can he really change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2006
can he really change?
4
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 1:36pm

I don't know whether to take him back?

I had been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. To begin with it was really amazing and I fell in love with him very quickly. Then he seemed to forget about me. In the last three weeks of our relationship I became very depressed. I cried on at least ten occassions, and nothing he did or said seemed to be good in my head.

One day, he told me he still had some feelings for his ex, who he was going to visit. He told me he didn't plan for anything to happen. I got very upset that he couldn't guarantee anything. By the time he left for his weekend with her (they were going to a party to celebrate her birthday) he was promising me nothing would happen, but I wasn't sure if I trusted that.

The very next weekend, when I hadn't seen him for a couple weeks other than talking online, he went to a formal party to accompany a female friend of his. She was worried about getting too drunk and doing something stupid. He didn't ask me if it was ok to go and he didn't even tell me he was going until the night before. I had assumed we were going to spend that night together, since we hadn't seen each other in so long.

I sort of got the feeling that he really wasn't thinking about me anymore or considering my feelings. He didn't even tell me that he loved me for over a week. I saw the pictures from the party and the two of them were very close. I got very upset and decided that I couldn't go on being depressed like this, so I dumped him.

Since then, he has quite literally been begging me to take him back. He has said that he will change, and that he will take me out more often and make time for me and do anything I wanted. He promised that we could start again, more slowly that before and that he will build up my trust and love for him. He seems to be really regretting all the decisions he made. He has been persisting at this for two weeks, talking to me at least three times a day. Even in that he has shown more effort in our relationship.

I've been explaining that I don't have any feelings for him anymore, but when I went to see him in person yesterday we were sitting very close together and I wanted him to kiss me. Now I'm confused about my feelings, but I don't know if it's worth trying to build something back up or whether he's likely to do the same thing again. The main thing that has me worried is that he had to go through the pain of breaking up to realize how much he wanted to be with me. I'm sorry this was so long, but I wanted to be thorough! What do you all think? Should I try and give him one last chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 3:08pm

It's a hard call, especially since it's only been a few weeks that you haven't been together. If it were a year or more, I would think that some sort of change occurred.


The decision really is in your hands, in your control. You can decide to give him a try and see if he'll act differently. But in my mind, a person who has no consideration for you before will not "grow" consideration later. He didn't seem to give you the respect you deserve (nor did you demand that respect) so will he really do so now? Only you can determine that.


It's quite possible that this is an ego thing for him... that he wants to win you back, just for the sake of winning you back. And it's quite possible that if/when he does, he'll revert to his old ways.


The question to ask yourself is can you deal with the consequences of him not being different this time around? I always believe in giving people a second chance, so long as if they behave the same, I'll be ok with it and then end it completely...


Hope this helps.


Kerry


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 10:09pm
I am actually the one who was supposed to change. I loved the guy and I really meant to change. I did change and then I would revert to how he constantly was unhappy. We are now good friends. But I just wanted you to know that his intentions may be well and he might really change if that is not how he is he has the possibility of becoming the guy that does not make you happy. I just wanted to tell you from someone that has been on the other side and remind you it is hard to change and stay that way if that is not the way you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 7:19am

Im a firm beleiver in second chances. But be sure to take it slow and look for the signs that he has changed. I also agree with another poster that suggested, if he didnt respect you then, he may never.

"The main thing that has me worried is that he had to go through the pain of breaking up to realize how much he wanted to be with me."

Sometimes this does happen. When we lose the person we had, we start to see the error of our ways, and realize how much we want them in our lives. The old saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". My bf and I broke up once (we are both 40 something), after a month he called and wanted to still try and be friends. Well that didnt last long. We ended up back together, and this time the things that were bad in the relationship, did change.

So yes there is hope and second chances can work!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:32pm
What can I say......from the way he treated you before you broke up shows that he took your relationship for granted. You've actually put up with to much crap and you don't deserve that. He said he changed.....well sometimes the guy has to realize what he has by loosing it. Maybe he did change, who knows. It's up to you if you want to give him another chance. Are you willing to get hurt again if he dosen't change? You have lot's to think about. Sorry I couldn't be to much of help. Good Luck.