Broke up after 2 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
Broke up after 2 months
18
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:41pm
After two months he said he is confused and not sure if he is ready for a relationship. He said he felt smothered He said he needs his space but that we can still see each other and be friends. He said he loved me. Did he really love me and care about me because guys just don’t say they love you to be nice. So what does this mean now? Do I sit back and relax and give him the space he needs and see where it goes from here? I really want to make this work because I do think we have potential. I know that I need to quit being so needy but I am not sure how to go about doing it. Please give me some advice on what to do or how to win him back!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 8:24am

No, I haven't heard about the scam going on, but I'm sure this isn't the same situation. I was thinking more along the lines of a movie where a teacher was telling his students that we are contributing a verse to life. I still think they are very positive words and something to think about when you're down in the dumps over a guy. Who knows why people do what they do? Especially with this situation. I'll never understand how something can go from red hot to cold overnight. It's a very frustrating situation and hard to accept because you spend most of your time thinking what you could have done wrong and how you can fix it. But I think she should close the chapter and move on to the next one because she's not going to get an answer and she's only going to drive herself and him crazy meanwhile passing up some great opportunities with men right in front of her.

I do agree though that there are guys who just don't realize the impact of what they say and do. I had a boyfriend once who was long distance and when we first started talking he would say things like "I wish they created a position for you so you could move here" and "come to France with me" and other sweet nothings. The passion lasted for about a month and a half and when he started to drift suddenly I asked him about what he had said earlier and his response was "So?". There are people out there who just don't get it and, unfortunately, I think the guy in this topic is one of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 10:11am

Guys tend to think in the moment... I don't think they mean it to be malicious or evil (not all of them any way), it's just two different ways of thinking between males and females that's going on.


I also don't think it's fair to lay the burden of a woman's feelings on a man. The woman is responsible for her own feelings. To say that a guy needs to realize that every time a woman is going out with a man that she's growing her feelings for him is not fair. And not all women do this. It is not a man's responsibility to care for a woman's feelings. Nor is it a woman's responsibility to care for a man's feelings. We should have respect for each other and not try to purposely hurt each other, but beyond that, all's fair in love.


People's feelings change, people don't respond the same to the same situations. We cannot expect others to treat a situation like breaking up in the same manner as we would. Does it all stink? Yes. But there's no guarantees and I don't think it's fair to try to pin the lack of fairness in the dating world on the men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 10:31am

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Hon, that's not true of all women. I know I've had relationships and the guy never got into my soul. That's only happened with maybe 2 guys...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 10:50am
I agree that to wait for him to revive their relationship is probably not in her best interests. What I mentioned about "role in life" targetting just an FYI. I don't go from hot to cold quickly unless someone hurts me, so I can't relate to men and their waivering emotions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 10:56am

"and not try to purposely hurt each other" - but that is being responsible for someone's feelings without taking on burden. And that is what I am talking about. True, not all women develop feelings for each guy she dates, but it happens enough where men should start to smarten up and realize that if they don't want messy endings (like they say they do not want) then their outcome is based on their actions with women.

I am not trying to pin unfairness on men, however I see how men have changed over the decades and I see how they are now manipulating women differently ("ghosting"), becoming critical of them (mentally abusive), have become very controlling, jealous and physically abusive more and more with the years, and have become "fickle" and I think they really do enjoy giving it back to women. Women have played the "fickle" (hot to cold) game with men for years.

What I would like to know is who decided to make all of these men our judges and juries and decide our fates this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 11:09am
Same for me on a big scale, except alot of the women that I have known were always devastated by any guy, no matter how long they dated or the intensity. Maybe it has to do with not loving themselves enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 11:56am

This is a great debate and I would love to see it happen on a larger scale...


My thing is this. We (as women) tend to say how men manipulate, act, etc. But how many women turn around and wonder what their responsibility in it is? For example, I had a girlfriend that literally scared every guy away. She was so focused on wanting to find a man that every date she went out on that neediness came across.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 9:17pm

You are correct on many levels:
1) "I had a girlfriend that literally scared every guy away" - I have known women like this. After a few dates these women are talking about moving in together.

2)"How many women have you seen continue in a relationship after a guy says all he wants is something casual." - True, very true. Some think they can handle the casualness and some just don't want to hear the truth.

3)"Women will keep holding on to hope, letting the guy back in, allowing him to have sex with her." - Exactly. They think that they can get the guy back with sex.

We've all done stupid things during relationships and then realize later on that we had a significant share inhow things ended. But it is only by being honest with ourselves do we begin to make different decisions on how to live life and love.

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