Bipolar Disorder-How soon do I tell him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Bipolar Disorder-How soon do I tell him?
6
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 2:03pm
I am a 55 year old divorced woman, told I look 47, and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1999. (Remember the Jane Pauley story?) I have successfully found the right combination of medications, and have been symptom free for two years. The only problem is that the meds require an afternoon nap, and my night sleep schedule needs to be predictable and fairly early. I do not drink alcohol, but many men my age don't drink either. I have met several gentlemen through the internet, and I find that if I don't tell them about my condition I am making excuses for my schedule. On the other hand, I would like the gentleman see me for at least a couple of weeks functioning normally so that the news will not be scary. One therapist told me that I shouldn't tell a partner about my condition until engagement or moving in together is at hand. I disagree with this and consider it lying. So, what is your take on this? I have a lot to offer a man despite this disability. The last relationship ended abruptly when I waited ten days after meeting this man to tell him. He considered my condition something so important that I should have told him before he started to think of us as a long term couple. I felt this was unfair, but maybe he had a point. I need guidance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 3:45pm
I think that you should be upfront with him right off--don't bring it up during the first couple of dates but soon after i would mention it. and if he cant accept the fact that you are bipolar then you should consider yourself lucky that you didnt waste anymore time on him. By the same token I feel it's unfair to hide this issue from him for anymore than a few dates. It sounds like the guy that you waited until after 10dates to tell was a real jerk-be glad he's no longer in your life-he did you a favor. One question: Did the bipolar disorder have anything to do with your first marriage ending? If it did was that when you got help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 4:27pm
Thank you confused2005. I believe that I was undiagnosed most of my life. I was treated for depression starting in the early 1980's. What some people don't know is that anit-depressants will actually cause a manic episode to develop. So, I went on and off anit-depressants for all those years, using alcohol to self-medicate. This resulted in some fairly erratic behavior and a divorce in 1985. I remarried (foolishly) in 1988 to a man who cheated on me for most of the ten years. The divorce was so bitter and protracted, thanks to him, that I believe the stress of it and a very stressful job caused me to need hospitalization for "depression". It was only when the health care professionals could see me day in and day out that I was finally diagnosed. It was actually a relief, because then I could get started on the right medications. It took awhile through trial and error, but I'm stable now. My ups are like those of "normal" people, and my "downs" are due to actual events or conditions. I no longer obsess about what I did while I was really sick, and for the most part my friends and family understand all of it now. I did experience a couple of losses through things I said when in a manic state, and have apologized, tried to educate these people about bipolar, but for them the damage was too much. I have had a few relationships that have lasted for several months, but I do not believe that my condition caused the breakup. While I worked on helping myself get well, I also discovered what I need from a relationship and what I can contribute. I also know if someone is "just not that into me" and I don't waste time staying in an unsatisfying relationship. Perhaps in this area I am healthier than most. And I did not shed one tear when the 10 date guy couldn't accept it. I agree with you that it should be brought up earlier, and that 10 dates was probably too long. I've toughened up, knowing that whenever I tell a potential partner about my bipolar, he might go running, and that's okay. The biggest problem is how little most people know about this condition--that it's just a chemical imbalance not unlike diabetes, and compliance with treatment results in a nearly normal life. Abnormal is the need for a predictable schedule of sleep and no alcohol, ever. I appreciate your input!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:01am
Hi

It's not blind date cocktail party chatter but it is something you need to say relatively early on - hopefully before you get truly intimate. So my advice is feel comfortable together before you divulge this but don't wait too long.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:04am
Sadly, I can empathize with your situation as I too am bipolar. I was hospitalized at 19 for severe depression, suicidal attempts and ideations and was eventually diagnosed as bipolar as well. It really isn't that surprising considering my father is also bipolar. I wouldn't tell someone that I was casually dating but I would tell them before we actually became a couple. I wanted them to know what they were getting into. I don't feel there is really a time frame, it just depends on how quickly the relationship progresses and what each of you is looking for in the relationship. It has been a while since I had to do this, as I have been with this guy for 2 and a half years but I do remember what a difficult conversation that can be. I would like to wish the best of luck, with this and everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 7:35pm
I have to agree with a couple of the others here that said that telling him the sooner the better. I too am bipolar, and told my now boyfriend this very early in our relationship. I wanted to lay it out on the table and let him decide if he was in or out. I didn't think it was fair for him to not know what he was getting himself into, as I am not always the easiest person to understand...I'm on meds, but my moods still go wacky sometimes. I tried to present it in a way that wouldn't sound like I was crazy or that would scare him about things, but I felt that he should know. He was very willing to try things out at least, which I was happy about, and has since really been very understanding about things. We have been together for two years now. Until recently, we have not had any problems (see my post: need help communicating w/ bf), and those that we have now are not related to the bipolar. I wish you luck, and I do think that it is important to get things out in the open as soon as possible, because it is something that affects people around you, and not just yourself.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 8:20pm
I don't think this is a first or second date conversation, but it's also not a wait until you're engaged conversation! I dated someone who was on anti-depressants and he told me around the time we were deciding to date exclusively (so we'd probably been going out for about 4-5 weeks at the time). That felt fine to me...I certainly didn't feel he'd been hiding something. I'm in recovery (alcohol) and I don't tell people I date that right away either (unless they ask why I'm not drinking).

I think the 10 day guy was unreasonable. If he was starting to think of you as a "long term couple" after a mere 10 days, then all is not right with him anyway!!!

Sheri