Breaking free from a taken woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Breaking free from a taken woman
3
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 8:41am
My x g/f moved in with another man a month after I broke up with her. We started talking again on the internet and she said he was abusive and that she loved me still. She has lived with him now for 14 months and we have gotten to the point where I told her to come and live with me and even that I would come and get her as she said she has phobias of going anywhere alone now and is getting counseling for that there. I assured her I would get her counseling and she needs to get away from him if he is abusing her emotionally. She has insisted that if I loved her I would come get her and also that she knows and trust me. After I told her I am coming she told me she is confused and can not leave as he is behaving better to her and showing her his love for her now and she can not deal with the guilt of hurting him if she leaves him since he needs her and is like a child and does not know better. She also told me she loves me and wants to be with me and find happiness as she is miserable there without me. I told her then she needs to be with me and leave and I understand she does not want to hurt him but she is hurting me everyday she stays and shares her life with him now instead of with me and that if she truly loves me and believes in us, then she will be able to weather some guilt at leaving him to find happiness for herself and end the daily misery her and I have by not being together now. She insist now that I am pushing her and should be willing to wait until she is ready and understand she is a caring person and can not cause him any pain or suffering and that he has changed for her and because of her and needs her. I told her that she can only have one man in her life as this is killing me daily that she shows her love for him is more important than her love for me and herself. I told her it is ok but to stop telling me that she only wants me and that she is miserable there and she does not love him like she does me and that she will be with me but needs to finish her counseling so she is stronger for me first and is afraid if she leaves he will be hurt so badly and she can not live with the guilt of causing anyone pain other than herself. I have tried to explain that by causing her pain and suffering by taking care of him she is now causing me the same pain and suffering as it is not her it is us. I have told her if she chooses to be with him and put her relationship with him then let me go. She replies that if I can not wait for her to feel better about things then I can go but she will always love me and wants to always talk so that when she is ready and if I am available she can come and be with me. I told her today it does not matter that she is not married to him what her and I have is an affair now and we need to end it by either her being able to take on some guilt for hurting the man she tells me abuses her and has taken her self-esteem away and made her afraid to even go outside alone and need counseling, (she told me she has not told the councilors of the abuse only that she has fears of going out alone and they are working on that), and her coming to be with me so that we can build a life together, or she needs to understand she really does not love me and I am some kind of fantasy to her that is now feeding her some happiness but also misery and that I am part of this and I am lonely always and miserable loving her while she focuses her daily energies upon another man and relationship, and let me go free of this. I feel emotionally trapped by her placing love then guilt upon me and her saying get me, save me, then that she is confused and a nice person who can not hurt the guy even though she claims what they have is not love. I told her it is simple you and you can only choose to spend your daily life with one man and that she chooses that to be him every day she stays and she must accept that and that I must now leave for both of us so that she may find happiness with who she chooses to be with daily when she could be with me and so that I am no longer hostage to her telling me she is miserable there and loves me and wants to be with me not there but then also that she can not leave there. I did today send an email to her saying: A taken women having an affair knows it is wrong and therefore feels guilt. I know it is wrong to have an affair with a taken woman and so there is pain and it can not work out. I am ending this affair. If you are truly ever abused and need help here is my phone #. Hugs and my name..... then I deleated and blocked her email addies and erased msn msgr and yahoo. She sent an e mail but I did not read it and erased it . Does this seem the right thing to do as I do still love her and can feel her in my head still saying she loves me and I am not willing to wait on her and understand her needs and therefore I do not love her and am leaving her again. (she lives 3,000 miles away now with this guy)

Am I doing the right thing and has she just been manipulating me to keep me available to shore up the holes in her life ?


Edited 10/25/2004 8:47 am ET ET by geoaquanaut

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:01am
Take it from me (a woman) - she's using you a leverage to improve her relationship with the other guy. You are being put on the back burner in case things don't work out. Let time and distance bring this whole situation into clearer focus. You'll see more clearly every day. Good luck.
Sopal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:07am
geoaquanaut...

Pianoguy thinks YOU are "treading on dangerous ground" here! Two reasons:

1. The girl sounds like a borderline psychotic. This basically means...she'll change her mind about you, anybody, or anything at the drop of a hat. Her mood swings have probably messed her up in the past?

2. If you DID travel the 3,000 miles to pick her up...how long would it take before SHE started communicating with her 'abusive b/f' or somebody new? Soooo....

If you value YOUR SANITY...don't you DARE make the trip!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:13am
Thanks

I do see the logic in what I am hearing. My head tells me all of this is true and my heart tells me if she loved me she would not be "confussed" and would have jumped at the chance to be here with me since she is not married and only has a year of history with the guy. I need to close the door so that I do not hear her excuses and let her manipulate me anymore into feeling guilty or somehow responsible for not loving her, and understanding her. I need to accept it is her choice simply to be there still. I was married once for five years and my x wife cheated and we ended up divorcing and I have been only involved with this woman since then as I have been pretty guarded since I was divorced in 1987, so perhaps that is why I am so vulnerable to her.