Boyfriend bailed on my big day...
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Boyfriend bailed on my big day...
| Fri, 10-27-2006 - 2:29am |
Hello all ivillage people! This is my first post here and I have been a member for oh, about 7yrs!!!!--so I would say that it is definitely time for me to say something! WARNING! LONG>
I left the father of my kids in 2003, after a 14 year tumultous relationship. He is a drug addict, and I am so glad to this day to finally be rid of his ugly lifestyle. I was doing fine, rebuilding all that which he had destroyed: getting a car, finding a nice apt forme and my three teens (whom I love more than life), working part-time and going to college full-time. I recently graduated with an Associates in Nursing AND more recently passed state boards--RN here :)--I am so happy with my family and my accomplishments even though I am financially sinking (start a new job 10/30/06--bright future!), enter this man I will call John. I met John in 2004, at around Christmas, and from the moment I met him, there was something about him that just made me feel good inside. Not the best looking man, or even the brightest (computer ILLITERATE--darn), but a drug free single man with no kids and looking for what I thought at the time a serious commitment. Weeeelll, turns out he needs to BE committed!!! He is stuck on stupid w/capital S's over some bartender that played him bogus before we met. I mean STUCK. I mean tried to slit his wrists stuck (also happened before we met.) I should have just ran from that relationship from the get go, but as I stated, I was broke, and he helped me and my kids out SOOOOO much! Also very good to me and my sons, always a kind word, never inappropriate.
Well, I began to fall for him, as even though he claimed he did not love that ex anymore, he could not get past the fact that she cheated on him, took his money for her drug habit, etc. I tried so hard to get him to see that not all women were like that, and also that I had an ex very similiar to his!!!! The major difference was he was in and out with her in under a year!!!! Try 14 yrs and 3 kids!!!! She had him arrested for breaking her house windows and he had since stayed away from her upon his release! Gee, as I write this, my own mind is like WTF???!!! I can imagine the replies I will get from this post, please bring it on, I need STRENGTH right now...ANYWAY, I took my big test last week and he spent the night before with me wishing me well and making plans for after the test to celebrate. Haven't seen or heard from him since two hours after the test. I called him and he told me he would not be joining me for any drinks, and that "I was doing fine, that it was him that did not feel well", I don't know what to make of it all, but I am hurting so bad inside right now, I could shed a river of tears. I just found out that a close friend of mine passed away in a house fire--sob--IT IS DEVASTATING FOR ME RIGHT NOW.
What can I do? It seems like whenever something so good happens in our lives, something so bad seems to follow. I need his comfort, he was so nice to me, but I am constantly feeling as though he never was there for me at all--he even called me by his ex's name on one foul occasion (thank goodness we were only talking at the time). I want to move on from this painful situation, but now with the passing of my friend (she was 33, my age--HORRIBLE), my upcoming job orientation, and the fact that he made financial promises to me a week before--IT IS ALOT TO BEAR. I know that God comforts us all in our times of need, and I definitely feel His Presence and Grace, but I think I need His Mercy as well. I love John and I hate to lose him to a terrible woman (his ex is a bartender at a very yucky bar in our area, and a drug addict), but I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on right now...What should I do? Let him go? And what then if he calls me back (he has done this before a few times, and he ALWAYS calls me back)--I DON'T NEED THIS EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER ANYMORE! Should I ignore his calls? Been there, done that. Should I totally diss him if he calls? Haven't really done that, he is always SO SORRY, and I can't kick a man while he is down...Advice or opinions would be appreciated.
I left the father of my kids in 2003, after a 14 year tumultous relationship. He is a drug addict, and I am so glad to this day to finally be rid of his ugly lifestyle. I was doing fine, rebuilding all that which he had destroyed: getting a car, finding a nice apt forme and my three teens (whom I love more than life), working part-time and going to college full-time. I recently graduated with an Associates in Nursing AND more recently passed state boards--RN here :)--I am so happy with my family and my accomplishments even though I am financially sinking (start a new job 10/30/06--bright future!), enter this man I will call John. I met John in 2004, at around Christmas, and from the moment I met him, there was something about him that just made me feel good inside. Not the best looking man, or even the brightest (computer ILLITERATE--darn), but a drug free single man with no kids and looking for what I thought at the time a serious commitment. Weeeelll, turns out he needs to BE committed!!! He is stuck on stupid w/capital S's over some bartender that played him bogus before we met. I mean STUCK. I mean tried to slit his wrists stuck (also happened before we met.) I should have just ran from that relationship from the get go, but as I stated, I was broke, and he helped me and my kids out SOOOOO much! Also very good to me and my sons, always a kind word, never inappropriate.
Well, I began to fall for him, as even though he claimed he did not love that ex anymore, he could not get past the fact that she cheated on him, took his money for her drug habit, etc. I tried so hard to get him to see that not all women were like that, and also that I had an ex very similiar to his!!!! The major difference was he was in and out with her in under a year!!!! Try 14 yrs and 3 kids!!!! She had him arrested for breaking her house windows and he had since stayed away from her upon his release! Gee, as I write this, my own mind is like WTF???!!! I can imagine the replies I will get from this post, please bring it on, I need STRENGTH right now...ANYWAY, I took my big test last week and he spent the night before with me wishing me well and making plans for after the test to celebrate. Haven't seen or heard from him since two hours after the test. I called him and he told me he would not be joining me for any drinks, and that "I was doing fine, that it was him that did not feel well", I don't know what to make of it all, but I am hurting so bad inside right now, I could shed a river of tears. I just found out that a close friend of mine passed away in a house fire--sob--IT IS DEVASTATING FOR ME RIGHT NOW.
What can I do? It seems like whenever something so good happens in our lives, something so bad seems to follow. I need his comfort, he was so nice to me, but I am constantly feeling as though he never was there for me at all--he even called me by his ex's name on one foul occasion (thank goodness we were only talking at the time). I want to move on from this painful situation, but now with the passing of my friend (she was 33, my age--HORRIBLE), my upcoming job orientation, and the fact that he made financial promises to me a week before--IT IS ALOT TO BEAR. I know that God comforts us all in our times of need, and I definitely feel His Presence and Grace, but I think I need His Mercy as well. I love John and I hate to lose him to a terrible woman (his ex is a bartender at a very yucky bar in our area, and a drug addict), but I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on right now...What should I do? Let him go? And what then if he calls me back (he has done this before a few times, and he ALWAYS calls me back)--I DON'T NEED THIS EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER ANYMORE! Should I ignore his calls? Been there, done that. Should I totally diss him if he calls? Haven't really done that, he is always SO SORRY, and I can't kick a man while he is down...Advice or opinions would be appreciated.

First and foremost...CONGRATS!! You have opened a new set of doors with your accomplishments in education and work force. You should be very proud of yourself right now. You left an ugly and potentially dangerous situation behind, you've raised your children to be productive members of society and you've put yourself through college while working and raising your children alone. You need to pat yourself in the back several times and remind yourself on how good you are and how good desicions you've made.
Now to the whole John situation. Given that you're inevitably emotionally involved with this man, I'd apply the good judgment from past situations to this one. You know it's not a good situation for you, as it's a constant rollercoaster and you know that you have to end it. He's not in his good senses, he's violent and can be aggressive (he busted out his EX's house windows). He's a good man and he's very sorry whe he comes to beg you for another chance (how many chances have you given him?), BUT will that sorry act change if you take him back?...Nope. Nothing will change, but your constant ups and downs that this situation brings to your doorstep. Deep inside you know what tho do, you know you need to end it AND you'll do it when you're prepared to do it, just like you left your ex of 14 years. Hopefully it won't take that long. Your well-being and your children's should be put first.
This man is committed to himself and isn't respecting your feelings, time or persona. He's not being honest with you. He's still running after his ex. He has a huge baggage that will affect him and you for ever. He needs to change, but you can't make him change. He chooses his life and you have to choose yours.
The change you're seeing is a good thing. It makes you think and wonder if your current situation is the best one for you or your children. Change brings renovation and you my dear are renovating yourself..new job...new life and new....
It takes courage to leave a bad situation and not to stay in it.
Edited 10/27/2006 10:02 am ET by lightandbright
Excellent advice and thank you so much for the congrats. I know all of what you stated to be true, I think I just needed an intelligent outside perspective. You know how when you get too close to a situation, it is so nice to have someone outside see things for what they really are. I am so sad right now though, because I KNOW I am going to end it with John, and unfortunately I don't know the best approach right about now. I feel so vulnerable over the death of my dear friend (she was 33, died of smoke inhalation--TERRIBLE--she was home alone). So I am NOT going to pursue John at all due to this final seperation, but it is killing my heart, because I really needed to be in his arms at this time. It hurts my head and heart terribly to know that it could have just as easily been me to die, and he wouldn't even know or care? because he stays away for these lengths of at least 1-2 weeks. I am flipping back and forth from that sadness to ANGER, and I just want to curl up in my bed and fast forward time to about five years from now! Because I know that if God allows, I will have a good future with my kids and my new career and even possibly a good man. Thanks again for your excellent input, lightandbright, it will not be forgotten.
PS-I have even thought of it on John's perspective, for example if he is going through something similiar, but I know his sister would call me and tell me if anything bad happened on that end. I have always told her to let me know if anything were to go down. In other words, I keep my end of communication open as much as possible, he does not. Oh well, sob....
You know what I'm thinking?