Both married, but in love w/eachother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Both married, but in love w/eachother?
19
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 7:37pm

This is definitely the biggest "no" on the planet when it comes to romance/love. First, a little history for a better understanding.

I am a high level manager in a small company that has been very unhappily married for several years now. Long story short is the woman I married has turned into a negative, often depressed, unromantic couch vegetable. I have tried everything under the sun to try to save my marriage for my kids if nothing else, but even they are greatly suffering by the negative parenting (wife belittles everybody and I can only direct it towards me when I am home.....she has a family history of mental concerns through her mother). Even my wifes life long friends can't understand what has happened and how I put up with it, and of course she won't agree to any couceling.

Just over 3 months ago I hired an assistant to help me keep up with my hectic work schedule. Well I wasn't a believer in "love at first sight", but at the interview my heart started racing, breathing was irregular and for a fairly well spoken person I struggled to make reasonable sentences. Still I hired her because she has the perfect personality to fit the role and the rest of her abilities were/are a perfect fit. So I dismissed what I felt as silliness and went about normal working life. We share a large office because of training needs and space available and of course this created a perfect situation for us to get to know each other much better. Well long story short is she approached me with a confessed strongly felt attraction to me and I felt an overly compelled force to be as honest with her. Now it should be noted that her marriage is slightly different, but just as emotionally failed as mine.

The last thing I should note is that I am an admittedly romantic guy, but I am also deciplined and well grounded. I have been with the same woman for over 20 years, so I don't just go falling for other women. In fact I was in no way shape or form looking for anything to complicate my situation further. But I have to be honest in saying that I didn't know it was possible to feel so totally IN LOVE with somebody else. There is no way I can put into words how I feel for this woman and she implies that she feels the same way. I guess it makes more sense if you know that we are almost identical in how we think, what we like to do and how we see life and marraige. Now for the questions:

1) We both come from divorced parents and swore never to do that to our kids, but at what point do you have no other options?
2) Assuming we find the courage is there a way to work through her religeous beliefs (of Christian faith) of divorce with the church/father?
3) Most would assume that work would want to get rid of one of us, but I am not at all worried about that, so how do I convince her not to worry?
4) Neither of us at all hate our spouses, but clearly the kids (2 from each side) would be better off with us so how do you manage that without causing WWIII?

Basically I have listed 4 questions and really that barely touches my thoughts. And looking at the questions they angle in a direction like I have already decided something which is not at all the case. I simply would like anybodys input because I am clearly in unfamiliar territory.

Thanks for your help and sorry for the long post.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 3:02pm
Yes you dont want the news to come from anyone but you
,
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 1:08pm

Wow, someone else got swooped up in this whirlwind chapter of life. I truly feel for you in the torture I am sure you have felt (because I had to deal with a lot of it myself), both positive in sexual tension and negative in how do I end this "dead" somewhat positively with my husband. I so appreciate you sharing what you are dealing with because there definitely is comfort in knowing I am not the only one traveling down this road. There are so many things to consider that I have to force myself to just take it one day at a time and factor at a time.

My biggest issue right now is I know my wife senses something because she is suddenly turning on the charm extra thick to make me happy. The main problem with that is it is simply too late, my feelings for her (how you should love a spouse) are dead. I simply wasn't strong enough to hold out past the 9 years (we have been together for more then 20, but I have been the only one really putting anything into the marraige for the last 9 years) I have been enduring, and I feel guilty about it. But truth be known, even if I was happy in my marraige I am not sure I wouldn't be at least noticing this other woman because I feel for her in ways that is hard for me to imagine anybody ever feeling for somebody else. I know that sounds like a silly romantic, but believe me I am much more logical and realistic then that so the feeling really surprises me.

Lucky for us we have "so far" stayed on the very close friends stage and kept sex out of the picture. Like you the sexual tension is so strong that one of us will frequently just start pacing to maintain. I keep telling her that we need to let "time" be our friend and not try to solve everything at once. Time will help us work through the answers one at a time if we let it.

Thanks again for your help and let me know how life is going.

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 1:16pm

Thank you so much for your input. During a whirlwind chapter of life like this I can't put into words how much the input helps. We, the other woman and myself, are still trying to sort through all of this one step at a time. We have truly become best friends as well so we openly talk about all of it and are each others "support group". One thing we have both made clear when this all started is that neither of us could be the reason for leaving our spouse, just the prize at the end. Basically just meaning that we are going to take care of our present situations (supporting each other as friends and keep the feelings secret) before we venture into anything more. I know that this still isn't the perfect way to work through it, but it is what we feel is realistic with how we feel.

Looking for a happy ending for all........T

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 1:17pm
I understand and agree.......thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:29pm

I feel for you, for you have experienced a very compelling and magnetic pull toward another human being that you can't control.

The fact that you have a wife who is not giving you anything to love in her is not helping to keep you. You have children and are worried that your distraction toward this woman might interfer with your marriage and take you away from them. This can happen to any couple.

I remember falling in love and having that 'alive' feeling. I had so much of a magnetic pull that I couldn't control my feelings. There was something about him that pulled me into his soul or what I thought was his soul. Falling in love is like losing your mind, you no longer have control over your mind and you can do studid things.

As I got to know this person, I started seeing him as he was and not through 'rose-colored' glasses. When my eyes were open, I found that I didn't like him, that the pull that I had was all an allusion.

I'm sure that at one time, you found your wife to be very attractive and drawn to her. You fell in love with her. You, at that time, wasn't aware of her flaws.

If this young woman is what you think she is after you get to know her better, maybe it would be best to approach your wife and let her know how you feel about her. It might wake her up and try to be a better partner to you.

I don't envy you, for you are in a terrible situation where everyone is going to lose something. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 8:45pm
Look, I can relate to your situation, except I'm divorcing due to my abusive husband, however I'm am completely head over heels for a married catholic man, I'm non-denominational christian myself. As I am re-starting my life single, he is stuck in an emotionless marriage. Much like yourself he was in a senior position at my workplace, then turned into my mentor & finally my lover. Our company has relocated him to another state & he calls & e-mails me all the time. I do believe in another life we could be a great team right now, but I've come to accept the possibility of him never leaving his wife, he is not one to turn his back on a commitment. If you feel the desperate urge to get out of your marriage, make sure it has nothing to do with your feelings for your assistant. Try to asses your life as if you had never met Ur assistant, otherwise you'll both end up feeling guilty at some point if U ever end up together. Don't stay in a marriage rut just because U feel obligated for the kids, I hesitated to get out of my abusive relationship at first for the sake of our daughter too, but a close friend fessed up to me that he would've tolerated parents that were divorced & emotionally functional, than the emotionless home he grew up in. Lastly I highly recommend: 25 Stupid Mistake Couples Make, by Paul Coleman & The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. Take time to be alone with yourself & own up to any decisions you make. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 9:06am

Life and love and emotions and lust are obviously

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 12:31pm

"As I got to know this person, I started seeing him as he was and not through 'rose-colored' glasses. When my eyes were open, I found that I didn't like him, that the pull that I had was all an allusion." --> this is so common for all of us - the in love with being in love wears off and then we start to see the person for who he is without rationalizing anything.

Nice to see you here britstarlite32205. I usually see you at "In the News". What brings you to this side of town?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 12:59am

I know you realize that this is a very complicated situation. I hope you also realize that many times the feelings that you are describing are simply lustful feelings that will begin to wear away once you truly get to know the other person. Everyone likes the beginning feelings of being in "love", that is why so many people abandon "settled" relationships because they are constantly chasing the little flutters that a new "love" interest gives. This is very dangerous. What about your marriage vows? When you said for better or worse, did you have limitations on how much "worse" you were willing to deal with?

This situation has the potential to get very ugly because so many people are involved. Have you thought about what her husband might do once he finds out about you? If your wife has a history of mental illness, do you really think she is just simply going to walk away from this situation with creating some type of storm?

Once the newness wears off, what will you be left with? And if this person is truly your "soul-mate" do you think that she would be sent to you while you are already bound to another person? Please think hard and long about this situation. People love to say follow your heart, but the heart is treacherous.

Pages