Boyfriend STILL online
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Boyfriend STILL online
| Mon, 02-02-2004 - 12:39pm |
My boyfriend and I MET on a personals website but we are seeing each other in PERSON. We DON'T have an online relationship. We go out/see each other about 3 times a week and talk on the phone at least every other night. I've met his family, he's met mine. He told me he loved me, I told him I loved him. Recently something urged me to look and see if his personals profile was still up on the site where we met. I looked and there it was and he had been active on the site within 24 hours of leaving my house, after spending the night....yes our relationship is now intimate. He's never given me any reason to think he's seeing anyone else. Anyway, I confronted him about his profile still being up and what I got from him was that he wasn't using it to find someone else, because he's happy with me but he left it up because he likes the attention of someone sending him e-mail through the site. He said when someone sends him e-mail through the site he'll LOOK to see who it is and read their profile. I told him that this bothered me. That I had removed mine when I knew we were serious. After the decision I waited a while and then looked to see if his profile was still there. It was! I thought I had made myself clear with him that I didn't like the idea of him making himself available on the site for people (let's get real...its women contacting him...not like he's online making friends) to e-mail him but after a week his profile is still up. If he doesn't think its a big deal what do you think I should do? Move on, demand it be removed, or perhaps put my profile back up and tell him its up (funny thing is he told me he wouldn't like my profile to be up and guys contacting me)....I liked the attention too but thought it was only right to remove it after we exchanged I Love You's! Help!

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Have you two agreed to exclusivity, out of curiosity? With my bf (who I also met online) when we agreed to be exclusive we also discussed and agreed to take down our profiles. To me, having an ad on a personals dating site is inconsistent w/ being exclusive b/c having a personal ad says to the world that you are available to date whoever comes along.
Anyway, I would tell him that you would like to be exclusive and have already taken down your profile, and would like him to do the same. If he balks, then I'd stop sleeping with him and seriously consider ending things, esp. depending on how long you've been dating. If he truly is keeping the ad just for fun, well, he can find another source of entertainment. If he's doing it b/c he's keeping one foot out the door, then I'd be very careful about continuing your involvement with him.
I would make it clear to him that you feel that being in a monogamous, committed relationship (if that's what you think you have!) is inconsistent with having profile up on a dating site.
A few years ago when I first did on line dating, my bf and I reconciled. I kept my profile up because I too liked the attention and I guess there was a part of me that wanted to keep the door slightly open although I never spoke to or met any of the men who wrote to me. I realized however that it was inconsistent with an exclusive relationship and I found ivillage as a result - which quenched my thirst for on line "friends" and contact but was of course 100% harmless/innocent because of its focus on women and it's specific prohibition on personal ads. Likewise, my on again off again bf (same guy!) posts a lot and reads a lot on a computer related message board - I am sure there is some flirting that goes on and maybe people even meet in person but I would have no issue if we became exclusive again and he wanted to continue. I never look at that board and he promised not to look at this one so I can feel free to discuss relationship issues in "private."
Despite the name, I think friendster is pretty much a singles/hooking up site...at least, that's how people I know who are on there use it, and didn't the fairly recent NYTimes article on online dating mention it as a singles site,
OK, so thats not the most honest way of doing things, but if he answers you'll have a general idea of what he's telling these women. And if he doesn't answer, well... thats good!
Talk to him, tell him the ad make you uncomfortable but don't play games please...
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