Boyfriend doesn't want to sleep with me?
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Boyfriend doesn't want to sleep with me?
| Wed, 08-16-2006 - 4:53pm |
Need some advice please. My boyfriend of 4 months doesn't want me to spend the night with him even though we are having sex on a weekly basis. Every week it's pretty much the same thing, we go to his house, eat, hang out, have sex, cuddle for awhile and then he takes me back to my place. I don't mind what we do, if I did I would say something about that, what bothers me is not spending the night with him. The first few weeks that I went to his place i did sleep there, he admitted that since he is divorced and he has been sleeping by himself for a long time that it's going to take him some time to get used to it. That was fine and I was even okay with not sleeping there some---I'm still okay with not sleeping there "some". I brought this up to him recently and he said the same thing about needing time--I said how would he ever get used to it if he never did it--no response. I'm not sure what to do concerning this since I have mentioned it to him and I don't want to push it either but my feelings are starting to get hurt. There is also another issue: we don't see each other very often. We see each other one weekend night and we will sometimes meet for dinner during the week but that is it. He always talks about how much he has to do on the weekends but my thinking is that since I work on Saturdays he could do some things that day and then spend some time with me on Sunday but that has only happened a few times. This has been mentioned also with very little change as well. I'm thinking about maybe telling him to do things that he can't do with me on Saturdays and then save things that he can do with me on Sunday and we'll do those errands together. But I feel if I say that then I'm being to clingy or needy or it makes me wonder why do I want to see him so much more than he wants to see me? Now don't get me wrong I don't think it's all about sex because we do talk a couple times during the week (however I sometimes call more often, but he will contact me via IM if I'm on there) and when we talk ---we talk! And he calls me his girlfriend and even helped me move last weekend. He says he has never been able to talk to someone like he does me and he is fairly affectionate before and after sex. So, please help me on these two issues because I'm not sure what to do!

I wonder how much you are really getting from this relationship. It sounds like the two of you have settled into a routine, a routine that very much favors your boyfriend. I hate to say it but you are acting almost like a sex worker more than a girlfriend. It's all on his terms, he picks you up, the two of you "hang out", you have sex and then he drives you home. He seems to enjoy sex, intimacy and friendship with you but I don't know what you are getting from this. Do you want a real boyfriend? One you can call at any time and ask for anything? A relationship that will lead to marriage?
Where are the dinners out? Where are the movies? Where are the meetings with his and your family? Where is the spontaneity? Where are your walks on the beach? The get-togethers with friends? Vacations?
What you want most is to spend the night with him, yet he won't meet your needs. He doesn't seem interested in spending time with you during daylight hours, yet you seem happy that he calls you his girlfriend.
I think what is needed here is an open and honest discussion, not just about the nights together and spending time on the weekends but more about how this man views where this relationship is going.
If he continues to use phrases like, "He needs time" or "He's not ready" or something like "I've been hurt in the past and need to go slow" then you need to consider how long you wish to put up with the situation as it is because it is not going to change. This man has crafted a relationship where he is getting what he wants from you and he isn't interested in anything more.
I really don't mean to be harsh on this but I am seeing a whole bunch of red flags here.