BF's Ex-does she still want him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
BF's Ex-does she still want him?
8
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 3:35pm

Hi,

I'm new and I've been wondering about this since February. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 15 months. We are in a LDR, but we see eachother about once every 5-6 weeks - either me going down to see him or him coming up to see me.

Before we got together, he was dating his ex-gf for almost 2 years before he broke up with her in December 2005. He said they fought a lot and that she was immature. He told me that one time, she started some argument with him and that he felt like he was having a heartache. They broke up once before and he got back together with her thinking she had changed and matured.

She still contacts him (she either emails him or texts him...he told her that's the most contact he wants with her). The last time was in February right before Valentine's Day. She emailed him telling him how well she's doing in grad school, and etc...pretty much boasting about herself. I get this sense that she still has feelings for him, and if given the chance, she'd like to get back together with him. It's been 1 1/2 years since they broke up.

What do you think? Am I overreacting and just thinking too much about this? I've talked to my BF about it and he says I have nothing to worry about because he would never go back to her. He says this is the best relationship he's ever been in and he's much happier with me than he was with her.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 4:38pm

YES - you are overreacting and thinking too much about this.

Here's a key thing - He can never control her choice of actions, all he can control is his response. Considering how he has responded to her, what exactly has he done wrong here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 5:39pm
How is he responding to her? Has he told her he does not want her to contact him anymore?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 10:09am

cl-bklynchik is on the money. What he has done wrong, in addressing spice.man's statement is that he hasn't told her to bug off. He obviously likes the attention and can't be hurting too much inthe heart area because if he really was that disgusted by her, he wouldn't want the messages. Keep in mind one thing about men...their egos, their need for attention and their ability to manipulate your feelings mean more to them than you do.

As far as the ex goes - sure, she may want him - why bother being in communication with him? Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances as to why two people are in communication and love may have nothing to do with it, because that has happened to me and the last thing I wanted from them was love. But I can see how a GF might think differently.

If you can overlook his flaw of needing this attention at your expense, then stick with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 10:50am

Thanks for your responses and advice.

I'm just concerned that he is willing to remain in contact with her via email and texts. From what he's said, he doesn't want to hurt her anymore, which makes me wondier if he even told her that he's in a relationship with me. He's told me that if she were to show up unannounced, he'd go out to lunch with her (she almost did this last summer).

He hasn't mentioned that she's contacted him since February, but it may be him not wanting to tell me and hurt me. However, the not knowing makes it worse because then I wonder why he's not telling me and what is she saying to him.

I don't know, I should talk to him again, but when we talked last time, he said I was overreacting.

Thanks again for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:47pm

I don't mean to be blunt, but this relationship is not healthy for you. If he is telling you that you are overreacting to his communication and potential lunches with the ex, for no reason other than to get together, then you two do not possess the same values.

He needs someone who doesnt see this the way that you do. And you need and deserve someone who will respect your feelings - because when some tells you you are "overreacting" they are not validating your feelings, thus they do not respect you.

If you continue with this relationship, you will become very insecure and may start snooping on him and question him to the point that you lose yourself. NO man is worth losing yourself over. Alot of guys these days are trying to drive women nuts with lies, seeing exes for the hell of it, and making sure she questions his every move. It's a nice game they are playing with our hearts - it is being done on purpose. As far as I am concerned...they can keep their precious selves. They obviously don't need love or anything that resembles it. Sure, there are some great guys out there, but few and far between.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 8:07pm
His last contact with her was in Feb. It's May - why is this a worry?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 12:46pm

Apparently, she emailed a few weeks ago, and has been emailing him about once every few weeks. He told me when we talked yesterday. He says he hasn't responded to the latest one, but he also said he hasn't told her about me because he doesn't want to hurt her. But he did say if she says anything about wanting to get back together or that she still loves him, then he'd tell her about me. He also said I have nothing to worry about because he would never get back together with her.

I trust him with other women, but I wonder what her motives are for continuing to contact him - does she think there's still a chance for them. To me, the fact that he hasn't told her he's moved on and is still staying in contact seems to encourage her actions and whatever she might be thinking.

Other than this issue, we have a great relationship. We talk everyday and we see eachother about once a month. I should probably not overthink things too much and worry about things I can't control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 6:55pm
Hate to say it but the fact that he's allowing the contact and mentioning NOTHING about you worries me. That's just me though, I could be totally off here... But if a guy really was worried about your feelings I don't think he'd be telling you to not worry and be so worried about the ex's feelings as opposed to yours... sorry!