Break Up or Make Up
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| Thu, 12-15-2005 - 9:39am |
My BF and I have been seeing each other for only a few months. He suffers from ED and at first he told me it had been awhile for him being in a relationship, etc. Well, things haven't gotten any better and last weekend he got very upset, frustrated and angry at himself. He told me that he thought we shouldn't do this anymore and then told me he just didn't have those feelings for me and maybe we should just be friends.
We talked the next day and I suggested that he see a dr. As far as our relationship, he stated that we should just chill. He's been out of town and has called me 2x a day and acts like nothing happened or changed. As for me, I'm very hurt. I don't know if what he said about his feelings for me was out of anger and frustration or if he really meant them. I plan on talking with him this weekend. Even if he didn't mean it, I don't know if I can get over it. I was hoping for the "L" word not this. Thanks.

You're taking this way too personally.
You're thinking if you're just attractive enough or whatever that he'll not have this physical issue to contend with. So you're taking his physical condition personally - as if it is your fault.
I know you think you're not - but why else are you insistent on trying to make a 2 month infatuation period liason work - that has no sexual compatibility.
HE has a physical problem. IF he's refusing to address it with his physician - the problem will remain. The only way then to avoid this as a "hot spot" would be to avoid sex entirely - simply have the extent and level of physical contact he's comfortable with regarding kissing and hugging and that's it.
That way he doesn't have to address his problem......and until he does there's certainly no potential solution.
So ask yourself if that is what you're wanting. A relationship where he refuses to address his sexual physical issue, and emotional one as well. Where you're having a sexless relationship, and almost a non-existent physical relationship - where you live like brother and sister.
Because that's what you're attemptng to recreate -taking his physical problem personally as if it is an indicator of your worth or attractiveness.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
First, let's get it all sorted thru.
Infatuation is "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself, I can't get enough of your attention".
So feelings which are not facts, goals, calls to action, or tools of cognition - are the primarily prioritized result of meeting someone new, that you find attractive, and vice versa and there is interaction.
That'll go over a long period of time of unstructured interaction to "I admire, respect, accept, and understand the values you hold, the standards you've set for yourself - and that is evident in your actions, decisions, and words." It goes from "I like how you make me feel about me" - to its a pleasure and privilege to be affiliated in any way with someone of your caliber and character.
He's not there yet - there's not been near enough time to establish that level of knowledge of one another an rapport.
There is no correlation between quantity and quality of time spent together. With one exception - generally of the 100% time you spend together once you've ceased infatuation which is all designed to do nothing but impress nad please one another.........about 5-7% of it will be "quality moments".
So if you spend only 48 hours a week together, and some of it sleeping....there is very little quality time to get to know this person as they really are, and have deeper levels of conversation.
The man doesn't 'feel' a particular thing about you - becuase he doesn't "think" a particular thing about yuou. You can't have a feeling - without a thought.
He's got a situation on his hands that means he is going to have a hard time establishing a positive emotional association pattern with you - because sexuality is a great part of attraction, and it is a huge part of initial interaction in dating, and it is a vital apart of relationship interaction as well.
And the man cannot 'perform"......sexually and he's not addressing that with a physician. So he has no cure in sight nor is none sought......and you continue to claim with your words here one thing "I admire and respect his character, it's a privilege to affiliate, I love him as he is and want the best for him as he determines it to be".....
And yet you continue to want some type of sexual interaction, or some type of activity such as kissing or foreplay or any type of romantic gesture, words or interlude that indicate you two have more than a "sibling" relationship.
That'snot "respecting" his lack of willingness to admit and address the problem logically. That is exacerbating hsi feelings about having ht eproblem at all.
That is you trying to force him to address the problem.....thinking if you two culd have sex, he'd get "feelings" about you.
Not so.
It's not "because we can't have a good sex life he can't develop feelings about me".....nd it's not "because he hasn't got feeling for me he has this sexual problem".
It's he has a sexual dysfunction problem at a physical level which he refuses to admit to or address. therefore he has no way to bond with you in a sexual capacity or involve in any type of romantic or exual interaction -whiich is necessary for people to do if they're in a 'romantic relationship'.
And you two don't have a romantic relationship because he can't physically - and because he doesn't have those feelings for you. IT's TWO SEPARATE ISSUES.
If you think curing the sexual problem would fix it you're likely wrong. If he would admit to and address the problem successfully - he'd probably be out dating and sleeping with any number of women which is what he's wanted to do and can't up to the pint he "addresses the sexual problem".
Most owmen don't want a "brother" for a mate....and that is what you're proposing. And you keep pushing "romantic' type interaction to show him you have more feelings than brotherly/sisterly love. That exacerbates his negativity about his sexual problem, and about sex itself and whatever his sexual issues are.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I totally understand why you'd be upset that your boyfriend told you he "just didn't have those feelings for you."
Start
Yes you do need to talk about it. It sounds like he is angry and frustrated for sure but the two of you need to clear the air. It's only been a couple of months so don't necessarily expect the l word but you do want to get a true reading of the situation.
good luck.