Boyfriend is moving in with a girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Boyfriend is moving in with a girl
7
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 11:52am
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We are very much in love but are in no rush to get married or move into together (we just graduated college a year ago). Recently my boyfirend just signed a lease for an apartment with a girl who he says is a good friend, yet I've never met her the whole time i've been with him. It was his only option and the only person he could find to room with so I felt bad when I told him how it made me uncomfortable that he was getting a place with this girl becuase there weren't many options for him. He can't afford to live on his own and this apt. seems to be great. When I told him how I felt he was understanding and re-assured me that he would never do anything to hurt me and that she's just a roomate someone to share the rent with. He does make me feel better when I tell him how i'm feeling. I just can't stand the fact that he'll be living with this girl alone. The thing is is that I totally trust him and I don't think that he would do anything to hurt me but what drives me crazy is the image that I have of him confiding in her, telling her about his day, she'll always be there to hang with. I just feel very uncomfortable with that senario, even though he re-assures me it won't be like that at all and eventually they hope to find a third roomate to make the rent even cheaper. My boyfriend has a lot girls who are good friends and I get along with them great, but to get a place with a girl alone not to mention one who I've have yet to meet really gets to me, I should be the girl he spends most of his time with. I just don't know what to do. I trust him but I feel like this is totally inapropriate and that he should not be living with a girl. Am I wrong? Should I chill out? I try to tell myself that if its meant to be it will work out and not to let things like this bother me? Can you give any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 12:28pm
I'd feel uncomfortable too. How good of a friend can she be if you've never heard of her in the whole year you've been with him? In any case, I guess you'll be meeting her soon since you'll obviously be spending time at his place and she'll be there. Sometimes male/female cohabitation can be completely platonic. However, there are many obstacles to overcome and both people really need to feel no attraction towards one another for it to work (and even if that's the case in the beginning, there are no guarantees about what might develop, nobody can really predict or control that). You trust him...but how can you trust her when you don't even know her? Will they be sharing a bathroom? Or each have their own? Does she have a boyfriend?

Personally I think that something like this should be discussed and agreed upon beforehand in a relationship. I wouldn't feel right about doing something that made my SO feel uncomfortable, and I know he'd feel the same. Many times bad things happen to people who didn't *intend* for them to happen. I have developed the belief and attitude over time (and through many learning experiences of my own) that the best way to avoid trouble in a relationship is to make wise choices and decisions with the aim of avoiding putting yourself in a position where potential trouble *may* occur.

In my experience there are rare instances in life when we have only one option available to us. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 1:56pm
you trust him, but you don't trust the situation. I don't think that there's anything reassuring that anyone can say to you until you meet this girl (who like other poster said is suspect that you haven't met this good friend in a year of dating this guy) and find out some more things. if it's a situation that you can't handle, there you go. you already know that it's a done deal for him.

I had a boyfriend that lived with two very attractive women, but they had their own boyfriends and it was completely cool. they didn't do much together, everyone was shut up in their room with their partner and came out to eat/cook. there was never any doubt in my mind that my boyfriend would stray and I had the assurance that no one was ever around and if they were, they had a man already.

Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 7:39pm
Try looking at it this way: any interactions he might have with her while sharing an apartment, he could have with any woman who he is NOT roommates with, if that's what he wants.

That said, if you really feel like the roommate is going to have exposure to him that you want, then maybe you really are ready to move in with him. But all this begs the question, does the roommate have a life of her own, boyfriend of her own, and would she even be around to enjoy all these things that you are imagining will happen?

Just trying to provide a different perspective.

Also, if this guy was the cheating type, he would be really good about keeping "his women" separate. I'd say his openness about his friendships with women says good things about him, like he can see women as friends, not just sexual objects, and also, he's not secretive.

Don't mess things up for yourself by being fearful. Take it at face value, and reserve judgement until things unfold. And hey, his roommate could become your new best friend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:27pm
Personally I would not find this acceptable. I myself have fought to convince my boyfriend that my bestfriend is nothing more than a friend. However I have grown to love him for more than that. I'm not saying that your boyfriend is a cheater, but no matter how strong you may think you are, no one is incapable of falling to temptation. I don't believe that is a very good situation for him to be in and I would advise that you talk to him about arranging a new living situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:08am
YOUR boyfriend is moving in with some other girl??? How can I put this politely...

oh, I've got it: OH HELL NO!!!!!

This will do nothing but stress you out every single day. And even when you try and convince yourself that you trust him, and it doesn't bother you... it will nag at the back of your mind. You're gonna wonder what goes on the nights you aren't there, and blah blah blah. It will drive you nuts! No matter how wonderful he is, and even if he really WONT do anything to hurt you, this is going to eat at you on some level. Maybe you two can get a place?

That sounds a little odd that you've never met this girl--- and now he's moving in with her...

No matter what happens, do yourself a favor and have your guard up.

Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 4:16pm
Hi,I went thru the same thing 18 months ago.I was with the guy for 7 years and we had some financial problems,so we agreed that it would be best if he moved out temporarily until we had fixed the problem.He had looked at some rooms for rent which was fine with me until he seen a ad in the paper for a roommate.He went to check on it and came back home.He told me he liked it and was going to go for it.I was ok with that until he told me that it was a girl who had the room for rent.I tried to talk him into not jumping into it nut he said his mind was made up.We talked about the trust issue and how much he loved me and my children(they are not his)and how he would come and stay with us on my nights off and he would come and see me on his days off.He moved in and one month later I had only seen him once and talked to him twice on the phone.My heart kept telling me something wasn't right,that I wasn't uncomfortable about this situation for no reason.He called me one night and I could hear her and her friends with him laughing and partying,and he was rubbing it in.I asked him if everything was all right and he said it was.But they became very close and I was forgotten,so I called him and told him to have a nice life and they are still together.Follow your heart,listen very closely to your heart.You'll know,if it says something isn't right then it's not.Ask him to take you there and meet her,if he puts it off or if you do go over there your heart will tell you right then and there.Believe me.When you love someone truely and wholeheartedly,instincts are right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:09pm
If anything should soothe your soul...it's that he IS living with her! If there were ever to be any romantic ties...which it sounds like there are not, but who knows...reality will knock him in the head when they move in together. Probably one of the toughest things any two people can do. Take it from me, when my boyfriend and I moved in together...it wasn't the happiest of times, which I think you are romanticizing in your head. He will have to deal with her friends coming over...her boyfriends, her neurosis, her dirty clothes and crap all over the bathroom. Believe me...you have nothing to worry about! But the thing is...you just don't know. Unless he gives you a reason to distrust him...pretend he's living with a man. He might as well be. Living together is not sexy...it's domestic. And just think...YOU are the one he will likely go to when he needs to rant about his 'messy' 'crazy' roomate! We all have those stories about the people we live/have lived with! And it's not like we can tell THEM that! You will be a breath of fresh air!