is not nice - it is dishonest, weak, and means that someday, when pushed a little too far that person likely will "explode" in anger - and it's not pretty.

I know men who are conventionally handsome who are not confident and therefore are not attractive to women and average looking guys who have sparkle and confidence and presence who are very attractive to women.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 11:01pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 6:29am
Here is another article about this topic written by a rabbi on beliefnet.com:

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/46/story_4620_1.html

My opinion is that women prefer assertive men to doormats. Don't know if this fellow is a doormat but if so he will need to find himself one of those take-charge type ladies who likes a man she can walk all over! Don't worry...they're out there! Iri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:59am
Bad boys do attract a lot of girls. Not all. I don't know if this guy's a doormat.

What do you think? He sounds like a great guy to me. Why wouldn't you be interested in him?

Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:16am
Please give your friend my advice; smart girls do not want or like bad boys! What he can do, is maybe more of a challenge, that's all. I used to be too nice; always available, over generous, faithful no matter what (still am). I'd go above and beyond for every boyfriend- whether they deserved it or not. Sounds like your friend may follow my old pattern!

What he can do is still remain a "nice guy" so that another "nice girl" will find him someday. But he should stop putting time and effort into the wrong type of girl. He should give certain aspects of himself only when he feels that his object of affection deserves them. He shouldn't be so eager to please unless his girlfriend is!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 3:24pm
I agree with others ... your friend might have more of a people-pleasing problem, rather than a case of being too "nice." Women probably perceive him as too accommodating, too gentle, too weak. That's not the same thing as being nice or kind.

We all want someone who challenges us, keeps us on our toes, a bit... who has his own agenda... who doesn't "give in" all the time... someone who is self-confident. That doesn't mean he has to be a "bad" boy! As a matter of fact, I run FAR away from guys who can't be trusted, relied upon, or who feel compelled to have sex with as many women as possible, simultaneously. Guys who think it's OK to hurt or neglect me DO NOT interest me at all.

I am also not interested in some LOSER guy with no job and no ambition, or somebody who is into illegal things. That's MY definition of a bad boy, and I want no parts of him.

Bottom line: I think some women find the bad boy type intriguing and exciting, for a minute. But a mature woman with a healthy dose of self esteem will not stay with a bad boy for long. He's kind of like an really scary amusement park ride... kind of fun for a minute, but you're glad when the ride is over and you made it out in one piece!



Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 3:35pm
I think there is definitely a Bad Boy allure that some woman find attractive, just like some men like bitchy woman.

Some woman like a man who is rugged, rides a Harley so to speak, lives on the edge, etc. primarily because there is some aspect of excitement involved. Not that a nice guy can't be exciting, but rather they are too accomodating to women taking all the allure and intrique away. I would say most woman who date a bad boy rarely settle down with them and if they do it doesn't last, because by then the woman is now wanting all the things a nice guy possesses. So I would convey to your Italian Stallion that his time will come and a woman will see his gifted qualities for what they truly are. If he changes, he would only find love most likely temporarily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:41pm
Actually he's great and he has dropped hints. But he usually says he's more into blond surfer girls which I'm not.

But to admit, I fall for more assertive guys.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:43pm
You are totally right. I realized he's over-available to all his girlfriends. I just wished he was more of a challenge.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 10:19am
Given what you posted below about your difficult situation -- why not give this guy a chance, if you're interested? You do seem to be somewhat in a fantasy world, and life is passing you by. You could at least tentatively explore the possibility that a "gorgeous" too-nice guy who is actually (perhaps) available might turn into something exciting and desirable.

I wouldn't take the stuff about blonde surfer girls too seriously. At one time, I thought I didn't care for blondes. Then I fell for one harder than I'd ever fallen before!

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