Broken Engagement...Help!
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Broken Engagement...Help!
| Tue, 11-23-2004 - 12:33am |
My fiance decided to break our engagement Saturday night, but he broke it in the midst of screaming "shut up" and a few obscenities in between those words at me. He even called apartment security because I was upset and he wanted me to leave his apartment. I've known him for 3 years. We dated for about 2 1/2 and we were engaged for about 15 months. We were to get married July 1, our anniversary and a few months after I graduated college. Now, I know I'm young, but most have said I am seasoned beyond my years. He is 25 and I am 21. Will someone help me understand why he would just snap like this? He was telling me to "shut up" because I interrrupted him, something he hates. I don't do it purposely, but you know how it is when someone says something that contradicts your beliefs and you immediately jump to take a stand? That's what happened. He once told me that he was hypoglycemic, through self-diagnosis and he also has ADHD, which has been proven by his doctor. It's not the first time he's broken up with me, but I feel this is the last and it hurts like hell. We were supposed to start a legacy through our children, settle down in a nice home and live like normal married couples do. I've prayed and so have my friends, that God will work on his heart, but even when He does, I don't know if I'd ever want to be with him again. It was scary to see that side of him and there's no guarantee I won't see it again. Sure, there are other fish in the sea, but it's hard to focus on that, when this is constantly on my mind. I love him so much, but in the back of my mind, I'm wondering, "Should I start getting over him, or should I wait until he comes around?" Can someone please help with any advice?

Hey SlimKim-
I've come across posts like yours several times and I answer only because I've been through that. Yours is more interesting because its not just that being young and engaged is the only thing we had in common. My ex fiancee was a tyrant too. He was 26 and I was 21 when we broke it off.
My husband has ADHD. He doesnt take his meds either, so i can understand where your train of thought is coming from in his actions. However, my DH isnt taking his meds bc of lack of money... its more of a "mind over matter" thing and he's in counseling, which seems to work just as well. But since I have an understand of this and have gone through SOOOOOOOO many ups and downs with DH AND a heartbreaking break-up with exfiancee.... let me just tell you this one thing:
Love and ADHD do not intertwine. ADHD and relationships do get mixed up bc confusion and feelings are hurt. But a person with ADHD does not have a 4 day "episode" of unreasonability. If what you're saying was the case... he would have come around by now... he would have reasoned with himself by now. Love would have told him to get control and get back his life... he is an adult... he is 25 years old, not a child. The fact that he called the next day and apologized is proof that shows you poeple with ADHD quickly realize and reason their behaviors, it is often confusing to them what they do and the grasp control quickly and feel bad for it.
But he hasnt come back to you in person and said "i didnt mean what i said. i dont want us to end. i do want to marry you".
i dont know. maybe there IS hope. but i wouldnt count on it. Im not bitter. trust me... ive hung on to tiny little threads with my husband many times before, but never has he threatened to end things or leave me... or gone off for days.
thats why im telling you ONLY "what i would do". in your case, I would move on... do what i had to do to make MYSELF happy. not wait around on him. seirously.... is that what you see your future to be like? waiting around for him? if money is SOOOOOO tight he cant even buy a prescription how will you two have a secure marraige? If he has insurance, its only $10- $15! and if he doesnt have insurance... thats a WHOLE other serious issue right there, VERY serious. ANYTHING can happen- what if you two got married and he got a kidney stone, ended up in the hospital... do you know how much that would cost you both??? holy crap! without insurance, that would take about 3-4 years to pay off .... and im basing that guess on the fact that he cant buy a simple prescription for himself. not trying to lecture you here... but DH and I have so many medical problems its just scary to not be with insurance. .
for your sake... dont wait around for him. let him know that you have a life and youre a survivor... you love him but you come first. dont wait around. maybe that will shape him up.
What kind of legacy can you have with you two fighting to the point of asking for security to remove you, that doesn't sound like a great environment for you or children. It sounds to me like you haven't had that great of a relationship, it sounds tumultous at best if you've broken up and gotten back together numerous times. ADHD is tough to deal with, hypoglycemia isn't, just give him some food and he should be fine.
I don't know, I think your young and your better off moving on and not marrying someone like this, isn't it better to be single and find someone else then marry someone you could then later divorce??