Break up from a guy's point of view
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 10:43pm |
I not sure how many men have written about their breakups on this message board, but I would like to share my very recent breakup experience.
My girlfriend of 7 months decided about 2 weeks ago that she couldn't have a romantic relationship with me anymore and that at this point in her life, she needs me as a friend. Throughout the 7 months with her I must say that it was an intense relationship, we fell deeply in love and connected on so many levels in that we understood each other so well. We had met through a mutual friend at one if his solo gigs, where we each went up and did a song in the fashion of an open mic setting. That was our first connection, that we are both muscians. After our first date, I realized she was the best thing that ever happened to me and she was the one for me. I was never so comfortable with any other woman as I was with her where I would tell her whatever my heart felt. We kept a pact to just be open and keep it real and say what we feel about anything to each other. Our backgrounds are very similar as well as we are both in our early 30's. She always made me feel very special, by complementing me on my looks and letting me know how wonderful I was to her. She had confessed that her past relationships did not go so well, some abusive even.
I met her at a point where she was going through a career change. She was sick of the corporate world and decided to pursue her love of music therapy where she is now matricualted in a Master's program. I always let her know that I would always be in her corner and support 110% with her endevours. I also told her how much I admired her for what she was doing. I also knew that she would be under a lot of pressure being that the program is intense, but I would still be there for her. My undergraduate degree is in Psychology so that furthered my understanding of what she was going through with her studies.
Our intimate side was with the most passion and love I had ever experienced. Then, about two months ago I notice a change where love making was not occuring as much as it had been before. I just attributed that to both of us being tired from our day jobs/school and that she was under a great amount of stress from school. It turned out that it wasn't the only reason.
At the evening of the breakup, we met at a public place and she began to tell me what was going on. Before meeting her that evening, I had a gut feeling that there was something wrong since we hadn't seen each other the entire week before, but I had not fully prepared for it. I was in shock and extremely hurt by her words, but I was in no capacity to get angry at her. She had gone through a couple of bad/abusive experiences before and that was the factor in our dimished sex life. She also came to realize that she didn't know what it was to be alone and not having anyone to depend on or use as a "crutch" in her words, she always had someone. She pointed out that I am a very giving person where I will devote all my energies to someone in need, "the broken wing" syndrome she called it and that I shouldn't be so giving and allow to receive. I agreed with her because that's the type of person I am. She wants me to pursue my dreams as well, of going back to school and continue work in Psychology, developing my photography, and my other interests and passions. In a nutshell, she deems that among other things she is battling personally, the relationship would get in the way. Time and space is what we need in her eyes. I know it must have been one of the hardest things she had ever done and I thanked her greatly for her honesty.
It was heartbreaking because of so many things that we experienced in the relationship, we were making plans for the future, talked about marriage, met each others families and even lived in each other's apartments. I developed such a great closeness and comfort level with her that to have that end abruptly just sucked part of my life away.
I've always been adamant where if a relationship ends, there is nothing else left, not even friendship. But, I wanted to make it different with her because I still want her in my life and she wants that of me as well. So we decided as such.
We both love each other and care for each other very much. We met again at the tail end of the following weekend so I could tell her my thoughts that were running through my mind during the week prior and the realization that I came to. I reaffirmed all those things, but I also hoped that one day we could get back together and make this work again. That was my heart talking and I needed to let her know what I was feeling. She told me that she couldn't say yes nor could she say no to that, but that had put her under some sort of pressure that would not allow her to be alone like she wants to, like she has to do for herself.
We have not seen each other in a week, but have spoken over the phone and communicated over email, as friends. She achieved what she wanted, which is having me just being a friend and I do feel that she needs to be on her own and concentrate on her career goals, as well as deal with those personal issues. She told me that if I were to start seeing someone else she wouldn't be ready to hear it. I wouldn't be ready to hear that from her either. If she did start seeing someone it would completely crush me, and also shows that she was never strong enough to be alone, and/or, I would perceive it as that I wasn't good enough for her. I told her that if she has those urges then to look upon me first because I'll be there.
I am not interested in seeing anyone else. I miss her too much. It's been two weeks and I have my fade ins and outs of sadness and loneliness. Right now is a busy time for her being that finals are around the corner. We are both going to have some time off for the holidays and we have projects to work on together that we promised each other would come to fruition. I know she'll always be there for me as I will for her, but it's hard because I would like the relationship even if it brings storms to weather, to be alive again. All I know is that I'm still in love with her and that I love her very much and I want her to succeed in all she wishes to accomplish academically and professionally, but I still want to be that special person in her life as she is still mine in my heart.
I have coped by keeping a journal, as well as trying to concentrate on furthing MY personal goals. I know I can share all these things with her, but there is still that empty part of me that longs for her. I know she did what she had to do, not just for herself but for me as well, for us. I think if she hadn't told me then things would have gotten worse. On the flip side, I believe that if two people love each other so much, then they can tackle anything that's thrown in their direction and emerge stronger together. I know, 7 months may not seem very long in linear thinking, but a lot happened in those 7 months.
What else can I do?

First, let me say I found your description of your feelings for this woman very lovely and well-articulated.
Start
Jilly, thanks so much for taking the time to read about my situation. I feel like I'm in limbo right now, but I guess I'll make it through this. Besides it's not like I've never been in these depths before (only one other time) and I'm trying to reflect on what I went through back then to try to help me cope. I also wanted to add that it was also very painful for her to do this, a lot of emotions poured out from her, while I remained numb, which I guess was shock at the time. I just wanted her to realize that after all the other relationships she's had, I'm one who dosen't drink, do drugs, or is verbally or physically abusive. I'm not saying that they all must've been bad, but I think I was like a refuge as you put it, and perhaps the best thing that came along her way. The thing I'm not sure about is if she really is not in love with me anymore. When we got together after the fact, she did say how difficult it was for her to be in each other's prescense and my reply was that it was an adjustment we had to go through. You're right though, we've been keeping communication to a minimum, and it makes me think about her less, and I'm also working on going back for a graduate degree. I still think of her though.
Thanks again Jilly.