Broke up with bf...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Broke up with bf...
1
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:24am
Hi everyone,

Sorry if this gets kinda long...

This past sunday, my boyfriend and I broke up after almost 3 years together. I'm 20, and he's 22, going to be 23. He was my first love, the first guy I lost my virginity to--basically the first guy I truely ever cared about in my life. Our relationship was going great for about the first year and a half. After this point, he bought a house and was doing a TON of re-modeling to it. I understood at this time that he was very stressed, but it seemed like our relationship started to fall apart from then on. Or maybe it wasn't that, I'm not sure. I realized that we weren't communicating well, and we would be fighting constantly. We took a "break" about 3 times before calling it quits for good a couple days ago.

Last time that I had taken a break, he came back to my house crying and was saying how sorry he was. There was some verbal abuse going on during this time, and I had had enough of it. He said he would go to counseling to try to help his outbursts, and he did. However, I don't think it helped enough for us to work things out.

During our relationship, we would fight over the stupidest things, and would both get so upset with eachother that we didn't know what else to do.

When I look back at our relationship, he did a lot of things that hurt me but I tried to look past those things.

Last night I went to his house after him not responding to my calls (just to make sure that we were done for good this time) and tried crawling into bed with him--not for sex, but just to feel that comfort of him. He said we shouldn't be doing this, and that it wasn't good for us if we had just broken up.

I'm so confused, because it seemed as though he wasn't even sad, but he said he was miserable. Considering last time and the times before when we had split up, he was extremely upset. Now it seems like I'm just desperate, and the only one that really cares. He said that we can still be friends, and talk, but I don't know how that's going to work. When we were dating, he had bought me a cell phone and paid for the bill monthly since I could not afford one at the time. I still cannot currently, but he said he would continue paying for it until I got a new phone. I feel like I'm still taking advantage of him from this, but I desperately need a cell phone since I do a lot of driving. He even said that someday we may get back together, and that he loves me still.

I'm just so sad, I've never felt this empty before. Maybe because he was my first love that I'm taking this so hard, I'm not sure.

Is anybody going through this besides me at the moment? Or what should I do to stop myself from trying to contact him? And, when people break up does that usually mean that it's not meant to be?

Thank you all for your patience in reading this. Any respone would be greatly appreciated. Be blunt, if necessary.

-C

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:36am
Aww sweetie, I know it's hard, more so when you were still willing to work things out. Be strong and know this is for the best. Now you need to focus 100% on yourself and that means doing and being things just for you. Go and hang out with some friends you haven't seen in a while and DO NOT talk about him at all. It may help to get your feelings out in a journal so you can come to terms with how you feel and get yourself some closure.

My son's dad and I broke up/ got back together a million times, and I would be miserable and crying each time. But the last time, my boss said to me, "I know this is it this time, because you're NOT crying."

So maybe he's just come to terms with the fact that you two fight too much and he can no longer live that way. Sometimes we fall into a cycle and can't get out, and maybe he needed that change. I'm sure that on many levels he was a good person, but being verbally abusive is not a behaviour ANYONE should have to put up with. He will need some time to work on overcoming that part of him self.

So go out and start living your life for you. The more active you are with your friends, family and yourself, the less time you will have to think of him. I know it's hard, I found myself talking about my ex for months after we split- remember you did spend 3 yrs of your life with him so he will be in a lot of your memories. What you do now, is remember the good times, get over the bad times, and say,"I have learned **, ** and ** about myself because of this."

Good luck.

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