BF wants a baby!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
BF wants a baby!
7
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:13am
I have been dating my boyfried for a little over 5 months. He is wonderful in every way, and we are crazy in love with each other. The other night he told me that he wants a baby, not in the future but now. I told him that I would love to have a child with him but that I preferred to be married first. He asked me if I was ready for marriage and I told him that I personally was ready but I didn't know if we were ready for that yet. He responded with "I love you and want to marry you, just not for a long time." I know that marriage is just a piece of paper, but having a child together is a huge step, there is no turning back. Why would he want a baby and not marriage? When I asked him about his choice of waiting a really long time, he said its not easy to get married, and that when I was 100% sure we would get married. How should I interpret this???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rls1303
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:16am
I wouldn't have a baby with a man I've only been with for 5 months. GOod lord. And if you want to be married before you have children, then don't compromise those values because he's committment phobic.

Getting married puts responsibilities on him, having a child really doesn't, if he wants he could leave and you would raise the baby and he'd only really have to contribute financially, if you were married, he'd have to help with the baby and have more responsibilities financially etc.

This would be a huge red flag with this relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: rls1303
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:23am
Red flag!

He wants to be a father, but not a husband. He wants to have a child with someone he is not certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with - possibly leaving the child in a single-parent home. Weird! It would be one thing for him to talk of having children with you in the future, but now? When he doesn't know you that well?

I don't know what he means about it not being easy to get married. It's not easy raising a child either! I would wonder about how serious he is about being a father, if he's in it for the bad times as well as the good, etc. If you two do have a child together, then you will be a part of each others lives for a long time, if only through the child.



If I were you, I would think about it this way - are you willing and able (financially, emotionally, mentally, etc.) to have and raise a child on your own? B/c if he is so gun-shy of marriage, I suspect that might be how things end up.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rls1303
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:32am
I think it is clear that his desire for a child is from a selfish perspective only - "I want" as opposed to what is in the best interests of the child. The best interests of the child - and this is common knowledge - is, if at all possible, to at least start out with two married parents who have a stable, healthy relationship - sometimes this doesn't work out - there is divorce, death, etc and yes there are some accidents as well where abortion is not a real option or adoption, I guess but to have a baby knowing that you have no idea whether you want to marry the other parent, to me is transparently selfish and self absorbed and potentially very harmful to the child.

I would not want to date a person with values like his - if you want to continue dating him you must (!!) go on the pill immediately since he will probably try not to use adequate protection - please think of this from the perspective of a child - doesn't he/she deserve at least a shot at two married parents in a stable home environment? Ask yourself why he doesn't believe that and think about whether he has the sort of values you would want to pass on to your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: rls1303
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:40am
He sounds immature and irresponsible.

Most people who want to have a baby would find someone they want to commit the rest of their lives to, save money, buy a home, save more money and THEN have a baby. It sounds like he wants the desert without eating his meal first. When the baby comes and reality hits that it is a lot of hard work, he's likely to skip out. Of course, with hard work comes rewards, but he seems to want to skip doing the hard (smart) things so why would it be different.

Raising a baby is hard even when doing it with someone you love. But things get really tough financially for both parents when they aren't living together and need to support separate lives and the baby. Parenting together when you are not living together and love each other is not something you should wish for - but it is what you'd be headed for if you have a baby with this guy.

Imagine yourself scraping money together to see an attorney to fight for child support and having to get a private investigator to track down where he is working since he switched jobs and didn't tell you - and then having to see him every week when he came to pick up your child and fighting over having to go to court - and then getting a notice in the mail that he is fighting for custody of your child (and you know he loves his child but that this is also his way of not paying you child support) - and looking at your child, so helpless and innocent and having no concept of what it is like to have two parents who are committed and worked together to build a life together before they brought a child into the world.

You can try and tell yourself it will work out, but the odds are not in your favor. I'd dump him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
In reply to: rls1303
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:22pm
You would be crazy to agree to have a child with him without him marrying you first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: rls1303
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:53pm
"You would be crazy to agree to have a child with him without him marrying you first."

For the record, I think she'd be crazy to marry him too... just in case he comes back with a proposal after she refused the unwedded pregnancy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: rls1303
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:23pm
GET MARRIED FIRST! GET A RESPONSIBLE MAN IN YOUR LIFE! YOU ARE WIFE MATERIAL NOT BABY MAMA! PLEASE WAIT AND DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR STANDARDS!