Breakup w/rebound hurts worse! Why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Breakup w/rebound hurts worse! Why?
3
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:29pm
After a breakup about 4 months ago with my live-in boyfriend of 4 years, I recently started dating online and IRL. There was one guy who I had about a 2 month relationship with. (I posted about him before on here). Anyway, I am totally busted up over the end of the rebound relationship. Worse than the break up with my ex. Anyone have any ideas on this. I'm at a loss, but I know there has to be some reason why. I know it's not because I was more in love with the new ex than the old ex. I hardly knew him. I need help making sense of this, so that I can stop feeling so destroyed over the jerk. And actually grieve for my old ex, the one who deserves my tears, the one who I know I really loved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:29pm
I posted to your other post, but I had another thought: maybe the breakups have compounded and you are really grieving for two relationships. Sometimes new wounds open up the barely scarred over old wounds.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 9:14pm

It's because you weren't over your ex. I've had this happen a couple times--been devastated over a rebound breakup, but it's totally because you're really not done mourning the earlier relationship.

That's why, tempting as it is to start dating again right away, I really try to force myself not to these days. The pain of the breakup is bad enough--I don't want to go through the extra pain that's caused by having a rebound break up.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 12:16am

Dear NW,

I think the other posters are right...you are mourning both relationships. I was in a divorce recovery program last year. One of the men in our group had a twenty + year marriage breakup rather abruptly and with little information from his wife about why. He jumped immediately into an intense nine month relationship with another woman. When she terminated the relationship he was completely devastated...much more seriously at this point than when his wife dumped him. He did come to realize that in the lengthy marriage he had emotionally merged with his partner and the disolution of that relationship more or less left his soul torn and unravelling. The new partner and the early intenseness of the relationship was like gauze on the fresh wounds...when she terminated the relationship it ripped not only the healing flesh but healthy flesh, too, causing deep pain. He had gotten a lot better by the time I met him...he was a facilitator of the divorce recovery program and made a point of doing a lot of singles things but not really one on one dating. In the program they said you need about one year of recovery for every five years of relationship. Hope this helps.
Babsie