Can he be trusted?
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| Fri, 12-09-2005 - 6:04pm |
Not sure what to make of this - perhaps a little help is in order. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. When we first started dating we were very open and honest with each other. In the past, I have always had a communicating problem but with months of therapy, I have realized that that is the key to successful relationship! He has always believed this so I thought that this was a match made in heaven. We spoke openly about past relationships and found out things that I now wish that I didn't know.
I too have gone through rough relationships and break ups but I don't quite know what to do with what I am dealing with.
He was married to a woman for 12 years. They have 3 children. From my understanding, he was miserable with it but stayed because of the kids. They finally separated and after a few months, he started to date again. He met a woman online that he conversed with and by strange coincidence, the two of them actually ran into one another by fluke in a department store. It was not until a bit later that he realized that this is the same girl that he was interested in online! Well, one thing led to another and they moved in together not soon after they started dating. He then brought his son into the picture and they instantly became a family. Months past and it seemed to be going well then one day she up and told him that she wants him out of the house. She said it was because she felt that she could not enjoy her life and party with her friends because she is now tied down. To make a long story short, he went mad. He was obsessed with her. He would write her poems, drive past her house, call her, and even threatened to kill himself because this was making him miserable. It didn't help that he was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder due to the fact the he had fought in wars during his military service. She eventually put a restraining order on him and moved away for a few months but that didn't stop him from osessing over her. I read a journal that he wrote - with his permission. It expressed how he wanted her back and would do anything - something that I didn't not expect to find. He finally realized that he was stuck in a rut and moved to the other side of the country. This is where I met him.
During the first couple of months in our relationship, he was great however I did see some suspicious things on his computer. Not through snooping though, please don't get me wrong. They were personal sites that he once had accounts on. Through communication, I kindly asked him what that was all about. He told me that he checked up on his ex's website (they gave each other one anothers passwords) to see what she was up to. I mentioned to him that if he wanted to move on - because I did know about how he fled to put all that in the past - he had to let go of the past. He agreeded. It happened again. I let it go. Now I was suspicious to the point where I snooped and found alot of things that I really didn't want to see or know but it gave me a better idea of the person that I was dealing with. I still stayed - thinking the whole time it would get better. He wrote her a "closure" poem and posted it on his website. He still checked up on her (they had been broken up by this time over 1 year) and even wrote her an email saying that he wanted to talk which I discovered. I again expressed my concern and hurt by this. It continued months into our relationship until I had finally had it and told him that I wanted out. He begged for me not to go and said that this was it - this "habit" as he calls it - was not worth losing me over. Am I crazy to stay? Will he ever get over this? He was told me many times over how much this woman hurt him, how much he loved her, how much he wanted it back at that time, etc. I understand how a break up can affect many people different ways as we are all different but to carry this on throughtout another relationship (and this is 9 months into ours!). Is he over it? How can i tell?

Is he willing to go to counseling to get past this obsession? Even if he goes, there's no guarantee it'll work, but if he doesn't go, I don't think there's much chance that he will.
Sheri
He seemed obsessed with this lady. Are you sure he didn't beg back his exwife when he was with this girlfriend? She had to put a restraining order on him which should give you some insight into his personality.
When you attempt to dump this man you might have to put a restraining order on him too. I don't think he is over it, and may never be.