Breaking up is hard to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Breaking up is hard to do
6
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:23pm
Please help....

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. I met him while I was in Australia. He then came over to Canada to be with me. Since he's been here it took him months to find a job and then he bought a used car which broke down. He's put serious financial strain on me as well as emotional strain. We fight quite frequently and disagree on various things from simple (like what movies to rent) to the big (women doing jobs that only men should according to him and the like). Anyway...I decided I had had enough last week but then my brother convinced me that maybe it was just a rut that we were in and because of the financial strains I was feeling stressed. So I decided to give things another go....then my boyfriend moved out (we were living at my parents and thought this might relieve some tension)....turned out the house he moved to was a crackhouse....so we got him out of there and now I've just decided I can't take it anymore and we'd broken up and then he writes me a letter telling me why he's so emotionally unstable, etc...his father had raped his sister when he was 20 and he wasn't there to stop it...then his mother died and he wasn't there to say good bye. I feel badly as I did not know this but should I take him back? I feel like it's like looking after a two year old because he just makes wrong decisions constantly, but I feel badly cause he has nothing to go back to in Australia and nothing here if I dump him....plus he once tried to commit suicide a couple years ago and was quite nearly successful! I do still love him but I just don't know if I'm strong enough to handle all this emotional strain.

Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:47pm
No, I do not think you should take him back. Staying in a relationship because you feel sympathy for someone is not healthy. Give him encouragement to stay in Canada if he has nothing to go back to in Australia and doesn't want to go back. He needs to figure out for himself how to support himself and make himself well enough to be happy - and nobody can do that for him or give him that if he can't do it for himself. Don't give him any more financial support, don't get back together with him. Do tell him you are his friend and are there to listen to him when he needs it - if you feel emotionally strong enough to do this. What he really needs is a good therapist to help him deal with his past - so if there is a way to suggest this to him or point him in the direction of him, that would be a good idea.

He is not stable enough to have a relationship with anyone. You will only be enabling him to remain irresponsible and dependent if you get back together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 6:29pm
Word of Caution: NEVER SAVE A DROWNING MAN, YOU COULD GO DOWN WITH HIM!

Regardless of his issues, it is NOT your problem. He needs to get a grip and be a man then do something about it to heal. You need to keep as much distance as feasible from him and heal yourself. Stay away from him and do not buy into his drama; it could suck you alive!!

Enjoy and cherish your life, it's all you've got! Let me know what happens!

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 8:50am
Thank you for your messages.

My boyfriend has gone out to Alberta now. I put him on a plane yesterday. I thought I was meant to feel some sense of relief but all I feel is overwhelming sadness. I still love him so much. I feel like him being on his own out there may help him get some sort of sense of responsibility. Do you think that if he gets things together there's a chance we could work things out? All I can think right now is that I want him back. I suppose in time it might pass I don't know. Easter is in three weeks and I'm thinking about going out there to visit him. Is this a bad idea??
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:46am
A heroin addict wants their fix - will feel temporarily better after they've injected themselves. But that doesn't mean that continuing to use drugs and be an addict is a good thing. Get the analogy?

While your b/f sounds like he's had a traumatic past, he is simply using his misfortune as an excuse to justify his behavior. A healthy person uses whatever negative life experiences they've had, in a positive way. An unhealthy person points at those same experiences as an excuse to be a dyfunctional person who doesn't take responsibility for their actions.

Love and a good relationship are not mutually exclusive. Learn from this relationship and move on.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 10:36am
It is hard to let go when you feel like you love someone. But love is not enough, hon. Your love can't "fix" him and it can't magically erase the problems in your relationship.

I don't doubt that your ex-bf has serious emotional problems from experiences in his past. He needs to deal with those issues through therapy. But it also sounds like he is hiding behind his past to avoid being responsible today, and that includes treating you as you should be treated.

Let him lead his own life, and hopefully he will choose to get the help he needs. You already tried to help him and you see that didn't work. Love him and YOURSELF enough to let this go. Yes, you will miss him and grieve for a while. But you WILL get over it. We have all been there. In time, you will find a healthier, happier relationship and you will see the enormous difference it makes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 12:28pm
Hey all...

I wanted to say thank you for your replies to my message. It's helped to know that other people think I made the right decision. My boyfriend is gone and it's only been a week. I've probably cried less since he left than I did when he was here. I'd been trying to lose weight for a while and I'd even been doing a running clinic and although I'd looked like I'd lost weight I hadn't...he's been gone a week and already I've lost 6 pounds! The first couple days after he left I was pretty upset but those feelings have started to subside as I've had time to reflect on our relationship. I feel much better about myself already and much happier.

Thank you so much for your support:)