Boyfriend STILL online

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Boyfriend STILL online
14
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 12:39pm
My boyfriend and I MET on a personals website but we are seeing each other in PERSON. We DON'T have an online relationship. We go out/see each other about 3 times a week and talk on the phone at least every other night. I've met his family, he's met mine. He told me he loved me, I told him I loved him. Recently something urged me to look and see if his personals profile was still up on the site where we met. I looked and there it was and he had been active on the site within 24 hours of leaving my house, after spending the night....yes our relationship is now intimate. He's never given me any reason to think he's seeing anyone else. Anyway, I confronted him about his profile still being up and what I got from him was that he wasn't using it to find someone else, because he's happy with me but he left it up because he likes the attention of someone sending him e-mail through the site. He said when someone sends him e-mail through the site he'll LOOK to see who it is and read their profile. I told him that this bothered me. That I had removed mine when I knew we were serious. After the decision I waited a while and then looked to see if his profile was still there. It was! I thought I had made myself clear with him that I didn't like the idea of him making himself available on the site for people (let's get real...its women contacting him...not like he's online making friends) to e-mail him but after a week his profile is still up. If he doesn't think its a big deal what do you think I should do? Move on, demand it be removed, or perhaps put my profile back up and tell him its up (funny thing is he told me he wouldn't like my profile to be up and guys contacting me)....I liked the attention too but thought it was only right to remove it after we exchanged I Love You's! Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 12:54pm
I think it's time to be much more direct. The indirect approach of assuming that he will take down his profile if you say you love each other/tell him you don't like it hasn't worked.

Have you two agreed to exclusivity, out of curiosity? With my bf (who I also met online) when we agreed to be exclusive we also discussed and agreed to take down our profiles. To me, having an ad on a personals dating site is inconsistent w/ being exclusive b/c having a personal ad says to the world that you are available to date whoever comes along.

Anyway, I would tell him that you would like to be exclusive and have already taken down your profile, and would like him to do the same. If he balks, then I'd stop sleeping with him and seriously consider ending things, esp. depending on how long you've been dating. If he truly is keeping the ad just for fun, well, he can find another source of entertainment. If he's doing it b/c he's keeping one foot out the door, then I'd be very careful about continuing your involvement with him.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 12:58pm
I posted about this same thing just a couple weeks ago. I had taken mine down and we'd talked "in general" about this but some people have to be hit over the head. After posting here..I went back to him and basically said "Look,this bothers me alot". He told me the same thing..that he thinks it's fun and an "ego boost" to see who contacts him and even showed me his account to prove he does not contact them. I explained to him that this is a real issue for me and even though I trust him..I don't see a need for it and it's hurtful. Once he understood that he was really hurting my feelings..he pulled it off immediately and it has stayed off. He said he hadn't looked at it from my point of view. I'd say, if you make it clear that this is hurtful to your relationship and he still doesn't pull it...he's gone
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 3:44pm

I would make it clear to him that you feel that being in a monogamous, committed relationship (if that's what you think you have!) is inconsistent with having profile up on a dating site.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:06pm
Or, if he truly likes the getting emails part tell him to do something like friendster where the site is focused on friendship only.

A few years ago when I first did on line dating, my bf and I reconciled. I kept my profile up because I too liked the attention and I guess there was a part of me that wanted to keep the door slightly open although I never spoke to or met any of the men who wrote to me. I realized however that it was inconsistent with an exclusive relationship and I found ivillage as a result - which quenched my thirst for on line "friends" and contact but was of course 100% harmless/innocent because of its focus on women and it's specific prohibition on personal ads. Likewise, my on again off again bf (same guy!) posts a lot and reads a lot on a computer related message board - I am sure there is some flirting that goes on and maybe people even meet in person but I would have no issue if we became exclusive again and he wanted to continue. I never look at that board and he promised not to look at this one so I can feel free to discuss relationship issues in "private."

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:10pm

Despite the name, I think friendster is pretty much a singles/hooking up site...at least, that's how people I know who are on there use it, and didn't the fairly recent NYTimes article on online dating mention it as a singles site,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 6:31pm
Ooops - was that the one? My mistake - I've never even signed on. I thought there was a new one that was focused on friendships but maybe the thing to do is to join an interest based site as opposed to a meeting people site.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 6:45pm
If you really want to test him, make another (fake) profile and send him a message. See if he answers you and the kinds of things he says if he does.


OK, so thats not the most honest way of doing things, but if he answers you'll have a general idea of what he's telling these women. And if he doesn't answer, well... thats good!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 6:57pm
Only if she's prepared to end things when he finds out she tried to entrap him and deceive him. Yuk
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 11:53pm
i am really scared now. i just met a guy through yahoo. he's 23. he's been having unprotected sex with me and joking about me getting pregnant. see, the thing is, i have genital herpes and he knows it. he says he really just wants to settle down, and doesn't want me on the personals anymore,yet he stays on-all the time. if i'm not at his house with him, he's either talking on the computer with someone else or on the phone. i know he's met some of them too, even taken their money! It sounds like you and i are in a extremely coincidental situation. especially if we're talking about ny. hopefully it's not the same guy(if it is, its lesson time!) if not maybe we can talk about how we're both feeling. i am extremely depressed and confused about whats going on. please email me evakilpatrick@yahoo.com so you and i can talk further. ya know i always thoughht internet dating was supposed to be for those serious about relationships, now i'm thinking its a scam to get several girls into bed at once.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 6:59am
Yep... I agree here. Don't try to entrap people ever. It always seems to backfire on the one who's trying to do it. Plus if he ever found out what you were doing and he really was just getting his ego fed, it would destroy trust in your relationship.

Talk to him, tell him the ad make you uncomfortable but don't play games please...

 

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