Broke up after 2 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
Broke up after 2 months
18
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:41pm
After two months he said he is confused and not sure if he is ready for a relationship. He said he felt smothered He said he needs his space but that we can still see each other and be friends. He said he loved me. Did he really love me and care about me because guys just don’t say they love you to be nice. So what does this mean now? Do I sit back and relax and give him the space he needs and see where it goes from here? I really want to make this work because I do think we have potential. I know that I need to quit being so needy but I am not sure how to go about doing it. Please give me some advice on what to do or how to win him back!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:06pm

It's wasted energy to try to "win" somebody back.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:35pm
It sounds like things moved real fast for him and now he is not sure about having this relationship. If you really want to play this one out, just give him what he wants this ONE time. If he feels smothered maybe you guys spent too much time together and he needs to have his own interests and hang out with his buddies. This is reasonable. If you didn't spend every waking minute together then he sounds a little immature to do this to you. If you guys get back together and he does this again to you, chalk it up to a head trip.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:41pm

Trying to get someone back is a waste of time. I did that last summer. Met this gorgeous guy from Italy and we dated about a month and for that month it seemed like he was just so into me and then BOOM - he wanted to break up. Gave me a million reasons why all of which were B.S. - I could see right through them. I thought then and still do that there was something there he refused to tell me. So I kept calling him, sending him emails, instant messages, etc. just trying to get whatever was really on his mind out so we could work through it and get back together. I wound up driving him nuts and pushing him further away. We'll never get back together (we haven't even spoken since July) and the only thing I succeeded in was making a complete ass of myself and probably also creating a great reputation for myself in Washington D.C.

If he felt smothered, then leave him alone. If he needs time to himself, give it to him. Don't contact him at all. Don't make the same mistake I did. Maybe he'll come around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 1:45pm
Things did move really fast for both of us. We definately spent a whole lot of time together. Atleast 3 to 4 times per week. I think that maybe he just had to take a step back to see if this is what he really wants. His family and friends are all in shock. They, just like me, don't quite understand. I am giving him his space. I have not been calling or texting except for maybe once or twice. It is just really hard for me to go from a lot of contact to no contact.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 5:10pm
I know it sucks. When you say that his friends and family are in shock, are they in shock about how close you two got so quickly? Or is it that they are shocked that he decided to pull back a bit? If they are in shock at how close you two got, maybe that got communicated to him and maybe there was some "don't lose your friends" and "keep your life balanced" sprinkled in there. Is he calling or texting you back?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 5:30pm
They are shocked by the situation as a whole. Everyone keeps saying how they have never seen him so happy as he is with me. He inquires about me to his best friends girlfriend because we are friends about if she talked to me or not. But I mean he never really said it was over. He just said I need some space. So does space mean no contact? I talked to him last night because I was at his mom's house doing his dad's taxes but he was supposed to not be there and ended up there anyway. I kept doing what I was doing and when I left I said "Talk to you later" and he said "Talk to you later". Then later last night I called just to say "hey" and he answered but he was going to bed so I let him go. I have not been calling or texting because that is one of the things he told me bothers him so much. He told me that he is not used to having to tell someone where he is or what he is doing. I am giving him his space and hopefully he will see he made a mistake. Yesterday when i was at his house and he was on the way home he told his dad he was not sure if he wanted to see me there because it was going to be too hard on him. What does that mean? Does that mean he made a mistake and now he is not sure how to fix it? Or is he testing his feelings by walking away to see if his feelings are true? I have so many questions to ask him but if I do that will just be smothering him again and I don't want to do that. I definitely feel like there is some confusion for both of us. Also do you think that I should tell him that my daughter is really missing him?


Edited 3/30/2007 5:33 pm ET by mlvincent26
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 9:21pm

Please do not use your daughter in this, keep it to the two of you.


As for him though, if he wanted to be with you I think he would. Watch his actions. Are they the actions of a man who wants to be in a relationship? And to take it a step further, why would you want to try to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one?


I'm going to share something with you that a friend of mine shared with me a long time ago. I find it helpful to re-read it when I'm struggling with a situation, so maybe you will too.


Let It Go by T.D. Jakes


There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.


People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 9:38pm

Definitely do not mention your daughter. I think it would only make him angry. Let him ask about your daughter.

Sorry to be a party pooper here but I think when a guy says he needs space, it's his way of drifting away from you so he actually doesn't have to be there when your heart is broken. As far as not wanting to see you because it will hurt him... I think he is just dodging the inevitable with you. He doesn't want to break up with you face to face. I think he just hopes that you'll go quietly on your own. Now, he may come back. You never know. People truly don't realize what they have until it's gone. But I wouldn't sit around and wait for him to call. Go out with friends. Get back out on the market. And don't call or text him at all. Once or twice is not "not at all". If you ask me, when he actually answered the phone but said he was going to bed it was just him wanting to get you off the phone. Before my first date with the Italian mentioned earlier, he had called really late one night because he couldn't sleep and actually woke me up. I still talked with him for an hour. If this guy wanted to talk with you his getting ready for bed would not interfere. Has he contacted you at all on his own? If he hasn't, that's a sign for you to let him go.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine with the Italian. Very hot and heavy and within the blink of an eye it was over. I never got any kind of closure, but eventually I left him in my past where he belongs. You're not going to get any closure with this guy. And he's not going to be the last person who does this to you. But leave it behind. Like the posting before said - his part in the story of your life is over. Good words. That was a great posting by the way, cl-bklynchik! I love it.

So read it again and again until you realize that it's time for the next chapter. And like all great stories, it will only get better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 1:48am

It is obvious that you are very hurt by his actions. It had to be difficult to see him at his parents house and just have "talk to you later" between the two of you.

Only you know the right thing to do for you. If it were me, and he went from fire to ice, I would dump him and not turn back. I never taken anyone back and I have never regretted it.

If he doesn't like accounting for his whereabouts or having daily communication with you, then he is not suitable for a serious relationship which could lead to marriage or living together. However, your mind and heart are miles apart right now. So it is realistic that you will give him his "space" when he wants to ratch it back a few notches so that your expectations are minimal. Not the best scenario for a woman who has feelings for a man.

I am sure that your daughter's feelings are irrelevent right now to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 2:00am

I agree with you about closure. That's how guys stick it to you one more time, by not having the "closure" conversation. For me, it is overrated. I learned a long time ago that all the closure you need is in your own mind and heart. And like you said, they become part of your past and lessons learned. Men don't care that they touch a woman's heart everytime they date them. Even if the relationship doesn't go anywhere, that man got inside that woman's soul. Most women dont understand how men can operate this way and have no feelings about it. they are just made differently than us.

As far as his "part in the story of her life is over";I am sure you are not aware of this, but that phrase is being used by a bunch of scammers and crooks who are targetting unsuspecting women and converging upon them and turning their precious, sacred lives into "movies" and dehumanizing them in the process. When someone tells you that their part in your life is over, that means you are a target in this nation wide ambush. Just FYI. You wont' see this on the news yet.

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