Boyfriend not initiating affection

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Boyfriend not initiating affection
2
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 3:24pm
I have been dating a sweet, kind (a little shy) 32 yr. old man for a month. He comes from a very difficult home life where parents were emotionally unattached to the children (he's been through therapy and doing very well). But, he doesn't intitiate kissing me goodnight or really any other time. Cuddles and hugs, but only kisses when I start kissing him. And then he really reciprocates:) I mentioned a few wks ago that I noticed I'm more affectionate and he said he's not an initiator and his emotions are not easily read/on the surface. What I'd like is for him to initiate but feel silly asking him to please kiss me! We were good friends before we decided to date and I was the one to tell him that i was interested...and he said he'd wanted to pursue a relationship w/me but didn't know if I'd want him because of his bad childhood. I reassured him that I cared for him and it's more important who he is now, not where he's been. Any suggestions? I love him and see such a kind, sweet man and want to work through this. Even with his sad past...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 7:57pm
If he's in counseling then he may be getting help to address the issues he may have and even to be more affectionate. However, with his past and emotional coldness you cannot expect of him any kind of affection if he's not ready to do it. Even with therapy, he may never be the affectionate man you want him to be, where he'd initiate. Childhood trauma where children are deprived from human contact in the form of emotion is something serious, that carries well into adulthood. This lack of affection affects all of the relationships. You can support him, but don't expect a dramatic change in him. It may take years for him to open up a bit, and even then it could not be what you're expecting and want. Unfirtunatelly, this guy has baggage and issues that will affect his relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 11:51am

I understand your feelings and why you would like your boyfriend to initiate affection more. But count yourself lucky that he reciprocates when you initiate the kissing. As you know, people who were deprived of affection as children sometimes have trouble expressing real intimacy with anyone at any time. They might be able to go through the mechanics of sex... but kissing, hugging and caressing are often missing.

I think you should try talking to him and letting him know (gently) that you'd loved him to kiss you more. Your boyfriend is not a mind-reader. If you've never asked or complained about the kissing in the past, he might think you're comfortable with things the way they are. And clearly, because of his intimacy issues, it's easier for him to RESPOND rather than reach out to you.

It's great he's getting therapy for his childhood abuse and neglect. Maybe he'll become warmer and start to be more affectionate as he recovers. But this could be a long process. And as the other poster said, initiating affection may not EVER be something he is able to do on a regular basis. You'll have to be patient and accepting if you really want to stay with this man.

I wish you both the best of luck.