Breakup - a big mistake?
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Breakup - a big mistake?
| Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:36am |
My boyfriend of a year and I recently broke up. He said that there was something missing and he was "unhappy". I tell you - I had no idea. He was always happy and friends have told us we were happy together. Before we began dating, he ended a 7 year relationship and called off a wedding b/c of the same reason. My boyfriend and I began our relationship about 4 months after that ordeal - we met on a blind date. We have taken each step of the way slowly and toghether. As he was ending things - he commented that he thinks this is what he has to do, to protect himself and not to lead me on. I told him he has to KNOW! I told him he was making a big mistake and then I thought about it - he was in love with me and scared of that? I'm hurting here deeply. He was EVERYTHING I ever wanted in a man. This came about totally unexpectedly. I can not be ANGERY with him b/c he has been so wonderful until this point. He wants to remain friends but I told him you have to give me time to think about it. Please why? Why do men do this? He cares for me deeply and I do love him (which I told him for the first time as we were breaking up). I don't want to loose such a good thing.

Thanks for your thoughts and advice. I think I am having a hard time right now because there is no "definate" answers. Everything was I think I am doing the right thing and I don't know what is missing.
I truly believe that he has issues dealing with feelings and letting them go naturally. Perhaps he was hurt at a younger age, I don't know. But he has had 2 relationships in his life and they both ended the SAME way. The only difference we were not engaged to be married like he was with the first one.
I am feeling so empty inside. Almost like I feel lost with out his companionship. I just want to pick up the phone and hear his voice. I know I can not and have to "learn" to be strong, but I feel so weak inside.
I must agree with you that he has a lot going on in his life as well as myself (individually), but we have always worked through them toghether.
Someone told me that he will begin to miss me and realize what a mistake he made and things will change. I don't want to hope on that because I will only let myself down more.
I just can't shake the emptiness, lonliness and humiliation.
Lean on friends. Pursue your interests. Work on yourself. Take the time to be a little selfish here...you deserve the TLC.
Good luck.
We are both exhausted with our emotions. But if he has this doubt now, how will I ever truly believe that the doubt went away. I do love him dearly and b/c I love him, I'm willing to let him go. Something that I don't think I have ever done to be honest with you. I just don't want to ever HATE him for being so wonderful to me. He told me that I have been more than he could have ever asked for and he is greatful to have me to have touched his life. (holding back these tears here).
I am looking forward to starting a life. He said I will make someone so happy one day. He knows that and he has always been happy with me, its something with him that he is unhappy about and its not fair to either him or me to "lead" us in a direction where we can't go. He said he feels he should be in love with me at this point and isn't. I replied, what is love Mark. He said he should be able to say - I just know she is the one. I said - I have always been afraid of when people say you just know, because I don't know what it is you know either. And am afraid I may never know or push someone away and realize it was them.
I think after all this I will come out of this as a "expert" on pain managment and perhaps relationships. I ordered a book today called the Girl's guide to surviving a break-up. I figured I would need some beach reading. I think I will just keep myself thinking I will be OK and that it was NOT me and that I have so much to offer myself and the world that one day I will find total and complete happiness and I just can't keep living in a box and need to get OUT and explore the world and the possibilities.
Reading your post took me back 6 months to my break up. I went through exactly the same thing except my boyfriend was 32 not 28! He told me the same thing that he would just know when it was the right thing and he also broke up with his ex (before me) for the same reason!
He also told me he doesn't love me like I love him!! So.... our situations are almost identical. It's a tough road ahead for you I won't lie, but I'm still here and so will you be. I also agreed to be friends with him, not because I really wanted friendship (I wanted the relationship!) but because I couldn't imagine not talking to him again. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my body and I couldn't think how to get it back.
Anyways, 6 months on and I have finally let go. At the beginning of last month I told him not to contact me again. It was so hard talking to him and still having feelings for him and knowing that he didn't feel the same way! So I sent him an email telling him how I felt and asking him not to contact me again. I can tell you it was the best thing I could have done, but I could not have done it before then because I just wasn't ready.
So my advice to you is to do what you have to do to get through the day and eventually you will get stronger and realise that you're worth more and that someone will be lucky to be with you! After all this time I have recently met a wonderful guy who is so excited to be with me and treats me like a princess which I feel I deserve AND SO DO YOU!
Good luck, please keep us informed!
Hi
Well, I know you don't want to hear this but he's doing you a favor by leveling and admitting that he's not sure what he wants. This is obviously a pattern for him and nothing you can do can change it. Only he can change it. Of course this is hurtful and shocking - you need to be able to express all your emotions, get as much feedback from him as you need for closure. But as for not wanting to lose such a good thing
At this point, I'm trying to keep my mind of things. I went to Target last night and bought paper towels, water etc (things I really don't need), but needed to keep my mind free and stop thinking about him.
I just want it to be gone at this point (the emotions). I am having a hard time concentrating at work and wish I could just take a few days to myself, but don't want my personal life effecting my professional life (no one knows here in the office what happened).
Today - its total emptiness. Yesterday was sadness. Tomorrow..who knows. All I know is that I am getting through all this and will be stronger and things happen for a reason. I am glad it happened now and not a year from now, when I really start expecting more. He does have a committment issue (not that he will ever admit). I love him dearly, enough to let him go COMPLETELY.
I feel like writing and reading your thoughts helps A LOT TOO! Its like diary, only one that gives you advice back, which are the best kind.
My biggest fear is not being able to TRUST or GIVE myselft to someone else in the future (more in an emotional sense). I had to learn to TRUST him and wow, that took time (b/c of a previous relationship I had). I just think back to all the effort I keep putting up and would love the same in return one day.
Brandy