the best friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
the best friend?
8
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 8:51pm
I dont know what to do, I feel torn. I moved to a new place recently made really good friends with a girl I work with. She introduced me to her cute best friend,who I am now dating for 4 months. She's married and has known my now boyfriend for 3 years, however as soon as I started dating him her attitude towards me changed. She started being extremely rude to me and always trying to put me down. I was shocked at first we were such good friends but then I got fed up and had a talk with him about her behavior, he told me she's a very dominant "woman" and that I should stand up for myself. Well everytime we hang out the four of us she throws tantrums for no good reason and her husband and my boyfiend always rush to her rescue, Im so fed up with her. I broke up with him and all of the sudden she became a good friend for one day and confessed to me that she had problems in her marriage because her husband does not like intimacy, and so..she tends to seek attention from other men to make her feel beutiful or attractive, I figure what it is ,is that I am now taking attention away from her. My boyfriend and I worked things out but its back to the same her being rude and a jerk to me. My boyfriend tells me he loves me everyday and is by my side with everything but doesnt understand the situation Im dealing with. I dont know what to do, we are happy together but when she's around I feel like the alarms starts ringing in my head....DANGER ...B**** ALERT. How do I handle this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 10:21pm
Stop hanging out with her. She looks for attention from ALL men including your BF. It's her problem. She's a B and you can't control that. The best thing you can do for yourself if to remove yourself from a bad situation. She's all messed up in the head and nobody can help her, if she doesn't seek professional attention along with her husband.

Hang out with your BF far away from her and her husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 3:23pm
I wish it was that simple, my boyfriend feels that theese are his lifetime friends (her and her husband) it seems, and so he told me that if I needed a break from his friend that was ok as long as eventually her and I got along, but even though he seems to want a future with me , he's transfering in about 6 months and she will also be transfering, it seems she will always be in his life and her husband too of course but if him and I decide to stay together, if he loves me like he says , Idont want her in our lifes, but it seems really hard to fix. Im afraid to bring it all up, so I dont know wether I should wait 6 months and try to keep the distance between her and I or if I should have the conversation with him which Im sure will end with feelings hurt, Im starting to wonder if I should let go of the relationship but it seems so unfair, if I leave him my heart will be broken, if I dont I might have to deal with her for a long time, which is hell, talk aabout two faced she's all nice in front of him as soon as he turns around she's back .
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 9:21pm

Your BF's cards are already on the table: the woman and his husband are his long time friends and he's not going to give up the friendship. In fact, they'll be moving together to the same place!

Now it's your turn to decide if you can handle this situation. It seems that the woman is messed up in the head and will keep the same pattern, she won't change her ways. Your BF doesn't know it yet but, perhaps, later on he'll realize that every GF he has is spooked by his woman.

In your place I'd think in removing myself from a bad situation, which won't get better over time. In addition, I'd think if this guy is worth the torment and humiliation this woman inflicts on me. She does it concientiously.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 2:29pm
I know you're right, Im just terrified of bringing on the conversation that I know will end it all. It seems lately he's been making extra effort to show me he's with me,when she's around he gives me all his attention and it only makes her more obviously uncomfortable, but her being uncomfortable isnt enough I need her out of my life completely. Thank You so much for your advice, sometimes you need to hear from someone the answer that you wont allow yourself to see. It seems really hard right now, but I know time always helps, so I guess all I got left to do is talk to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 11:05am

Hi,

Not sure if you are still reading these... but I suggest talking to him about her, because these are his friends, and the last thing you want to do is make him chose...he needs to talk to his female friend and tell her that he plans a future with you, and she needs to accept it! that she isn't the only woman in his life.... she obviously has problems, and is kinda acting like his mother!!! LOL so hang in there....and talk to him!

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 5:09pm

My advice is to proceed with caution. There may be more to the situation than you know.

Here is a true story from my past. Reading your post got me thinking of this.

I met a girl and her boyfriend in college. We got along well. We lost touch for a few years, but met up a bit later. She and her boyfriend had married. They had a male friend. He was the husband's best friend since high school and became friends with the wife. The couple kept trying to set me up with the best friend. Thankfully, we got along, but never dated.

Whenever the four of did something like play darts, cards or something the wife always teamed up with the bf and not her husband. A couple of years later in a state of drunkenness, he told me that his wife and the bf had had an affair at the time they were trying to set me up with the bf. She refused to allow the bf out of her life and claimed it was over. To this day the situation has remained the same. The two are married trying to find someone the wife likes for the bf. I am no longer very friendly with these people due to my strong beliefs that adultery is wrong. While I feel bad for the husband, I think he should have stood up for himself even if it meant losing his bf and possibly his cheating wife. I never admitted to the wife or the bf that I knew of their affair, I am sure they would deny it. I had suspected before I was told and to this day, I don't believe it ever ended.

Hopefully, this group you are dealing with does not have a similar past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 8:18pm
Actually this was one of my worst fears in the back of my mind that maybe they were having an affair before I came along and that I disrupted that, or at some point. Unfortunately I brought all this to my boyfriend when I was drunk and we ended up fighting, we didnt talk for a few days and we've talked things through, since then he makes the extra effort to show me he's with ME, Im not sure what has happened, becasue we work together I found out that some people seem to think that she's slitghtly obsessed with him,I think she has a hard time coping with him having another female in his life. Anyhow she's now trying really hard to be friends with me she even said I was her only friend, which was a surprise to me. I have no intention of ever trusting her or being the best of friends with her as a matter of fact no matter how nice she is to me, I still feel really uncomfortable when she's around. Thank You for your advice it makes feel good to know Im not being just paranoid. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 8:26pm
I know what you mean the last thing I want to do is make him feel stuck in the middle and thats exactly how he was feeling. We have since then talked about this and Im not sure if he talked to her or if somebody else did,because people were starting to notice she was interfering in the relationship. She's trying to be so much nicer to me now,its just hard to know if its genuine, however, I gotta make the best of things right, so Ive decided to get along with her but always keep my guard up. I really cant decide if she's being overprotective of him or if she has a secret crush on him.