boyfriend on overnight trip with female
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| Tue, 03-06-2007 - 12:07am |
my boyfriend and i have been dating for 5 mos. we became very serious very quickly. he doesn't have very many friends and one of his closest friends is a female, let's call her, kat.
anyway from the very beginning bf explained that he and kat have been friends, but nothing more, for a year and a half. they enjoy the same things such as camping and theater and stuff. she's a dancer and he explained as she is attractive, jealousy in his past relationships has been an issue. he assured me that nothing has happened nor will happen between him and kat. that they are just good friends.
this relationship has been a problem for me. the friendship i mean. i've met up with them on a couple of occasions and she seems clingy to me. like she depends on him too much. she also has a personality that i just clash with. she and i wouldn't be friends if i met her out in the world. we're 2 different people.
my jealousy has come to the surface a few times. bf has repeatedly explained that he is pursuing me, loves me, that i have nothing to worry about blah blah blah. and i do trust him. i do not believe that he would cheat on me (based on his personal history of an ex cheating on him and how painful it was for him) and if he had feelings for kat i believe he would tell me. i guess maybe i'm insecure about myself as she is more attractive and i'm not trusting of her.
well this week bf informed me that he and kat would probably be going on their annual camping trip again. he said they would hope to get a group together but last year they attempted this and the other members crapped out so he and kat went by themselves. i started to cry and explained that that would be too much for me. that their friendship was hard enough for me but that him overnight by himself with her would be too much. that it wasn't right. he claims he can't understand what my problem is. he doesn't see why this situation isn't right and wants me to explain it to him. i've tried. saying i dont think a man and a woman should spend an overnight trip together. he then started crying, explaining that he'd always had difficulty with friends and always had an easier time with female friends. saying that if he were to give that up, that he'd feel like he were betraying his friend. after i indicated that i felt like i would be compromising myself to an uncomfortable level and that while he should do what he needed to do, if this trip did happen that i woudln't be comfortable in that, he said he'd promise that he'd do his best to make sure it was a group trip but that he couldn't make the promise that if the group didn't work out that he wouldn't cancel the trip. i explained that it hurt me that he knew how hard the situation is for me and that he would choose to go anyway. he started crying again and i basically said that i would compromise myself. i said i would continue with our plan of me moving in with him in a few months even if later in the summer he ended up going on this trip. then i started crying. i feel like i'm compromising myself. but seeing him hurt kills me. and do i want to preemptively end this relationship over this? so i put on a happy face.
tonight he told me that he loves me very much, and that while he woudn't propose while i'm still in law school, that he wants to make me his wife after i graduate.
i'm so confused. am i in the wrong?

Hey there
If it makes u uncomfortable you had every right to tell the guy... i know what guy/girl friendships can be like and they can exist in their most honest form but it can be rare. for 2 of them to go on a trip alone is kind of odd, I have to admit. if they were EVER involved in any way beyond friends then you h ave every right to be totall against it. that's only something you can trust them when they tell you.... or through friends of theirs that would know for sure. But.. you dont' want to start looking like a possessive crazy girl either. Here's my advice. If you love him and you trust him.... that is key. If you believe him.... leave him to his friends and don't question it. But if you have any doubt in your mind .... that has to say something and it must be for a reason. try to talk to him again about it and hopefully neither of you will get upset ... that can cloud the discussion
hope that helps!
I keep seeing it's a matter of trust, but honestly I don't know if it's that easy. Yes, it's up to whether or not you can deal with their friendship however... my boyfriend recently told me that you stay away from trouble by not putting yourself into certain situations. And I think this is one of them. I trust my boyfriend and he trusts me. But I could definitely see an eyebrow being raised over going away on a trip alone with another guy. A group of people is one thing, but alone? And also, why aren't you being invited? Out of everything, that raises the most suspicion to me. I have male friends (and my bf has female friends) but if I was going anywhere with the guys, he would definitely be invited along. And I'm not saying we can't have separate friendships, but I want him to be a part of my life if it's possible...
At the end of the day, it's up to you and your comfort level. Just realize that whatever you choose to do is what you should stick with in fairness to your boyfriend. If you tell him it's ok, then make sure it is...
Keep us posted.
Hi daj,
Sorry, he shouldn't be camping alone with a female friend. Call me old-fashioned, but it's a bad idea. If he really loves you and wants to marry you, then he needs to pay attention to this situation. How would he feel if YOU went camping with a man...all by yourselves, "just friends"? If you were accepting of this friendship, then it would be different. I don't think you should have to accept it. I would have a hard time with it and trust and security has nothing to do with it.
As a friend of mine once said (whose husband eventually cheated on her) "He can have all the ugly female friends he wants." Although I'm sure she wouldn't have approved of him camping with even an ugly female friend.
It's one thing if you are all friends and you do group activities together and if SHE has boyfriends. Or even if he meets her for lunch occassionally.
Guess what I am doing this upcoming weekend? You guessed it, going backpacking alone with a very married man. We are going to be doing some bushwhacking, some severe hiking and also be wrestling with ice and snow, but not each other. I asked a bunch of other people if they wanted to go but only my friend and I want to attempt this difficult hike.
You see, married guy and me are crazy when it comes to the outdoors. His wife, not so much. She met him on a hiking trip and she understands his compunction for the great outdoors. Married guy and I will be in our own separate tents, we don't share.
Here is my suggestion for you...if you are concerned about this trip I suggest you learn to take up camping ASAP and have a good attitude about it. If there is nothing going on between the two of them both will feel the more people on the trip the merrier, as I do. You can join them and have some fun at the same time. Please don't pull the jealous girlfriend routine, that gets old very quickly and it may cost you your relationship.
On a side note, I have another male friend who's current girlfriend is DEMANDING he dump me as a platonic friend. I don't really care what he does but he has told her in no uncertain circumstances that Chamey won't be going anywhere.
Thanks everyone for your advice.
To clarify, I have never been camping before but have always wanted to try it. BF said he'll introduce me to it this summer but doesn't think in one summer I'd be prepared for the intense trip they go on (15 miles a day hiking 3 days in a row). I'm willing to do my best to learn and maybe I can be good enough to go on the trip too.
I think posters are right. No one is right or wrong in this situation. He and I are just incompatible on this point. We have agreed to do our best to try to meet in the middle. I'm going to do my best to get along with her and to get into the camping. And he will do his best to make sure there are others on the trip. If it turns out they can't get a group together and they go alone, I guess I'm going to have to be ok with it. Because the other poster was right. Even if she stripped her clothes off and danced around, I trust him and love him and I don't believe he'd act on anything. If he did, I know he would tell me after. So that's my mindset as of now.
good luck chanel!
Hello,
I don't think that you are in the wrong. My closest gf went through this with her bf. Here's the thing. If it hurts you then he shouldn't want to do ehatever it is that hurts you. That doesnt mean that he should end his friendship with her and that also doesnt mean that you should break up with him.
It depends on your level of commitment to each other. My friend battled this for a year and now her and her bf just bought a house together and his other female friend has not been around so much because they had a chat with her together. Mind you this "friend" was rude to my friend so that situation differs a little.
Why are you not going camping with them? Are you being included in the group? You shouldnt have to wait until your married to "in" with them. That's just not right. Suggest to your bf that you might be more comfortable if you share the time that they spend together-despite your differences. Maybe call her up and try to befriend her so that she knows your not intimidated by her --even if you are! It's all about perception. A lunch date with her might be what you need and I'm sure it would make your bf feel better.
Best to you!
Olivia_888
He's right, 45 miles over 3 days is not a backpack for a beginner. My guess is that your boyfriend just wants to be outdoors and have a good time. Maybe you can watch him assemble his pack, ask questions and learn. He'll appreciate your enthusiasm and you might think about the gear you need to acquire before the summer. Ask to see the TOPO map of the area he is going and let him explain his hiking plan.
Your interest level will have a profound and positive impact.