Birthday went basically ignored!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Birthday went basically ignored!!
6
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 8:44pm

Ok here I go again, havent been on much lately. But I need to vent!! Ive been dating this guy for 10 months. Lately I think of ending it, even though I have feelings for him, because I see so many things wrong, and I dont think Ill ever have a committment from him. His idea and my idea of committment are two different things. Hard part is letting go because of my feelings, but Im attempting to slowly detach.

Well Wednesday was my Birthday. He couldnt see me because he was working and I really wanted to celebrate it with my kids. Anyway, he did call me at 6am to say Happy Birthday. But when he came down today to take me to lunch, there was no gift.

Now Im not a shallow person, or materialistic, but I was a bit hurt and disappointed that he gave me nothing. Not a card... nothing.

Am I wrong here? Would a card or flowers have been too much to expect? I dont think so!!

So what do I do? Kind of hard to say, gee thanks for not getting me anything for my birthday!! I havent dated for many many years. Im divorced and was married for 21 years. If the husband did that i could ream his butt!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 9:21pm

Just matters how you feel.

I'd wait a couple of days. First because a gift could come later and then I'd look like a complete idiot, and second I would want to cool down and think about it. If I still felt it was important, I'd keep the emphasis off him/me, as I don't know why he didn't and my first goal would be to find out why (some people don't believe in gift giving). After that I would have the opportunity to share my feelings and thoughts on the matter.

Cheryl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 6:17am

Cheryl,

Thanks for the advice! You know its strange with him, we have the most wonderful times together, laugh like hell, lend each other an ear or a shoulder to cry on, yet theres all these little things that he doesnt do that drives me crazy!

But as someone else on these boards told me.......you cant change a person, you accept them for who they are or you just walk away. Ive been in limbo lately about wether to stay or go and I suppose I set myself up on my birthday to see if I would get a sign as to what I should do.

In my 21 years of marriage there was a long span where my ex and I stopped doing gifts. We just spent time together on birthdays and did something fun!! Maybe thats whats happening here too.

I have to give him credit though, he was the first one in my life to wish me a Happy Birthday! He called me at 6 am that morning as I was getting out of bed for work. So maybe that in itself says something, or sends that "sign" I was looking for!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 8:48pm
If any girl had ever once even acknowledged my birthday, I would have died from shock.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 5:56pm

I think your birthday was basically over in his mind, hon. It was the day after, after all. Maybe he thought there was no need to give you a card or gift after the fact. You're probably right that he considered that his early morning phone call WAS your gift. But I can totally relate to how disappointed you were. I'm not materialistic either, but birthdays and holidays are very important to me. I don't ask for much of ANYTHING from my boyfriend (except love and respect), so I really look forward to being acknowledged in tangible ways on special days.

In the future, you might try to make arrangements to celebrate with your boyfriend BEFORE the special day, when you know you're not going to be able to be together on your birthday, or Christmas or Valentine's Day. If he shows up empty handed, I would conclude that he's either terribly insensitive, isn't taking me seriously, or just cheap. And I don't stay in relationships with men who are any of the above. But that's just me.

It sounds like your bigger issue is whether you should remain with this particular man at all. If you're spending more time being dissatisfied and disappointed, and wondering WHY you stay with this guy, it's probably time to cut the ties. Of course it won't be easy... just because you have feelings for someone doesn't mean he's right for you. But the longer you put it off, the longer you're in a dead-end relationship, and the farther away you are from finding someone who truly is on the same page with you and the life you want.

Take care, and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:39am

Jilly73,

Thanks for the response. You wrote:

"I think your birthday was basically over in his mind, hon. It was the day after, after all. Maybe he thought there was no need to give you a card or gift after the fact"

I have to tell you, I actually laughed at that because why is it that it may be so true?
Why is it that SOME men think theres a statute of limitations on things like that???

Anyway just to update, I told him how I felt about it, and that it never had to be something material. To me just doing something nice for me, or spending sometime together would have been perfect!! I dont look for gifts from anyone, even my kids, I always tell them a kiss and a hug is all I need!! I guess everyone looks at things differently in this world, for him I know Christmas is big and thats about it.

As far as my bigger issues with the relationship, your right they are there. I think at times he has a committment phob issue, and Ive realized that I need some more "healing" time to deal with my past, my divorce. I jumped in way too quick with this and should have taken more time to work on me. So we're talking and Im spending more time by myself getting rid of those ghosts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 10:00pm
Ten months and he doesn't even give you a birthday card - and you see SO MANY things wrong. It's better to cut the cord sooner vs later and find someone who can treat you the way you deserve.
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