The best way to handle this

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
The best way to handle this
2
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:00pm
I had been seeing a guy for the last three years not really going anywhere but an occassional event but just getting together weekly... A pattern from the beginning was every few months after seeing me weekly he would stop abruptly and NOT see me for a few months but maintaining phone contact.. Usually his excuse was something like his being depressed or having back problems.. I finally asked him about this to which he said he would someday be moving out of state (which I knew) and didn't want to be encumbered with me....or anyone.After confronting him with this pattern ..now for four months I have not been able to reach him .. I believe he has gone out of state but feel hurt that I apparently mattered so little to him that he never even told me he was going.. I have left repeated messages on his phone and do believe he is not in town.. I feel so shattered... I am not a little kid but a 40 something woman fresh out of a 22year marriage and his friendship meant a lot to me..We share the same hobby so I should run in to him somewhere and I am not sure how to handle this.. We were not committed but I feel very unimportant that he hasn't even tried to contact me( even tho he never had my phone number his reason being cuz I lived with my kids... I don't want to act like an irate wife or a left girlfriend...After leaving one abusive marriage I had hoped things would be different but I feel used and abused...........Help me please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 2:15pm
So you had a booty call that told you specifically there was no emotional bond, there was no desire for more contact or involvement, he never wanted your number....basically you two would meet up at YOUR? instigation and have sex and then part company - seeing each other while pursuing this same hobby...and you feel "used"?

Why - sex is just physical gratification. He told you outright he didn't want investment, involvement, commitment, or obligation - he certainly gave no indication that he thought he was entering into any of that based on his behvior that you've related.

it was about getting laid and that was it. There's nothing wrong with that - just accept it for what it was.

If you're wanting to be dated....then you have to "date". And if you're wanting a relationship - you do need todate people that share your values, ideas, interests, and standards and they have to want a relationship, as well.

If you're wanting to get laid - you figured out how to do it. Pursue sex, make yourself available, require nothing but "get sex".

Why would you have thought you meant more to him than just sex? YOu two did not go anywhere together as a couple, you saw one another at a share interest venue. But you two didn't really talk - he didn't have your number. Yo two didn't really share ideas, opnions, or perceptions of life - you didn't spend time together doing it.

So really, the guy doesn't know you except superficially, externally and biblically - why would he call to say goodbye if indeed, what he has done is move out of state - rather than just be doing whatever it is he does when he's not sleeping with you.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 4:43pm
Hon, get a hold of your dignity now. There's no point in calling him anymore or waiting for him to contact you. This was not a "relationship" that you could depend on, and you knew that from his past disappearances. Real friends would not do that to each other.

You were fresh out of a long marriage, so perhaps you were vulnerable and a lot out of practice when you started this arrangement with this man. But you know, when you allow a man to see you weekly just for sex, that's all you should expect.

He probably thought you two had a very casual relationship. But then you showed signs of getting "involved." So, he stops communicating altogether. He doesn't want to think of you as someone he has to check in with or even say goodbye to. He doesn't even want to think of you as a "friend." Your weekly arrangement was strictly for no-strings sex.

Women have a very difficult time maintaining these FWB relationships. We get attached... we have a hard time understanding how a man can be intimate on a regular basis and have a great time with us and not want a full-fledged relationship! Well, that seems to be a basic difference between the sexes.

The best way to handle this is to erase him from your phone book, email, etc, and forget about him. It was what it was, while it lasted. Try to think of this FWB situation as an "experiment" that you probably don't need to try again because you're not comfortable with it.