bf lacks relationship experience
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bf lacks relationship experience
| Mon, 10-09-2006 - 6:04pm |
Edited due to length and details.
Basically, bf in his 40's, lacks relationship experience, has been hurt badly in the past, workaholic, often pulled away when each time we got closer, seemed insecure at times, BUT I was also insecure sometimes due to his pulling away.... though I thought we had some good basics, and potential...
I guess what I need insight on is about guys who lack experience in relationships....in my heart, I know he wants a relationship...but i dont' know if it's w/ me; or if he has a clue what to do; or if he fears getting hurt so much, it's holding him back....please help!
Much thanks!
zjaney
Edited 10/25/2006 9:05 pm ET by zjaney

zjaney...
PG isn't going to comment on EVERYTHING you've written. .
However...here's my 'take' on your situation.
If a man has been hurt badly enough in an earlier relationship, the likelihood of his desire to "try again for a possible 2nd bad relationship" is damn near impossible!
This doesn't mean you can't 'bring him around' and make him more comfortable about being with you LONG-TERM. But the challenge WON'T be an easy one for you. And since the two of you are in your 40s...the man is going to be more reluctant to take on a permanant partner than he was in his 20s or 30s. .
In any relationship...BOTH HALVES HAVE TO WANT TO WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE IT LAST! You're obviously not afraid...but the man you're in love with IS! Which means...you can either do everything you can think of to try and keep things going...or come to the reality that there's NO REAL FUTURE for the 2 of you.
Sorry I can't be more optomistic.
Pianoguy
Thanks for the reply.
He says he wants a relationship and he hopes he's not too set in his ways.
He definitely has "set-up" his life as a single person, very involved in work and volunteer activities to keep him occupied. Sometimes he truly is so busy, he does not have extra time, meaning relationship time.
Unfortunately, I'm starting to accept the reality of the situation - -his pulling away just leaves me more insecure. I get guys need the cave and the rubber band thing, it just happens alot here, probably because I'm not sure he's secure enough to come back (as he's said he thought I would be mad and not want to talk w/ him).
Sometimes, I don't think he knows what or how to have a relationship...but other times he seems right on target.
Edited 10/9/2006 11:47 pm ET by zjaney
Edited 10/25/2006 9:08 pm ET by zjaney
Thank you your POV. It's been a hectic couple of weeks for me, personally and in this relationship.
He bacially completely pulled away...has been very busy, stressed out from work (including an accidentaly death of a co-worker), and has been sick. He did not initiate any contact w/ me for the past couple of weeks, I sent a card, texted a couple of times, and left messages twice - he did return my phone calls.
Last message I left the other day, I set my boundary that I care and have a lot of feelings for him, but he's shutting me out - he needs to contact me, I'm not calling anymore. He called that night - basically he's been stressed out, no energy, very busy (all true) and feels he can't give me what I need. I told him what I need from him when he needs to pull away and is busy (occcasional phone calls, I know we can't see each other all the time). He told me he needs to get his energy back.
Anyway, I did not plan to contact him, leave the next move up to him. Well, today I got the old "it's not you, it's me" email. Basically, he feels he doesn't know how to be in a relationship - his job is his life - can't give me what I need - I deserve more - someone better than him - therefore, he doesn't think he's the one for me - he's sorry...blah, blah, blah....
I plan to wait a couple of days, to sort through how I feel before I respond to his email so I can say what I really what to say, even if it's just ok, good luck, or who knows at this point.
This sucks. Even though over the past week I've come to accept that he needs to deal w/ his stuff, potential is just potential, I've held back too in this relationship, and I think it is nearing it's end and needs to end, unless we both put everything on the table, insecurities and all. Anyway, it just stinks.
This has been such a weird relationship. When a guy says "I'm not the one for you"...I know he means "you're not the one for me"..... but the way this all has played out...it's just weird .... sometimes it really didn't seem like he knew what to do, though he came through alot, but he may be insecure, afraid, NOT Into Me, or depressed...who knows...and does it matter??? No, it really doesn't, does it? Too bad he's such a good guy...
Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated!
Thanks!
zjaney