like beating a dead dog but confused :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
like beating a dead dog but confused :(
6
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 8:42pm

This is LIKE beating a dog that's been dead for a long time already but I need someone to interpret something for me, and I would really appreciate it.

This is related to the posting about my ex that I wrote not too long ago. Now I am having a difficult time trying to understand what is going on because I feel there are a lot of mixed messages coming from my ex boyfriend.

We have been talking on the phone a lot lately and seeing each other more than ever before when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We saw each other for the first time in 5 weeks last Friday and he gave me the understanding that he needed time but there is the possibility of his feelings coming back at some point. He told me that he feels nothing for me anymore because of an incident that happened on my birthday night. When him and I were broken up, he SAW me kissing another man (this is the incident I am speaking of) and of course he was hurt by it although he still denies it. He said he does not feel anything for me any longer and sees me just as a friend because he feels that someone else has touched me now.

I told him that the guy I kissed was a good friend of mine and it involved a lot of alcohol. It would not have happened without the effects of alcohol but he refuses to accept that alcohol had anything to do with it. Now, we have been broken up for about 6 weeks and we got together again last night to have drinks with one of MY male friend. My ex asked to join us (God knows why he wanted to join us) and so he did. I was completely fine seeing him, I did NOT feel compelled to discuss our relationship at all but throughout the night my ex kept on saying little comments like "ohh you should just go and marry a rich guy, he is worth your time" and "see that guy in the suit, he is a lawyer, go talk to him" and "so, how is your boyfriend doing" and "I am nothing, go back to B (my friend), he is the one you want to be with" etc when he fully well knows the guy I kissed is my friend and NOT my boyfriend. Why does he do that? If he knows we are just friends at this point, why does he need to start discussing our relationship or make stupid comments like he did?

Also, when we talk on the phone (as we did to today) he was saying to me "look, it will NEVER happen again, you and I will NEVER be together again." Then as the conversation goes on about the things that went so wrong in our relationship, he seems to warm up to the thought again. For example, he said "ohh i dont want to tell you we might get back together again and then if we dont, I am the back guy" as if going back on what he said about never getting back together again. I feel like he wants to be with me, but cannot get the image of me kissing my friend out of his mind. The incident only happened only 3 1/2 weeks ago so it is still fresh in his mind...I am just very confused at this point what he wants. He has told me on several occasions that he NEVER stays friends with his ex's and that's why he cut all contact with me the first time we broke up. But now he says he wants to be good friends with me (no we are not sleeping together and we will not sleep together). Why? If he says the possibility of us getting back together does not exist, why even keep it up? I am just confused at this point, not hurt any longer and I am not sure what to make of it....any ideas??? Thanks so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 11:29pm
He needs time to figure things out. Give that to him. I feel you need time too, to evaluate whether he is really the right guy. Some space, and some time will probably help cool things down and help him look at things more clearly. Having feelings is not enough to make things happen. There has to be trust, there has to be communication. I really think you both need space from each other for a period of time. Nothing of worth can come out at this time when everything is in an agitated state. The decision to be together or not requires a cool head.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 7:22am
Yes, I spoke to him last night again and we came to the conclusion that we need space for a little bit to clear our heads. We will not speak to each other for a few weeks at least. I know the image of me kissing another man is still very clear in his head and that is why he cannot get over it. I will just respect the boundaries and see what happens. I know he wants to be with me but he cannot shake off the image from his head and needs time to do so. Has anyone had a similar experience? I wonder if he will EVER be able to shake it off?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 5:05pm
he can shake it off only if he "wants" to. were u both together when this happened? or broken up. if u were not together, then it's just a matter of him looking at this with a reasonable, mature mind, knowing that you wouldn't do such a thing when you are in a committed relationship. if he can't let it go, then u have to be prepared that he wont be fully emotionally available to you. in that case, it's best to go separate ways. well, time will tell. goodluck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 5:25pm
We were NOT together at the time. However, I do understand his POV on it. It is a hard thing to shake off, watching someone you are very much in love with kissing another person. He needs time and that is exactly what I am going to give him. Also, it will give me an indication of how I will feel about him if I give myself time as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 5:27pm
Yeah....I think giving each other time and space will help things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 5:31pm
He said to me "relax and let's just call this a break for now and see what happens" Although he tells me that "you are free to go and date whomever you choose" he turns around and says "why not just relax and find out what you want and not date anyone until you figure it out"...so I do believe he wants to work things out in his heart but needs time to do so and wants us to be friends until then. But for now we agreed not to speak to each other for at least a few weeks so both of us can clear our mind.