boyfriend or exclusive

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
boyfriend or exclusive
5
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 10:27am

My question is and I need some advice and some input about this. I've been dating a guy for four months. I'm 43 and he's 25. He says the age does not bother him and we hang out alot. Go to dinner, movies etc. Well I asked him the other night what I was to him. And he says... We are dating exclusively but were not boyfriend and girlfriend. What the hell does that mean. Is he afraid to admit to commitment or what. He knows I don't want to see anyone else and he doesn't either unless he's fooling me. Well if anyone has anything to say please write to me.

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 11:01am

I would assume that what he is trying to say is that in his mind he is still getting to know you. But after 4 months he should be past that stage and be able to call you his girlfriend.

It sounds like you are in an exclusive FWB catagory.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 12:39pm

From my experience, some guys, while liking the exclusivity at some stage in dating somebody, would not want the "pressures" of a bf/gf relationship. They feel that once their relationship is categorized into that, then they are expected to do more things than they are ready to do. Perhaps they feel that they have to call you a certain number of times a week, take you out much more than they already are, and introduce you to the parents, etc. etc.

It sounds like while he has agreed to and is not dating other people, he is not ready to get into a certain level of commitment with you. If this bothers you too much, you may want to sit down with him and have a talk about what it is exactly about a bf/gf relationship that he doesn't like, and perhaps you two can come into agreement on things that you can/should/would do for this relationship.

There seems to be varying levels of expectations among couples now as far as a bf/gf relationship goes, and imo, it is really up to the couple to decide what they expect form their relationship.

AM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 2:34pm

I think you're confused because the words boyfriend and girlfriend mean one thing to you and something different to him. I kind of grew up viewing things the same way as you seem to- that when two people have agreed to see each other exclusively they are boyfriend and girlfriend, even if it's just a fling and you know it will never be anything serious. I'm surprised though at how many posts I've come across from folks who describe a relationship where they agreed to be exclusive months ago, and they had sex, and they go out every week-end, and they spend all of their free time together, and everybody knows about their relationship, and they've met each other's friends and family, and then they ask, "Is it too soon to ask if I can call him my boyfriend? I don't want to scare him away by calling him my boyfriend too soon in the relationship." It's always posts from younger folks too. I am only 28 myself, so I wouldn't say every young person feels this way. But I think that as "friends with benefits" has become much more commonplace in recent years, many twenty-somethings these days have become a lot more reluctant to use the terms boyfriend and girlfriend until a relationship is quite serious.

I would recommend asking him what being boyfriend and girlfriend means to him and how it's different from being exclusive. The terms boyfriend and girlfriend probably mean something different for each person who uses them so he is the only person who can explain exactly what he means when he says that. Once you hear his definition of the word, you'll probably have a much better understanding of where your relationship stands.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 5:32pm

rosewater99, thank you for the great advice and everyone else as well. i would have never thought of asking him that. and i do know very well that a man's definition is a whole lot different that ours. so i do have and understanding in that. i will talk to him about that and if i get a chance i'll let you know how it turns out.

thanks again,
slf1962

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:57pm
Well, he is just seeing you and it has only been four months. Perhaps at some point soon you can ask him what he thinks being boyfriend and girlfriend is and how that differs from dating exclusively. Could be he's just hesitant to use "labels" too quickly.
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