Both married, but in love w/eachother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Both married, but in love w/eachother?
19
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 7:37pm

This is definitely the biggest "no" on the planet when it comes to romance/love. First, a little history for a better understanding.

I am a high level manager in a small company that has been very unhappily married for several years now. Long story short is the woman I married has turned into a negative, often depressed, unromantic couch vegetable. I have tried everything under the sun to try to save my marriage for my kids if nothing else, but even they are greatly suffering by the negative parenting (wife belittles everybody and I can only direct it towards me when I am home.....she has a family history of mental concerns through her mother). Even my wifes life long friends can't understand what has happened and how I put up with it, and of course she won't agree to any couceling.

Just over 3 months ago I hired an assistant to help me keep up with my hectic work schedule. Well I wasn't a believer in "love at first sight", but at the interview my heart started racing, breathing was irregular and for a fairly well spoken person I struggled to make reasonable sentences. Still I hired her because she has the perfect personality to fit the role and the rest of her abilities were/are a perfect fit. So I dismissed what I felt as silliness and went about normal working life. We share a large office because of training needs and space available and of course this created a perfect situation for us to get to know each other much better. Well long story short is she approached me with a confessed strongly felt attraction to me and I felt an overly compelled force to be as honest with her. Now it should be noted that her marriage is slightly different, but just as emotionally failed as mine.

The last thing I should note is that I am an admittedly romantic guy, but I am also deciplined and well grounded. I have been with the same woman for over 20 years, so I don't just go falling for other women. In fact I was in no way shape or form looking for anything to complicate my situation further. But I have to be honest in saying that I didn't know it was possible to feel so totally IN LOVE with somebody else. There is no way I can put into words how I feel for this woman and she implies that she feels the same way. I guess it makes more sense if you know that we are almost identical in how we think, what we like to do and how we see life and marraige. Now for the questions:

1) We both come from divorced parents and swore never to do that to our kids, but at what point do you have no other options?
2) Assuming we find the courage is there a way to work through her religeous beliefs (of Christian faith) of divorce with the church/father?
3) Most would assume that work would want to get rid of one of us, but I am not at all worried about that, so how do I convince her not to worry?
4) Neither of us at all hate our spouses, but clearly the kids (2 from each side) would be better off with us so how do you manage that without causing WWIII?

Basically I have listed 4 questions and really that barely touches my thoughts. And looking at the questions they angle in a direction like I have already decided something which is not at all the case. I simply would like anybodys input because I am clearly in unfamiliar territory.

Thanks for your help and sorry for the long post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 8:23pm

confusedman66..

Quick question from Pianoguy:

"ARE YOUR SPOUSES AWARE OF THE INTENSE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE 2 OF YOU?"

If you don't get the 4 of you together soon....somebody from the office will eventually "spill the beans" to one of them?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 9:14pm

I'm a bit confused here. Before you met this other woman, had you given thought to leaving your wife? Counseling? Did you tell her how unhappy you were?

I'm always skeptical when a relationship blooms so quickly when someone is still attached. You say that this other woman "implies" that she feels the same way. You are willing to risk your wife, kids, family and potentially your job for someone that you've known for three months? If you are religious, wasn't the affair difficult for you?

I'm not trying to minimize your unhappiness, but it's almost as though you were looking for permission to do what you're doing. No one will ever know what would happen if you leave your wife for this woman and how it would impact your children and your job. You could very well end up alone. And what if the other woman doesn't leave her significant other? Then you would alone.

I'm big on committment...perhaps you should really have a heart to heart with your wife. Tell her that you don't know if you love her anymore, what does she feel, you're attracted to someone else, etc. Give it one last shot. Don't take this three month fling (which could very well develop into something more serious, of course) as your "out" necessarily.

That's just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 11:07pm

"1) We both come from divorced parents and swore never to do that to our kids, but at what point do you have no other options?" -- your wife has refused to get help or counseling to save the marriage, and will not address her mental health issues, even to protect the children. I say you are justified in asking for a divorce.

"2) Assuming we find the courage is there a way to work through her religeous beliefs (of Christian faith) of divorce with the church/father?" -- I am not Christian, so I cannot help you here.

"3) Most would assume that work would want to get rid of one of us, but I am not at all worried about that, so how do I convince her not to worry?" - you can't.

"4) Neither of us at all hate our spouses, but clearly the kids (2 from each side) would be better off with us so how do you manage that without causing WWIII?" -- if the children are old enough, let them choose where they would like to live. I do not have kids, but I am divorced twice, so I cannot provide any insight here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 2:21pm

My opening introduction to my situation may have been a bit misleading. We (me and the woman I work with) technically have not had an affair or at least nothing that goes against our vows. So to answer your question, nobody knows at work accept for us. Well I think a few have some suspicions, but nothing to talk about. Individually we have both talked to our spouses (I have more then she has) about how things aren't working out and that a lot of changes need to be made. Unfortunately though neither of us seem to have much success in driving home the situation to where either of our spouses will do anything (make changes, agree to counseling, etc.).

This is all very hard to understand, but probably the most confussing thing is how close and connected me and my coworker (for lack of a better word) are. On several occassions, when we are not together, se seem to sense when things aren't going well for the other and actually "feel" very off ourselves. It is like we are connected in a way that I have never heard of before that just makes our feelings for each other grow that much more intense. Many say that there is only really "one right person" out there for each of us and maybe this is what it is like when you find that "right person"? What I do know is that I have a very good imagination and never in my life have I ever imagined feeling like I do about this woman.

Thanks for the help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 2:50pm
Now, you do know that the irregular breathing stuff is sexual attraction, right? You do realize that you are also being influenced by your drive? Your vows were broken when you fell into an emotional affair, but with a wife who will not take care of herself or the kids or your marriage, no one could blame your heart for being vulnerable to meeting someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 2:56pm

"On several occassions, when we are not together, se seem to sense when things aren't going well for the other and actually "feel" very off ourselves. It is like we are connected in a way that I have never heard of before that just makes our feelings for each other grow that much more intense." ---- that's kind of cool, isn't it?

"Many say that there is only really "one right person" out there for each of us and maybe this is what it is like when you find that "right person". --- I have heard that there are a number of "soulmates" out there and then I have heard about you encounter "the one" only once in a lifetime. Who really knows? I think that based on what you have disclosed you and this woman share something very special but until you are a couple you really don't know for sure how things will go between the two of you. You sound very in love and it is rare to see a man so in love these days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 3:36pm

Dear confusedman,

I am in a similar kind of situation, only maybe further along than you, so I will tell you what I have been doing so maybe you can take something from that?

I have always been attracted to a man at work and about two years ago, we began a road that, unbeknownst to me at the time, led to a spectacular friendship. Simultaneously, I started spending time really assessing my marriage. It's almost like I woke up one day and thought, why am I married to this man who does nothing "for" me? And is this the reason that I have thrown myself into my work all these years, to avoid my failing and lonely marriage?

My STBX and I married after having a baby together. Had we not, there is no way that I would have married this man. However, at the time, giving my baby a father seemed the right thing to do. It was, both for her and for him. But not for me. Now, nearly 20 years of marriage and a second daughter later, I have come to face that painful fact.

There are parallels between yours and my stories (although please forgive me if I am interpreting something incorrectly). First, neither of us is happy in our marriage, but we were content-ish. Second, neither of us thought there was much we could do about it. Third, we both talked with our spouses about the lonely marriages, but they did not respond appropriately. Fourth, we both had another person in our lives that suddenly opened our eyes that THINGS CAN BE BETTER.

What I would suggest is to work on fixing or ending your marriage first. (This was advice that I received from these boards). Although the temptation to jump into another relationship that seems so perfect is hard to resist, if it is meant to be, waiting can't stop it from happening.

So, I am in the process of divorcing my husband. I know that if I would have acted on my impulse to turn my friendship with my co-worker into something more, this divorce would be a lot harder: more pain, more hurt, more anger, and more bloody financially. It's bad enough without an affair in the mix!

The lingering possibility of a relationship with my friend is frustratingly wonderful. I have never felt such a deep love and respect for any other man in my life, and certainly not my husband, so that gives me strength to know that there can be something better for me, even if it ends up not being with this man (although I really hope so!). There are definitely sparks and the sexual tension is sometimes almost unbearable. However, at the end of the day, I know by waiting that I am maintaining my integrity, and I am doing what's right by my daughters and my STBX husband.

You have a lot to think about, but please do not cloud that thinking by starting another relationship before you finish the one you already started.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 4:37pm

First, thanks so much for your "2 cents". I could actually use about a million dollars worth of "2 cents" with how confusing this situation seems to me. Now I will try to answer your questions.

Yes I have talked to my wife several times over the last 6 years on how badly our married life is progressing. It usually turns into a big blowout fight, she aknowledges some, but gets defensive about most of it. Everything will be pretty good for a month or so and then back to the same old "I pretty much don't exist in her world". To top that off she often gets very belittling to the kids and myself. When she gets this way I try to focus her mood on me and away from the kids or I tell simply "she has said enough". It is also worth noting that I have asked about counselling many times and each time she vetos telling somebody else our problems. There can be no doubt that she knows I am unhappy.

I know there is a lot at risk, that is why me and this other woman haven't done anything against our vows. I know then one could ask how do you know how you feel without so much as kissing the other half to the couple. Well before this I would have said there is no way to feel this way about somebody without more intimate contact to be sure. In fact I have never felt anything like this about anybody ever. We litterally are connected in a way that I didn't see as possible. For instance we can be away from each other at our respected homes doing just fine and then suddenly feel ill, sad or just totally defeated for no apparent reason. Then to find out the next day the other half had a severe issue right at that moment of the other feeling something. Could somebody please explain this to me????

I am not religious, but she is.

Right now we are both just keeping time as our friend and sorting through this a little at a time. We have both agreed that neither of us can be the reason for the other leaving their spouse, but it is fair to view the other as the prize at the end.

More imput would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
T

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 5:09pm

Well...if you have been so unhappy, why are you still with your wife? And, how would you feel if you end up completely alone?

If you have given it a fair shot with your wife and you want to move on, do so because you are unhappy with her. Don't make it about another woman.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 6:31pm

I agree completely with PSU...don't make the impending divorce about another woman. It sounds like it would be better for all parties involved to divorce. An unhappy relationship isn't healthy for children anymore than divorce is but by ending the relationship you can work towards making things better for everyone. The last thing you need to come to light right now is another woman, no matter how in love you are. Your wife will see it as cheating (and it IS emotionally cheating) and your children may feel you left mommy for another woman; if they are young they'll think it in the future and if they are old they'll just assume it now and be upset).

This woman you love probably opened your eyes that you truly do deserve someone who loves & respects you, and that's the catalyst here. However, you're about to embark on a long difficult road and need to emotionally heal from a wrecked marriage. It also sounds as though this other woman may not be at the same point as you are in ending her marriage.

My two cents is that you and your children should seek counseling seperatly. I think children really need an adult outside of the divorce/family to talk with to know that what they are feeling is normal. Counseling will help you work through some of your emotions towards your wife and any conflict your having mentally because of everything. Tell the other woman that you need to keep the relationship strictly professional and that if it's true love, you guys will come together down the road once you're both in a better situation. Oh and your coworkers are probably more in tune than you both think - they can pick up on the slightest glance, the way you move around each other, etc etc.

One of your questions was how this other woman should deal with divorce and the church/her father. Her father probably won't change his views on divorce - but a heart to heart with him may gain some support, not for the divorce but for her confusion. As for religion, that really depends on her views. If she's very 'by the book' than she may not want to divorce at any cost, but cheating isn't any less of a sin (but thats just my opinion). I am a Christian but a bit more liberal...I don't like divorce but I understand that people make mistakes & change - if you've given it your all and it's still not working than you shouldn't spend the rest of your life miserable.

That's my two cents...

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