Bringing up inability to have children!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Bringing up inability to have children!
6
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 7:24pm

The title is not accurate, but the post is even more complicated. I really, really need your help, everybody!!!

I am 33, and do want to have children; yet, since there is history of mental illness in my family that can have hereditary nature, I am not sure it’s advisable to have my own, biological children. Now, the question is how to talk about that to a potential partner, especially when, with online dating, men tend to bring that up (at least with me) in the early stages of dating (date 2-4). Here is some background, if you need it: according to various studies/websites, my children will have 6 % chance of developing schizophrenia, and that only when my partner has no known family history of mental illness.

Now, this is only with one immediate relative (brother/sister in this case) developing a psychosis. In my family the story is more complicated than that. My brother committed suicide – he had a shcizoaffective disorder: a socially debilitating and, in his case, degenerative condition combining the symptoms of a major catatonic (meaning that during his episodes. he stopped eating, talking, reacting to verbal or sensory stimuli) depression with mild schizophrenia; my grand mother had been hospitalized numerous times for major depression; she also had, what I think is, a borderline personality – paranoia, difficulties trusting others, etc., etc.; her sister had a bipolar disorder.

The reason I am sharing all this info is that I don’t exactly know what to make of it myself (obviously the 6 % chance is going to be higher, given the extended history of mental illness in my family) and, to complicate things further, I don’t know how to share all this with a person I am dating without sending them running. They might think that I am also at danger of developing a mental condition, which is actually not true. At this age, and given the numerous stressors in my life that could have triggered depression and/or psychosis, but didn’t. In the span of two years I lost my much loved mother to cancer, and my brother, whom I was exceptionally close to, and I also broke up with a partner of almost 8 years, and had another break up with a boyfriend of 6 months -- so, I am very unlikely to develop any of these things… at least according to a psychiatrist I consulted…He said I was very resilient, can handle crisis well, etc. But it is still difficult to share all this without sounding like a nutcase. Yet, these men do ask me : “So, do you want to have children?” (or how many do you want) and I feel compelled to say something…

Of course this whole thing is not well researched: some scholars believe that mental illness is a combination of hereditary and environmental factors (in other words, upbringing, supportive family environment, good socialization, etc. are as important as good genes). To complicate things further, no genetic testing is really available as of now, it just empirical data that shows that mental illness tends to run in families, when it comes to schizophrenia and/or bi-polar or depression (from what I have researched…)

Nevertheless, my feelings is that I need to be honest about the complicated issues surrounding my choice to have (or not have?) my own biological children and I do think my partners should be aware of this. Think of it as some reproductive problem (although, to be honest – and without trying to play victim here – I think it is more complicated than that, due to the stigma attached to mental illness), what would you recommend? Also, based on my rambling post (and I do apologize for its length) do you think I am overthinking all of this? Should I just wait to know the person, and then share my fears? Yet, I don’t want to develop feeling for someone and then feel rejected for things I have no control over (and what is worse, they might think I misled them)

I would really, really appreciate your input!!!! Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 7:40pm
IMHO, I think you're doing well in thinking ahead of time on what to respond when the innevitable question of ""Do you want children?" appears in the picture. This is a very important question when it comes to chosing a partner in life. Your answer wants to be "yes" because you express that in your message, but there are reasons why not to. In the event that this question is asked you can say that that yes you'd like children and leave it at that. You don't have to discuss it deeply with everybody, but only with men who you develop more than a friendship with, men who you see are more into relationships than casual dating. I'd say that "yes, I'd like to have children". If the relationship develops more then it'll be time to discuss the hederetary component and perhaps talk about adopting if this something you'd like to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:48am

Two things...

First, I'd try to nip it in the bud, before you get to 'requiring' that conversation. Some dating sites have a box to say how you feel about having kids. On the ones that don't, I generally put in something explaining that I do not want kids of my own (no need to go into specifics) and that if it is important to people to have kids, then it would be best to move onto the next profile. Perhaps you could say something along similar lines to that - that family history has you erring on the side of caution and you may not have kids, so if guys definitely want kids, then maybe you're not suited. Of course, this all depends on how far you're swinging towards have or have not, yourself.

The second thing would be the conversation once you get to dating stage. I still don't think you need to go into absolute specifics early on. Once you're more exclusive, then you could bring up the whole, "listen, I'd like to explain to you more fully why I'm apprehensive about having kids..."

From my own perspective....I am almost 34 and don't have kids. I know I can have them, but I've chosen not to, due to my own childhood experiences. To be honest, it's more women than men who tend to question my decision and ask for more information.....because we're expected to want kids and there's the assumption that if we don't, we'll be sorry or whatever. The fact is, I'm not all women, I'm me, and I'm making decisions that are right for me.

I suppose all I'd say to you is, don't feel guilty for having genuine concerns....or for not knowing if you should or not, based on the information you have, even though you want to. I don't think you're overthinking, however, don't get stuck in over-analysis paralysis. In other words, all the education and information in the world is fine, but the bottom line is how you ultimately FEEL about wanting kids...coz let's face it, even if your family had a perfect health history, that's no guarantee you're going to have a 100% healthy child and the question is if you're willing to take that chance, whatever the outcome may be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 8:36am
yeah you are overthinking it a bit. just say yes you want kids if it is ever bought up. and i agree alot with the other reply on how. but don't even let this be much of a concern for you. you either do or you don't. everybody's family i screwd up one way or another. you just think yours is worst then others. (not true) just go with it, whatever happens, happens. by the way don't tell your date everything u just told us. that might make things worse than they really are and that would definately scare me off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 12:47pm

Thanks so much for your advice! You actually helped me understand why this is so difficult for me. See, one thing I absolutely *do know* is that I want to have children (so I was thinking of adopting and/or egg donor...) Of course what I am not sure about is whether or not to have my biological children. So, that makes it very difficult -- I am consciously seeking men who want kids and they are the ones who get in the "how many children do you want?" conversation too fast...Ghhhrr! -- I wish I didn't want children, it would have been easier in my situation!

Thanks, though!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 12:58pm

I think it's very responsible and commendable for you to be thinking about this now.

As to your question, when your dates ask you if you want to have kids, just say yes. Because that's true. You don't need to get into the logistics of how you'll have kids (surrogate mother, donated egg, etc.) until you are serious with one man and you've built up enough trust with each other to discuss the topic in more detail.

So, I'd try to relax and not worry when the question comes up!

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:07pm
I agree - just say yes. And if you want to be more specific, you could always say "you know, I've always wanted to adopt children"...although this may lead to "oh really? why is that?" Youd could also list some of the reasons that DON'T include your family history. You could say "Well, lots of reasons. Some of them are..." and go from there. Then you're being up front, honest, but not freaking them out. You can let the rest out little by little.