bfrnd of 11/2 yrs..now friends?
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bfrnd of 11/2 yrs..now friends?
| Tue, 02-14-2006 - 4:47pm |
I have been involved in a loving relationship w/a man that's 22. I am 24 years old and we live in separate states, soon to be separate coasts. (During our relationship we saw each other once to twice/month for 3 days at a time) We have agreed to end the relationship and maybe pursue it years later when we are both more experienced in love and relationships. We have also agreed to try to become friends and talk about everything to better understand where we are emotionally and help each other solidify our friendship. Although this sounds mature and like a good plan it's so painful. A week ago, we saw each other again after three months and it was magical, we both agree. Our chemistry and friendship is undeniable, it's hot. But, it just makes the friendship situation so much more difficult. I dont want to avoid him but i feel like it's the only way for me to pull out of this w/out crying everynight. Two nights ago, i called him to talk, it was late. Long story short, he lied to me about being on the phone with his grandmother. I called him out on it and he said, I love you too much, please let me call you back tomorrow. And as I was saying goodnight, I heard a girl calling out for him, in his appartment. I know he had sex with her. I dont mind that he has sex with women, b/c am not there and we are trying to be friends, i see it as a release. But this girl I know of her from previous conversations, they have dated a few times and now were consumating the relationship. I have turned into moosh. I am physically ill and cry at any moment in time. I refuse to become depressed but I just cannot stomach his ability to hang out with another woman and say he loves me so much. I am so confused. I dont know if I should fight? or If i should just dissappear? I want to dissappear, I dont want to talk to him b/c i feel hurt...almost cheated. I know some of my feelings are irrational, but I cannot help myself think of their time together as I sit here w/out my valentine. Please advise me. I dont want to lose him, but I cant live thinking about him and his other amorous relationships. Thank you.

Basically, I think he's always thought of this as friends with benefits....while you've been saying "the only reason we're not committed is distance".
You're now finding out that is not true.
He's your friend....he'd be your lover still, but not exclusively now due to distance.
You want a relationship of commitment and mutual desire for a future - so until you're past that you need to stop "trying to act like this doesn't hurt".
You can always resume a friendship...but you can't get back the time and energy you waste trying to deny the facts.
All this time, you've denied what you want......and used facts to justify how it is. You're now coming face to face with the fact that what you want all this time, is the reality....and you've been committed and exclusive with him working for a future - that you're now is assured will not ever be.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Big hugs...
What you have to focus on is what is, not what was or what could be. All that matters is that you guys are broken up. Personally, I would take time apart from one another so you can become ok with him seeing other women, etc. It may be very possible that he still loves you. But sometimes love isn't enough. Love without commitment is like an idea without a plan. It sounds good but never really happens, you know?
I would suggest taking some time away from him and just spending time with yourself. You deserve to be happy to and if a relationship (whether it be friendship or other) is hurting you, then you should not have it in your life.
Hope this helps.
Kerry
"Love without commitment is like an idea without a plan. It sounds good but never really happens, you know?"
Wow...truer words never spoken, bklynchik! Thanks. (I'm currently feeling so bad for some of my friends who have been in noncommitted relationships, cohabitating for years on end, only to be abandoned as they approach middle age.)