Bringing up inability to have children!
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| Wed, 05-17-2006 - 7:24pm |
The title is not accurate, but the post is even more complicated. I really, really need your help, everybody!!!
I am 33, and do want to have children; yet, since there is history of mental illness in my family that can have hereditary nature, I am not sure it’s advisable to have my own, biological children. Now, the question is how to talk about that to a potential partner, especially when, with online dating, men tend to bring that up (at least with me) in the early stages of dating (date 2-4). Here is some background, if you need it: according to various studies/websites, my children will have 6 % chance of developing schizophrenia, and that only when my partner has no known family history of mental illness.
Now, this is only with one immediate relative (brother/sister in this case) developing a psychosis. In my family the story is more complicated than that. My brother committed suicide – he had a shcizoaffective disorder: a socially debilitating and, in his case, degenerative condition combining the symptoms of a major catatonic (meaning that during his episodes. he stopped eating, talking, reacting to verbal or sensory stimuli) depression with mild schizophrenia; my grand mother had been hospitalized numerous times for major depression; she also had, what I think is, a borderline personality – paranoia, difficulties trusting others, etc., etc.; her sister had a bipolar disorder.
The reason I am sharing all this info is that I don’t exactly know what to make of it myself (obviously the 6 % chance is going to be higher, given the extended history of mental illness in my family) and, to complicate things further, I don’t know how to share all this with a person I am dating without sending them running. They might think that I am also at danger of developing a mental condition, which is actually not true. At this age, and given the numerous stressors in my life that could have triggered depression and/or psychosis, but didn’t. In the span of two years I lost my much loved mother to cancer, and my brother, whom I was exceptionally close to, and I also broke up with a partner of almost 8 years, and had another break up with a boyfriend of 6 months -- so, I am very unlikely to develop any of these things… at least according to a psychiatrist I consulted…He said I was very resilient, can handle crisis well, etc. But it is still difficult to share all this without sounding like a nutcase. Yet, these men do ask me : “So, do you want to have children?” (or how many do you want) and I feel compelled to say something…
Of course this whole thing is not well researched: some scholars believe that mental illness is a combination of hereditary and environmental factors (in other words, upbringing, supportive family environment, good socialization, etc. are as important as good genes). To complicate things further, no genetic testing is really available as of now, it just empirical data that shows that mental illness tends to run in families, when it comes to schizophrenia and/or bi-polar or depression (from what I have researched…)
Nevertheless, my feelings is that I need to be honest about the complicated issues surrounding my choice to have (or not have?) my own biological children and I do think my partners should be aware of this. Think of it as some reproductive problem (although, to be honest – and without trying to play victim here – I think it is more complicated than that, due to the stigma attached to mental illness), what would you recommend? Also, based on my rambling post (and I do apologize for its length) do you think I am overthinking all of this? Should I just wait to know the person, and then share my fears? Yet, I don’t want to develop feeling for someone and then feel rejected for things I have no control over (and what is worse, they might think I misled them)
I would really, really appreciate your input!!!! Thanks!

Two things...
First, I'd try to nip it in the bud, before you get to 'requiring' that conversation. Some dating sites have a box to say how you feel about having kids. On the ones that don't, I generally put in something explaining that I do not want kids of my own (no need to go into specifics) and that if it is important to people to have kids, then it would be best to move onto the next profile. Perhaps you could say something along similar lines to that - that family history has you erring on the side of caution and you may not have kids, so if guys definitely want kids, then maybe you're not suited. Of course, this all depends on how far you're swinging towards have or have not, yourself.
The second thing would be the conversation once you get to dating stage. I still don't think you need to go into absolute specifics early on. Once you're more exclusive, then you could bring up the whole, "listen, I'd like to explain to you more fully why I'm apprehensive about having kids..."
From my own perspective....I am almost 34 and don't have kids. I know I can have them, but I've chosen not to, due to my own childhood experiences. To be honest, it's more women than men who tend to question my decision and ask for more information.....because we're expected to want kids and there's the assumption that if we don't, we'll be sorry or whatever. The fact is, I'm not all women, I'm me, and I'm making decisions that are right for me.
I suppose all I'd say to you is, don't feel guilty for having genuine concerns....or for not knowing if you should or not, based on the information you have, even though you want to. I don't think you're overthinking, however, don't get stuck in over-analysis paralysis. In other words, all the education and information in the world is fine, but the bottom line is how you ultimately FEEL about wanting kids...coz let's face it, even if your family had a perfect health history, that's no guarantee you're going to have a 100% healthy child and the question is if you're willing to take that chance, whatever the outcome may be.
Thanks so much for your advice! You actually helped me understand why this is so difficult for me. See, one thing I absolutely *do know* is that I want to have children (so I was thinking of adopting and/or egg donor...) Of course what I am not sure about is whether or not to have my biological children. So, that makes it very difficult -- I am consciously seeking men who want kids and they are the ones who get in the "how many children do you want?" conversation too fast...Ghhhrr! -- I wish I didn't want children, it would have been easier in my situation!
Thanks, though!
I think it's very responsible and commendable for you to be thinking about this now.
As to your question, when your dates ask you if you want to have kids, just say yes. Because that's true. You don't need to get into the logistics of how you'll have kids (surrogate mother, donated egg, etc.) until you are serious with one man and you've built up enough trust with each other to discuss the topic in more detail.
So, I'd try to relax and not worry when the question comes up!