Bamboozalled by ex-guyfriend
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Bamboozalled by ex-guyfriend
| Fri, 08-06-2004 - 1:19pm |
This past week I went home to see my family. Just before I left I contacted an old beaux that I used to work with and had sexual relations with in the past. I have always from the day I met him had strong emotional feelings for him and had even told him that I cared very deeply for him. About 2 and a half years ago I moved away to seek better opportunities for myself in career and schooling. I was so broken up when I had to leave him behind. I called him off and on from the point that I left. The problem is that when I got home we hooked up. The emotions and feelings resurfaced and I couldn't control the feelings and passion that I had for him and we did the deed. It wasn't until afterwards, that I was faced with the fact that he had been married for about 3 months to his long time childhood girlfriend. I was so confused and hurt. He knew the feelings that I had held for him all these years. What hurt the most is that he didn't convey this information until afterwards. I did not initiate this trist and was quite frankly surprised that he even wanted me at all. He told me during the whole entire moment that he missed me so much. My heart is tearing up inside and I feel so awful because now I feel like a home wreaker and whore. I asked him why he did this and his response was that "I was smoking hot and couldn't resist". Of course he did in someways turn it around on me. He said that I was the one that called and invited him over. He said that my voice was all sexual overtones and what could I expext by inviting a man over. My head is realing at this. I mean his terms of playing mind judo with me overwhelmed me and I don't know what to think. He of course apologized to me for being with me and that in many ways it was his fault by not being stronger. He said he felt guilty and wondered if he should tell his wife. I told him that that was up to him. Then he asked if I was planning on saying anything. I for one don't want to be the bearer of bad news and especially from me. He said because if I was planning to he would rather that it be something that comes from him. We later had a talk about what I was feeling and what I was thinking and I told him how I felt all these years, that he remained in my heart completely. He called me a liar and that I wasn't be truthful to him. He said what did I expect from this, "marriage and better yet why did I leave if I cared so much". He gave me this whole thing about he couldn't trust me and that he couldn't be friends with someone he couldn't trust. I on the otherhand call him a hypocrit for the insinuation because he can't even admit what he did to his wife, that he is weak. I have cried for three nights straight in bed at night because I felt so unwanted, used, betrayed, and I can't even describe all that is going in my mind. All I know is that I don't know what to do. I am frightened of myself and the person I see in the mirror.

He took you up on your offer, which you willingly indulged in physical intimacy with him without honest communication on your part - such as "are you married now"....."is this more than "just one night'?
And now you feel "used"...no, you're upset that he's married, that he didn't divulge it, that he took you up on your offer without honestly communicating with you first.
Yo uwant someone to "take the blame" - but fault/blame solve and change nothing.
You got laid, he lacks character and would bed anybody that would give him a no-obligation offer.
Move on...it's done. Just be glad you're not married to him - he sleeps with anybody that is willing, he's dishonest with you so he's dishonest with his wife - that is precisely the type of person that is in your nightmares.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Just because you slept with your ex beau does not make you a whore. In my book, a whore is a woman who will sleep with almost anyone. Also, you didn't intentionally sleep with 'a married man' because you didn't know he was married until afterwards. I think it's awful that he didn't say anything about his marital status and proceeded to cheat on his wife; after three months of marriage no less! He asked if he should tell his wife and then asked if you would. Do you know his wife? I guarantee you if he said that, he meant that if you don't tell her he's not going to either, he'd just rather beat you to it if you were and probably to tell her that you seduced him. Dry your eyes, he's not worth it. What's done is done and as they say, you can't unscramble eggs. Consider yourself lucky that you aren't his wife. Lucy
to the original message poster: Yes, I agree with Erin, you cant really expect much when you sleep with someone without discussion. And ya, maybe you had alternitive motives in calling him, maybe you did want to sleep with him and thats why you called and maybe you dont want to admit it to yourself. That doesnt make you a bad person at all, and anyone who says otheriwse reeeaaaally shouldnt throw stones.
BUT you probably wouldnt EXPECT that he was married, either. You would EXPECT him to tell you. You would also EXPECT a man of any moral fibre to be true to his vows.
You would expect that after your history with him, and his history with his wife, that he would care enough to be honest with AT LEAST one of you.
From the sounds of it, he was selfishly looking for a good time. He knew you wouldnt sleep with him if he was with someone else, so he didnt tell you until he got what he wanted.
Again, I agree with Erin here, be thankful you are not his wife. Yes, poor you, you were too trusting of someone you thought deserved that part of you. Yes poor you, you feel used and hurt. I completely empathise (sp?)
But poor HER. She has to live with him. She has to live with a man who has soiled thier vows, and who will probably do it again sometime down the raod. She has to live with a scumbag who takes advantage of peoples trust. People who care about him, like her and like you.
You are better off. Stop crying, look in the mirror, and say 'who is that Beeee ooo tiful girl? Shes a gem, and shes a little wiser today than she was yesterday, and that wisdome makes her that much more precious"
Take care and cheer up, you are worth so much more than that scum. You are not a home wrecker.
But then he told you and you, of course, got upset. You didn't call him to come between him and someone else. You didn't call with any intention of being a mistress or a homewrecker- YOU DIDN'T KNOW. Sure, looking back you COULD have ASKED- but given the past between you two, you assumed he would tell you something like that, right? I mean, if he had come to town and called YOU up and you were married, you would have told him that during the "how you been?" conversation, right? So you expected the same, that's fair.
So when you got upset, he tried to turn it around on you. That's unfair on his part, because he was at least privy to the little info such as HE'S MARRIED!! So what if you "looked smokin' hot"? That's no excuse!!! He should be keeping it in his pants until he's home with his wife! If it was me, I would certainly tell her what was going on! Whether you know her or not, she has the right to know that her husband is a liar and a cheat. You could send her an anonymous letter that you saw her husband with another woman and are concerned since after questioning this other woman found out that he had told her he was single. That way he can't come back and blame you.
Either way, put this loser and what happened behind you. You can't feel guilty for something you didn't know at the time. Had you known, it would never have happened, right? If this guy contacts you, tell him where to go and how to get there!
Chin up, ok? You're a good person, he's not. Let it go and use this as a life lesson to be a little more cautious with men, even those you think you know.