Being firends impossible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Being firends impossible?
8
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:54am
I met a guy a couple months ago, went on a date, no sparks flew! I thought we both understood that. Anyway, we chatted here and there after that date. One day, while chatting, he decides to give me this speech about not wanting a serious relationship. I'm guessing he wanted to make sure he wasn't leading me on. Which is good because I didn't want the same thing. After that speech we still spoke here and there. He still flirts alot but I take it lightly. I know if he could have a "one-nighter" he would take it in a sec and he also made it very clear he doesn't want a relationship. Anyway, A month passes by and I don't hear from him, so I just send a "hello" email. Well, before even asking me how I am doing, he starts blabbering about a relationship problem with a girl he's been with for some time.

What's the DEAL???!!! Does he take my "hello, how are you" as "I want you baby" or "I want a relationship with you" It's really embarrassing! I just say it to be nice but I think he takes it the wrong way. I should say that he has told me more than once that I should call him, that I better keep in touch etc.

Should I stop talking to him, is that what he wants? I don't get it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:43am
It sounds like what you have is a casual acquaintance not a friend - I don't think it's productive to keep in touch.

Question - why only give it one date - why didn't you give it a second chance to see if there were sparks?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:55am
I'm stuck at why you bothered to contact him at all...he doesn't want to date you, but sex is fine with him. Notice how a month went by and he didn't contact you? He's not taking it the wrong way, you're not reading his signals. He's _got_ friends, he wanted a lover.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:36pm
We never went on a second date because every time we tried to make plans I couldn't go or he couldn't go. Most of the times the plans we just to hang out at his house or go to the movies. We bump into eachother alot because we are in the same neighborhood. He has made attempts to hang out and that's why I did also. I didn't really feel the sparks either and I thought it was understood that we were going to try to remain friends. Like I said it's something he has said also. He has also said to make sure to call him etc. He even helped me out when I had a flat and drove me home. He didn't try anything or give me the impression that he was after one thing. He jokes when he says it but he never pushes it. He tries to act like a jerk but he really isn't.. So that is why I try to be nice like I would to anyone else I meet. I just feel like his attitude changed and now after our last conversation which didn't happen until a month of not talking he was very cold and mentioned this other relationship. I'm just wondering if that was supposed to be my "hint" or maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe he was just trying to be "nice" when his whole purpose was to try to get that "one-nighter" and now he doesn't want to try so he doesn't want to stay in touch. I just don;t want to look like the fool.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:06pm
just leave it...he is a nice guy, but he's not interested in you as a friend or boyfriend...you're an acquaintance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:30am
That's what I figured now...I just don't get why people can't just be honest. Thank you for all your help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:16pm
I think it is very possable to remain friends. I have two children with my ex and we just made it very clear that we are great friends, bad lovers.We do all holidays together, I was even invited to the family dinner for his fathers b-day.He and I talk about our current relationship problems hoping to learn something about ourselves from one another to apply it to our situation here and now.I think as long as you let him know that you are a friend and not trying to pursue anything farther you will feel better...I think he already knows your his friend considering he is willing to open up to you about his current situation hoping for some feedback from a friend....I really hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:44pm
you sound like me, I like it when people are upfront about things, but in the dating world you will find that both men and women don't actually say what they want. many people will ignore calls, say things like let's date other people, this is too serious for me when what they mean is it's over for me and will you please take the hint? you need to learn to read the behaviors, not listen to the words. someone very wise told me to watch as though the tv sound was off and then you will really know his true feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:32am
I think you are right..I just saw him last night. This was the first time he drove by me and didn't call to say he saw me. I guess that was his hint. It's just so stupid. I have remain friends and have stayed in touch with ex's and dates that didn't go anywhere. I have alot of friends and I will never say that I don't need another one. If he didn't act like a friend before i really wouldnt care as much...=(