Bretrayed...how to move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Bretrayed...how to move on
7
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 9:58am
I have recently found out that my best friend & my lover had a "kissing session" while he drove her back home....It had been a great fun night out for all of us. The next day I had a very strong feeling that something had gone on....Though we have been friends for more then 15 years, she is in a long term relationship, we have gone through rainy days & good days together...I have always trusted her. ( The lover holds 50% responsibility...and he is out of my life )

To some, this is just a kiss... she says "she is very sorry...It did not mean anything...She is not even atracted to him"...I still feel deeply hurt and betrayed. In my mind we have passed the stage in our lives where we should know better ( we are both in our 30's ) And I feel it was a very selfish act, looking for instant gratification on her part...

I know our friendship will survive this - ( not the lover... )I expected more from her because of our history together and our strong bond!

MY QUESTION is how do you move on? HOW do you get passed this...Right now I told her I need a break from our friendship - At the same time I feel like we are teenagers all over again over a boy & a kiss!!!

Let me know your thoughts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 7:07pm
Going to give you my thoughts because I had something similar happen to me. I was seeing a guy that I really liked and one day I left work early because I was sick and my 'best friend' went outside (it was a hospital) to tell him that I had left. He offered to take her home since he was already there. She went. Next day I find out from another that they shared a 'hot kiss'. Anyhow, I dumped him and kept her as my friend because I thought she was worth keeping. I was wrong. I started seeing another guy a few years later and we used to double date with her and her boyfriend. One day she came to my house and told me she was pregnant and I asked her what her boyfriend thought and she said he was mad. I told her to get rid of him if he's going to be a jerk about it. She told me he was mad because the baby was my boyfriends baby. That was betrayal of the worst kind because she had sworn up and down when she kissed my first boyfriend that it would never happen again. Needless to say, that was the last day I talked to her and my boyfriend. For all that, he didn't even stay with her... it was a fling and he ran when she announced to him he was to be a dad. It has been many years since then but I would tell you to be careful, if your friend kissed your lover, don't put it past her to do it again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:46am
Hi there.

This situation sucks whichever way you look at it. I'm sorry this happened to you. here is my two cents...

I think that your friend is no friend at all. If she would do that to you, the friendship is not really worth saving. What makes me so angry about the whole situation is what she said, "it meant nothing. I'm not even attracted to him." Is that supposed to make you feel better!?!? Basically, what she's saying is: she hurt you so badly for NOTHING. She didn't even CARE about this guy; but the thought that you might be hurt didn't even faze her in the moment. It sucks badly enough when a friend falls in love with your SO and betrays you; but at least it's understandable if they want them so badly.

This girl obviously only cares about herself. I'd say to her "so, this NOTHING kiss with my boyfriend meant more to you than not hurting me. I guess this is goodbye."

Well, there you have it. Sorry, I know it's a strong opinion and very easy for me to type because I'm not the one faced with the decision of carrying it out. Please tell us what you decide. I wish you the best of luck!

-Sugar

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:14pm
Well lifelong friends dont come along to often....so good for you for trying to keep it together.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 10:55am
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts on my situation....I am surprise in general on how many people are "unforgiving"...At this point in time, I am not talking to her letting time pass...and don't know when I will be able to communicate with her again.

I am waiting for my lover to get back from Europe to let him know my thoughts...And like someone was telling me - Giving up 15 years of friendship over this womanizer, it will give him power over this situation...

...THANKS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 11:14am
Honestly her betrayal is worse than that of your lover. I wouldn't have her as a friend anymore. She's clearly demonstrated that she doesn't respect you, that she feels entitled to do whatever she likes no matter whom it hurts and at her age (30's) she should be more mature and have better respect for her friends than this. You let the lover go, I'd do the same to this so called "friend".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 11:17am
Well your "15 yr" friendship should have been in her mind. I put more emphasis on her betrayal than his. It's not about being unforgiving...its about the fact she didn't think twice of putting your 15 year friendship on the line to share a kiss with someone she didn't even find attractive. Says alot about her character.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 11:34am
I am sorry, but if you dumped him, you should dump her too. She betrayed you also. She will do it again. Do not trust her.

I think too often we cut our women friends too much slack. We accept behavior from them that we would dump any guy for. Why? Why take dirt from your girlfriends, if you wouldn't take it from the men in your life? Trust me, women can hurt you just as bad as any man out there can.