blown off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
blown off?
8
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 7:58am
I've been dating this guy for 2+ months. We see eachother at least once a week, normally on the weekend, and talk about every 3-4 days. When I do see him we go out to dinner, drinks, I've met some of his friends and we have a great time. We have great conversation and flirt like mad! There is some distance between us, I mean geography. He lives about 40-45 mins away. This doesn't bother me, but he's made some comments about me not living nearby. So here is my problem... & I need an unbiased opinion, my friends would either have me call it off or stalk him and I'm neither of those types of girls. I would like to talk to and see him more, but don't want to be pushy. I know he has his own life and I'm not necessarily a priority now. He has things going on, his own life, his grandfather is sick, his work, etc...

It seems like I usually make all the effort when it comes to us getting together. Once in a while I will send him a text message, just to let him know I'm thinking about him, normally something simple and random, nothing serious. He's never text message back, normally calls whenever. He's the type that say's "I'll call you later" and 3-4 days go by and I'm wondering if he's still interested?? Well, this past Friday we went to dinner had drinks, I stayed over and we did lunch the next day. Before I left I gave him some options, its a holiday weekend and there's alot to do where I live. He sounded very interested and told me he'll definitely call me, he promised not 3 days later-promise. A day later I hear from him... in a text message... "something came up, I'm not going to make it down." Now, today, it's been 4 days and that's all I got. Am I being blown off????

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihappygolucky
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:11am
Well, maybe not "blown off" completely, but it sounds like he's dating other people. Have you had a talk about dating exclusively or is that still an open issue?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
In reply to: ihappygolucky
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:20am
Seems like there are just too many guys around like this. I am just out of a 'relationship' just like this. He never seemed to make the effort to contact me. It was always the other way around. I felt like I was constantly chasing him. It messed with my head so much! Then he turned around one day and told me he'd met someone he'd like a REAL relationship with... (Nice!!)

So here's what I think. Don't chase so hard. If he's not interested, just let him go and find someone worthy of your attention. Ignore him. If he wants you, he'll let you know, otherwise, (i'm sorry if this is hurtful) he is just using you for sex. Trust me for that... Since finding this amazing woman, my ex has slept with me twice (cringes in humilation) I know full well that he is using me.

The hardest thing is to be strong about it. That was my huge problem. Which is obviously still there. Guys like this are just good at hurting people.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
In reply to: ihappygolucky
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:41am
No, I don't want to be pushy! But, I guess that is the next thing that I have to do.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihappygolucky
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:01am
Pushy? How on earth is is "pushy" to want to know if you're exclusive after two months of dating? If I'm sleeping with someone (and it sounds like you are), I want to know what the deal is with him dating and/or sleeping with other people!

However, since you haven't had that discussion and therefore haven't reached an agreement on that topic, I'd assume that he is dating others and that's why you didn't see him this weekend. Generally, I find it works best for me to bring up the topics of exclusivity and monogamy before I get sexually involved with someone. You need to decide what you're comfortable with and go with that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: ihappygolucky
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:05am
Doesn't sound like you're too much of a priority. He's already made comments on how hard it is to see you since you live 45 mins away. That is a sign- he's already got the excuses going. I wouldn't bother chasing him, if he's interested, let him show it. Go out and find someone else to date, do stuff with friends. The more you sit around hoping he'll call, the more upset you'll be when he doesn't.

And no more text messaging him.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
In reply to: ihappygolucky
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:10am
I did see him Friday and spent most of Saturday w/ him. And about being exclusive... that's where the problem lies. There are "specific" things that lead me to believe I'm the only one he's sleeping w/, but I'm not definite and he may be seeing/dating others. Or he's not ready to commit, just got out of a relationship, etc... These are questions I need to ask!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihappygolucky
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:18am
Yes, you do. Exclusivity and monogamy cannot be assumed, they have to be specifically discussed and agreed to.

I'm currently in a situation that is uncomfortable for me because I put aside my usual rule of thumb about specifically agreeing to be exclusive and monogamous before sleeping with someone. We're long-distance, so I decided to make an exception and be ok with just an agreement to be monogamous but not exclusive, and now it's coming back to bite me. So, my advice to you is, once you decide what your bottom line is, stick to it! I wish I had.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
In reply to: ihappygolucky
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:21am
Was reading your post and can totally relate to your situation. I recently was seeing this guy who was a friend first. It started out great and then fizzled-he never suggested we go anywhere, it was always me making the suggestions. We did things all the time when we first got together and then as time went on, I saw him less and less. I finally broke up with him because he had been ignoring me and telling me I was pushing him. I am not the kind of girl that gives only half of myself-even to my friends. I think that if you have a connection with someone (male or female) that you don't hide who you really are. I was always there when he needed me to talk or cook him dinner. Basically, I did a lot for him and felt like he just didn't appreciate it. So, I broke up with him.

In the meantime, I was introduced to a friend of his a couple of months before I broke it off. We had an immediate connection on every level and honestly was not attracted to him at first. Then, one night, we kissed and it just felt like it was what I had been waiting for. Now, this guy is getting told by some people we both know that I am saying things about our situation ( I am not and he knows this ) that are not true. The new guy and I went into it with an understanding that we both wanted to remain friends with benefits for now and if something happened, then we would go from there. Nothing has changed for me. A lot of guys mistake my genuine attitude for being pushy. I am very up front about what I want out of a relationship, but it is almost like guys are hearing what they want to hear to give them an excuse to run away. What do you think?