BF Wants Me to Meet His Ex!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
BF Wants Me to Meet His Ex!!
9
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:52pm
MY boyfriend is still friends with a girl he dated for about 4-6 weeks a few years ago. They aren't great friends, but they play golf, or go to dinner occasionally. She's now dating someone new & wants the 4 of us to go to dinner. I've already told him that the whole thing makes me uncomfortable b/c : (1) he's had sex with her & (2) when he & his last GF were having problems, he showed up at the firend's house drunk on New Year's Eve. He said that she wasn't home, & nothing would have happened anyway b/c "she wouldn't have allowed it" - not that he didn't want it. I know he loves me & wouldn't cheat on me, but how do I get through to him that I don't want to meet her & I really am uncomfortable with him hanging out with her without sounding like a total B****?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 4:03pm
This is a most difficult situation. I give you credit for dating the guy. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of double dating, then don't do it, for all the reasons you mentioned above. If he has a problem with it, then the relationship could suffer, but then that would indicate that he was not right for you anyway. What happens if you have a fight? Does he run off to go talk to her in the middle of the night? If he doesn't consider your feelings you are better off without him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 4:44pm

Honestly, I don't see that there is a way to say this without coming across as an inscecure, jealous b****.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:40pm
In addition, your post reminded me of a New Year's Eve about 5 years ago. I was at a party and my purse was in a room for the evening. When I got home from the party I saw that I missed a call from a doctor - my cell was in my purse. I was a drug rep at the time and I thought that he must have been drunk and dialed the wrong number or had me on speed dial and hit the wrong key so I did not return his call. Well, when it was time for my sales call rotation to be back in his office I asked him how his New Year's Eve was...and he didn't speak to me. I knew that he had been married at a young age now many years and 3 children later...I guess he was itching for an affair. I didn't realize that he needed to speak to me on New Year's Eve for a personal reason. WBut it took a while for him to be back to his old self with me. I'm realizing that his call did not have innocent intentions. That went right over my head back then. What did he think I was going to do...have him come over my house...when he's married?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 12:50am
Hm okay don't feel bad girl. You shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable doing.
You are totally in the right here, in my opinion.
Avatar for k3of3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 9:25am

Ditto to everything Vexer said.

I have remained friends with quite a few guys I've dated in the past... and slept with... and still hang out with on occasion. In fact, I consider one of my best male friends to fall into that category. He invites me to hang out with him and his new girlfriend ALL of the time... and if I had a bf I'm sure we'd double on occasion.

Your problem with this situation is a trust issue, pure and simple. Clearly your boyfriend cares about you a ton and clearly he is "over" his ex or he wouldn't bother introducing you in the first place!!! Plus, they only dated a couple months! We're not talking a LTR here. If your boyfriend had *any* remaining bf/gf type feelings for his ex, there is no way he'd bother introducing ya'll. He'd continue hanging out with her on his own time and enjoying the dynamic without your presence.

The fact that he has remained friends with this girl is *your* issue, not his. You feel threatened and, while I can appreciate that, you really need to examine why. I actually think it's awesome that your bf wants to introduce you. He is making a concerted effort to include you in his life and to introduce you to his friends. It's almost a darned-if-you-do-darned-if-you-don't situation. Would you rather be posting weeks down the line expressing frustration with the fact that he excludes you and refuses to introduce you? I'd take this situation any ol' day.

I think Vexer also made a good point about meeting the girl. You keep referring to her as "his ex," but in reality she is a friend. That's the first obstacle you need to overcome. They are friends. He is with you now, not her; and she is with someone else. It's not like they are pining after each other. You've built up an image of this woman in your head that is so threatening it could damage the relationship you have with your bf. Meet her. I'll bet she's not nearly as scary and threatening as you think she is. My guess is that you'll feel much better about things if you at least meet her once. Why not? The demons in your head are going to be worse than reality. And who knows. You might actually LIKE the girl and become friends.

Personally, I think your boyfriend sounds like an awesome guy. The fact that his ex girlfriends still consider him a friend speaks volumes for his character. Sounds to me like you're lucky to have him...




Edited 6/4/2007 10:05 am ET by k3of3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 10:39am

You don't sound like a b****. Especially since he showed up at her house drunk last New Year's Eve.

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 10:46am

Hi wondering,

I say if you're not comfortable with it, don't do it. Your BF shouldn't pressure you to do it, nor should you feel that you have "trust" or "jealousy" issues.

Frankly, I don't want to go to dinner with a man's past lover and imagine them having sex all night. Sorry, just can't do it.

The fact that he went to her house when he was drunk on NYE...please, what was that about? I'm not saying he's necessarily trying to get something going with her sexually, but the NYE thing sounds a little suspicious to me.

And if they aren't such good friends anyway, why would he want to force her down your throat? Sounds like he needs to get some male buddies to go play golf with. I think you've been very tolerant knowing he sees her on occassion. But like you, I feel uncomfortable with a BF who sees old girlfriends regularly. I had a BF once who had quite a few ex-GFs, and it was like he had this little fan club that follwed him around and kept in touch with him. Make me sick.

On the other hand, I think it's fine if all parties concerned feel comfortable with getting together and ex-lovers getting together without current lovers.

Does he see just her, or are there other ex-GFs that he gets together with?

I think you just say to him you feel uncomfrotable with it. It doesn't have to be about trust or jealousy, you just don't feel comfortable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 2:46pm
You know, when I read your post, I remembered a conversation I had with someone once who stated that, in a similar scenario, the BF really wanted to do some partner swapping or some group sex and that is why he was insistent upon everyone meeting and liking each other...so...you never know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 2:59pm
"I had a BF once who had quite a few ex-GFs, and it was like he had this little fan club that follwed him around and kept in touch with him. Make me sick." -- aint it the truth? hehehe. Guys like that like to keep a harem of admirers for many purposes.